Fight Night

As if we aren't already aware of how busy we are, my husband Luke and I can't have real fights unless they're penciled into our agendas.



Look out Holihans!



I have my thing before the dinner so let's do it afterwards...does that work for you?



See you then!

Brushes with Celebrity (Impersonations)

Performed as Sarah Silverman on Schtick or Treat last week. I had a blast! Mindy Tucker (of With Reservation) took such great photos I posted mine on Twitter. Then, to my geeky delight, Ms. Silverman herself gave it her nod of approval!

Speaking of attention from celebrities, I heard Steve Buscemi admired my obscure Halloween costume of "Dionne Warwick on Hollywood Squares" while I marched in the annual Halloween parade in Park Slope. I missed him because I am a big shot, but I turned around and saw him enjoying the rest of the parade in his baseball cap.

Do you hear that plopping sound? That's me name-dropping.


Here's Dionne up close. The secret to her unique nostrils is buttons.

Other Halloween weekend festivities included a costume party, a clothing exchange at my place, pumpkin-carving, the toasting of pumpkin seeds, the hotting of chocolate, and the watching of the new Nightmare on Elm Street. I can't top this year, so next year I plan to join a religion that does not permit me to celebrate the holiday. I'll take your suggestions in the comments section.

Wholesome

I went apple-picking with my husband recently.



We ate all the apples we picked so we only had to pay for one when we checked out. What? They WANT you to do this!



There was a lovely couple selling pumpkins but they weren't coordinated enough to hand mine to me, so I left it there. They probably couldn't count my change anyway.

Fear of Flying

My fear of flying worsens as I age. I don't think there is a direct link, but I think the longer you live the more likely you are to hear about plane crashes on the nightly news. I just flew back from Indiana this past weekend, and freaked out because a 5-year old shouted at the clouds, "I can see God!" and I thought, "Do babies get visions before they die?!"

The Woman I'm Afraid of Turning Into

New York Photographer Anya Garrett (who is like the Andy Warhol of our generation) is debuting her exhibit "The Woman I'm Afraid of Turning Into" tonight!

Together with Lisa Levy, she has interviewed a dozen of today's most dazzling funny women (including MEEEEE) to find out what their anxieties are about a career in comedy, and then photograph them portraying their fearsome future. My fear is that I won't have time to raise kids, so I'll focus all my nurturing energy into treating my dog like a person.

(This is me treating my dog like a throw pillow.)

12 Portraits of hilarious and beautiful comedians -- Abbi Crutchfield, Amy Schumer, Ann Carr, Becky Yamamoto, Carolyn Castiglia, Leah Dubie, Livia Scott, Mara Herron, Ophira Eisenberg, Sherri Eldin, as well as the artists themselves Anya Garrett and Lisa Levy.

GRAND OPENING - THURS. 7/15
5pm-7pm
HEREart GALLERY
145 Ave of the Americas
(entrance on Dominic - one block south of Spring)
http://here.org/programs/here-art/
212.352.3101

Free admission! Free wine! First come, first served!

AFTERPARTY -- ANTARCTICA BAR
287 Hudson Street (near Spring)

For More Info: http://anyagarrett.com/wiati.html

Other women I am afraid of turning into...

Great Minds

I have a joke I tell based on fearing judgment for marrying a white person. I worry about scrutiny my future kids will be under for being different and whether or not they will identify with the black race if they don't look conventionally black. I told it during an audition for NBC's Stand Up for Diversity showcase:

I am afraid of the stigma that comes with having mixed kids. I feel like if I am ever walking down the street with my child in a stroller I'm going to have to wear a shirt that says, "NOT the Nanny".

A fellow auditioner who advanced to the showcase, Yvonne Orji (follow her on Twitter) asked me if I knew the woman who already made those shirts. My jaw dropped. "Those shirts are REAL?!" I asked. She said she was pretty sure she had seen them online. So much for selling it as merchandise after a show. So much for my fans wearing them to my book signings. I did something every cautious comic does: I Googled. Just how prevalent is this concept?

From a blog called "Not the Nanny":

On Friday my posts also appear as an online column for Time Out New York Kids. Visit them at Time Out New York Kids for more city-specific parenting tips and diversions. The regular column is called Not the Nanny, which pretty much answers the crazy looks I sometimes receive when I'm out and about with my rosy-cheeked son.

