Thursday, December 20, 2007

I Am Nightmares

It has been a while since I have seen a movie without knowing what it was about ahead of time. I think the last one was ET, and nobody told me what it was about because you don't have to tell a fetus. Fortunately I was well aware that a giant and frightening Jafar would slowly rise from his chambers in Aladdin thanks to years of Disney cliches (like the giant and frightening dragon that slowly rises from the forest in Sleeping Beauty, or a giant and frightening Ursula that slowly rises from the ocean in The Little Mermaid). No amount of Alan Menken orchestral undertones could have prepared me for the horrible things that lurk in this latest blockbuster.

In his new film I Am Legend, Will Smith plays John Legend, a man alone in an industry of pop music. He is accompanied by his dog played smartly by Mariah Carey. Possibly her best on screen performance to date. Everything seems nice and fun as Legend cruises through the streets of New York City shooting at posters of Kanye West, but this is the calm before the storm. There are no spoilers here when I say this: go wearing a diaper.

All I know is, one minute I'm pointing at a neighborhood I recognize on screen, and the next minute I'm writing my will on a bag of popcorn. You think I'm exaggerating, but not since I was in a house of mirrors have I been so anxious about what would startle me (and this time it wasn't my alarming beauty). There are sounds of terror in the film that rival those made by Courtney Love's housekeepers on laundry day. I was on the edge of my seat, and as a result, leaning over some bald guy while murmuring The Rosary. At the end of the movie, he thanked me for the boob hat, whatever that means. Someone brought their three year old, which I don't understand, unless he is part of an early Scared Straight program. I recommend taking an elderly person whose estate is in your name, your thrill-seeking frat brother or at the very least, someone with the hiccups.

Two nail-bitten thumbs up!

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Anonymous said...

this movie sucked. for all the reasons you listed and will smith's over-acting. that's the last time name alone gets me to a movie. i should have learned my lesson with halle and monster's ball. fool me twice...that's a shame.

Abbi said...

Billy Bob Thornton's Ball...overrated indeed. I'm sure Will Smith never thought he'd be accused of acting too much when he's responding to things that aren't there.