Wow. So the paranoia is widespread. People DO give looks. But do they judge?

From another blog called, "I'm Not the Nanny":

As the mom of biracial children, I've been mistaken for the nanny, depending on which DC Metro park I visit. That's an entire blog post on its own!

My fear is realized; it really happens! But are there t-shirts?



Sort of. These can be found on zazzle.com and they have the sassy wit of the "Maxine" series of Hallmark cards. They're not social commentary so much as gifts for a Yankee Swap.

I could technically still use the line from my joke with the actual emphasis included in the delivery, "I am NOT the nanny!", couldn't I?



Nope. Nightshade Creations has my number on CafePress.com.

Tired of being mistaken for the nanny just because your kids look exactly like their father? Make it clear with humor!

It is good to know that my ideas are out there, albeit birthed from other brains. The concept doesn't become any less true for me, but it does dilute its potency and potential to make people laugh. Gotta keep my nose to the grind stone.

I almost labeled this post under "You Can't Make This Stuff Up". Because you can't...without someone else thinking of it too.

Related: Shecky Magazine on parallel development.

Nana-Nano Particle

I have had an unhealthy fear of the sun lately. I knew it was out of control when it became the first topic I mentioned to anyone who'd listen--including my dog. But he just entertained my prattle in the hopes of getting food, like a co-worker at an office birthday. Allow me to save you several hours of Internet research and a few nightmares about skin cancer: the only safe sunscreen is SPF burqa. Unless you have hits like "Thriller" under your belt, you can't pull off the fashionable face mask shown above. Is that Bryan Cranston or Aaron Eckhart making a little cash on the side?

Things I've tried to protect myself from Ultra Violet Rays

1. Being Black - Any pasty person will point out that I have melanin, a natural protectant. But after my honeymoon I learned that I, too, can shed skin like a snake and itch like the dickens. The sun doesn't say, "Oh, hey dark and lovely, almost didn't see you there. Can you scoot over so I can burn that jogger alive?"

2. Staying indoors - Recluse bonus: when you eat out less you save enough money to have groceries delivered! As a hypochondriac I am also a natural hermit, so this wouldn't be a problem for me if it weren't for the going-to-work-to-pay-my-rent habit that I have. It's recommended not to go out between 10:00AM and 3:00PM, because during those hours, a giant kid with a large magnifying glass creeps up over the mountain tops. So I'd need to get a night job. That leaves me such occupational options as grave digger, streetwalker and serial killer.

3. Long-sleeve shirts - The first thing recomended if you must go out is to cover up with clothing. If it happens to be 90 degrees out, your shirt becomes a microwave. Plus you sweat profusely. This may help you make weight for the wrestling team but if you're not a 17 year old boy you'll be clawing at your body to release it from what has become an abrasive potato sack. Leaving you naked, which is super unsafe.

4. Shade - The next thing websites tell you is to find shade. Holding an umbrella when it's not raining makes you look like Fonsworth Bentley or an Asian tour guide. Creeping along buildings and constantly switching sidewalks to maintain coverage make you look like you escaped an asylum.

5. Mineral sunscreen - This is sunscreen that doesn't have chemicals in it. In other words, you'll never see a sexy European supermodel hawking it on TV. You'll only see your disheveled, granola-eating, cat-lady neighbor spouting its benefits while she steals your garbage for her compost heap. The problem with most of these is they are sold in 2oz bottles that cost a fortune, they leave your skin chalky white, and most contain Nanoparticles.

Nanoparticles are my new boogie man. They absorb into your skin and possibly your bloodstream. They cause tumors in rats within days (when sipped as a titanium dioxide + lab water cocktail). Under the skin, they may break apart into free radicals, and everyone knows the only way to fight free radicals is by wagging your finger at them--who has the time?

My conclusion is life is a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Only replace "adventure" with "ailment that will eventually put you in a home". By worrying I have lost precious seconds of my life that I could have used opening invoices from my oncologist.

I'm on a Billboard

Madison Square Garden

Money Matters

Read this awesome post from comedian Becky Donohue about the importance for artists to be smart with your money. This is different from hearing your mom tell you to be responsible first then see if you have any time left for your hobbies.

Don’t quit your dayjob. Even though this seems likes the blog that encourages screaming at your boss and burning your briefcase in a fit of rage, it is not. What I really encourage is PLANNING YOUR ESCAPE. A lot of the time that happens by thinking about skills you ALREADY HAVE that could make you some money away from work and on your own terms. I had a roommate once who had a love of design and who worked on products for his 9 to 5 job. On the side he created a bag business. Eventually, it became his full time living. If you love to workout, get certified as a personal trainer and teach a couple of classes per week. Eventually, you may be able to leave your day job and free up your schedule for auditions and creative work because you got certified. I had another friend who was a great dog walker and a good comedian. She started walking the dogs while waiting tables AND doing stand up. Very quickly, there was no more waiting tables. She had a thriving dog walking business. Now it’s all stand up. The idea is to plan your eventual escape and to make it gradual with transition jobs and money making small businesses in place.

Photo credit:
coffeeandshowbiz.com

Birthday Wish List

So far this is shaping up to be a nice age.

I've got a great husband and a favorite pizzeria...



a fun coffee shop comedy show and a fun wine bar comedy show...

a four-legged charity case...



and an awesome family.




Who could ask for anything more? ME. I'm saving up for a couple of presents:




If the financial advice I'm getting from my prison penpal B. Madoff pans out, I should be able to score a scooter and a flat screen television this year. Or at least pictures of them to add to my vision board.

Thanks for the sweet birthday wishes I've received on facebook and twitter! It more than makes up for the fact that I don't get to see who shows up to my funeral. I'm lactose intolerant, so treat yourself to an icecream for me.

A Yeary Year

As I look back on the previous year, I can't help but wonder: did anything happen? I don't keep a diary anymore, so let me think hard and see if I can produce a recap of the year in review.



May - The year began with a surprise birthday party at Postmark Cafe.

June - I was still getting used to sharing a studio with Luke and made weekly plans to clean it up.

July - Auditioned for The Marriage Ref. Made it past a couple of rounds, where a camera crew came over to film us at home. Gave me a reason to finally clean the studio. I felt bad when Luke and I didn't get picked.

August - Got robbed and hit by a car in the same week. Finally something new to talk about on stage!



Also watched Nick Cobb tape his first appearance on Live at Gotham, and met comedian Bobby Lee.



September - Appeared on the Tyra Banks Show. Also shot a Home Goods commercial.

October - I participated in the annual Fall Family Fest, a fun day for kids sponsored by my church. Due to its taking place in the fall, it's always freezing cold outside. Luckily it rained so this time it was indoors, which meant I ran a hoola-hoop contest and ate cotton candy withOUT shivering.



November - Thanksgiving potluck at Josh Sankey's house. I don't know if anyone there knew anyone except Josh. He brings people together.



December - Christmas with the fam. Don't send us pears.



January - Launched Positively Awesome with Andrew Singer.



Also appeared on Fifty First Jokes with Luke (second from right, between Joe Garden and Liz Miele).

Feburary - Had my first colonoscopy in 10 years, remembering that I actually have to maintain my Crohn's disease. Began freelance writing for Pepsi We Inspire.



March - Got Max! Moved into a new place. No more studio! Spaciousness...a real couch...a real bed! The Marriage Ref airs. I felt good about not getting picked.



April - Celebrated one year of marriage to Luke. I was cast in a Jell-o commercial as "Mom" but was among the principals they decided not to use on set during the shoot.

Could the next year involve being cast as a mom in more commercials? Serving my church in more extreme weather conditions? Producing even more shows? Getting more dogs? We'll see.

Gossip Girl

A few days ago I got an e-mail with a friendly business proposition from a stranger. I handled it in a friendly, business-like manner. Then I proceeded to make fun of that person in an e-mail to my buddy and partner in wise-cracking crime.

Making fun of people is a part of my daily survival. Hell hath no sarcasm like a woman bored. With nothing but cubicles to entertain us, we become Statler and Waldorf, the cranky old Muppets in the balcony, finding a way to prove that everything sucks. It usually makes for a hilarious morning and a great substitution for the fresh-baked donuts they don't serve at my workplace.

But I didn't send the e-mail about the stranger to my buddy. I sent it to THE STRANGER.

What the? NO! Come back. Retrieve! How did this happen? I have no idea. I scrambled to un-send the message, a function that has never been a part of Yahoo Mail. Then in my panic, I turned the format from Classic to Beta, changing the font, colors and placement of everything on my screen. I was squinting at tiny words, frantically clicking in an attempt to do damage control.

It's like that story you read in gradeschool about the kid who gossips. He asks a wise old man how he can undo the harm caused, and the old man tells him take a pillow and empty its feathers onto the ground. The kid does as he is told. Then the old man instructs him to return each feather to the pillow, but the wind has blown half of them away. The kid understands how hard it is to take words back. And switches from Yahoo to Gmail.

The person that wrote me was gracious enough to let it slide, but it has still been bothering me. It's one thing to criticize someone to their face, and another thing to do it behind their back. But doing it behind their back and accidentally to their face takes ALL the fun out of it. I think the only thing that will make me feel better is time. Because Time is a magazine rife with idiots to ridicule. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Meet Max

This is the best thing he does. He's not humping it like a maniac, he is merely enjoying the subtle flavors and textures of duck, quite like anyone who is too pretentious to order chicken.

He's only known us for a day. His previous owner needed to find a good home for him. Failing that she gave him to us. He nibbles corners of beach towels until he falls asleep. He passes the same gas used for U.S. Army grenades. He grunts a lot, so my dream of owning a potbellied pig has come true. If I could just train him to root for truffles, I'll have a winner. He had a botched neutering so his weenie always pokes out. Looks just like this:


His trick is to sit, and he's very good at following this man's advice.


But he can't do my taxes yet, so...meh.

Thirsty?

On Wednesday I will have a colonoscopy (I look good for 70, don't I?). The night before I will need to drink a prepping solution. When I picked it up from the pharmacy I was a little surprised.

"THAT'S what I have to drink?"
--Yes. Best to do it in two hours or it won't be effective.
"I have to drink that whole thing?"
--No.
(I breathe a sigh of relief)"Oh thank goodness!"
--Just to the fill line.

Some People Never Change (Their Shirt)

My mom gave me the gift of a lovely and colorful long-sleeve shirt this past Valentine's Day.

I liked it because it felt familiar. The turquoise, the bright pinks, the subliminal floral pattern...where have I seen it before?

Woman of A Thousand Voices

I fulfilled a dream last month that I had since high school: I saw a live performance by Anna Deveare Smith. She is doing a run at Second Street Theater called Let Me Down Easy, extended through January. She's great at embodying characters and capturing their mannerisms with minimal costume changes. She takes years interviewing people around the world to put a show together. She is known for reciting transcripts from these interviews, so the dialogue sounds especially authentic because it is just that.

Let Me Down Easy was a moving piece exploring people's feelings and ideas about their health, health care and death. Despite the subject matter I was able to thoroughly enjoy some chocolate chip cookies. I sat in the balcony next to a woman holding a script with a book light above it, constantly drawing lines through words on the page. I wondered if she was helping to rewrite the current show or just squeezing in some homework. Afterwards I wrote Ms. Deveare Smith a note to let her know what her performance meant to me and asking her for professional advice on solo shows. I haven't heard back. YET. Maybe I never will. If there's one thing I learned from her hard work it's that cookies are the best way to let me down easy.

Happy Sanksgiving

I had an early Thanksgiving meal with my good comedy buddy, Josh Sankey.



You might recognize him from every commercial ever made. I have a single boob in this shot. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I'm not a cancer survivor. My other one is hiding shyly behind Josh. Come on out, my darling. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Speaking of breasts, look at that turkey! The spread was amazing.

What you don't understand is that in front of the ham was a bowl of sweet potatoes with sugary pecan brittle on top. The stuffing had apples--APPLES--and there were three bowls of cranberry sauce. Mine was the bomb (home made with pears and orange zest), but it was overshadowed by a large Goliath bowl full of SAVORY cran sauce. You heard that correctly. Hot, salty berries. Put that in a gravy boat, and call me Susan.

This nice lady slaved over a hot stove to make one of the most beautiful birds I've ever seen.


She asked me if I wanted some white meat or AN ENTIRE TURKEY LEG.


CHOMP.

I didn't know any of the guests so it was fun to meet so many new people. Everyone had a different story about how they met Josh. "I know him through this guy I met in a bar,"..."I'm his agent,"..."He was my mover once..." I couldn't even remember how I met him; I just was magically on his dinner mailing list. After bumping into him at auditions I decided to trek up to "Camp Wayne" in Jersey City. He's a pretty special guy with an infectious playfulness who is one of the hardest working actor/writer/comedians I know.

Eat a whole turkey leg, meet some strangers and have fun this holiday.