Monday, July 30, 2007

Send In Your Art! No. 5

Tomorrow is the LAST DAY to submit a drawing, painting or macaroni art of my likeness for the 2007 Portrait Contest! Good thing I finally put a deadline on that sucker. I appreciate all of the entries thus far, and I look forward to sketching the fartists (fan-artists) in kind. As you also know, one person will be selected to become the subject of my next acrylic portrait. Can’t wait to see who he or she is! Spoiler: It cannot be my sister because I’m already working on her portrait as a belated Christmas present.

In comedy news, I’m hitting an open mic tonight to gear up for a very fun show tomorrow, called Matt Little’s Big Show! Details below. Hope you can make it!

Matt Little's Big Show
Tuesday, July 31st
8:30 PM
Gotham City Improv
48 W 21st St. (between 5th and 6th Aves)
F, V to 23rd St.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

See the Resemblance?

My sister is one of Most Beautiful People at 50 on Capitol Hill!

I'm so proud. She's fifty, and she's beautiful. And she works on Capitol Hill. What more could you want in a woman? Wait...what's that? The award is for the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill? Oh. Well that's different. I am no longer impressed.

Read all about it here.

Each person gets a brief profile. Regardless of the stats that designate someone as single or dating, the article goes on to paint a picture of an available person. Take Derrick. They tell us up front he is in a relationship with someone named Isabel. Then he is asked about his dating frequency and ideal evening out. “I just think it’s more fun making something together,” he said. “I like home-cooked meals.”

If he were real about it he would have said, “ typical Friday? Greet her after work, get yelled at for stinky breath, go exercise at the gym, get a million texts about how I’d better be on time to dinner since her stupid mom is in town, get to dinner late, take her mom’s crap, be quiet all night, get yelled at for being quiet, eat McDonalds on the way home, get yelled at for still being hungry, watch ESPN until I fall asleep.”


I had a great time performing at Del’s show Comedy for the F*** of It in the Village on Tuesday. The crowd was predominately black, and the subject of Luke being white came up as observed by the comedians. We had been in this situation before.

A year or more ago at The Chocolate Monkey (which has since closed down—presumably for calling itself The Chocolate Monkey), an insult comic named Inmate 067890 was hosting at the time and cracked on Luke’s attire, my breasts, the fact that we’re dating, “and he ain’t even rich! You’re supposed to marry UP, woman!” And that was AFTER we had both performed, so we didn’t get a chance to respond. The only thing I could think of to say was, “BOO!” This threw him off a little until he found an overweight waitress and started in on her.

I grabbed his flyer on the way out and cut out his face to keep in my apartment as a reminder of the kind of comic I want to be. So quick! So professional. And so many up-the-booty jokes. Will I ever get there?

I think it’s the right time to point out something that’s not so obvious. Luke isn’t white. He’s black, and he’s been black his whole life. Black people can have blue eyes, right Vanessa?

"Shometimes the shnow comes down in June. Shometimes the shun goes round the moon..."

I still don’t know why he wears sandals in the winter, but I think it has something to do with catching cabs. So if you see us at a show, and you want to comment on the fact that Luke looks white, just know that your joke is tired. Mostly it’s tired of being wrong.

Alibi Cocktail Lounge
116 MacDougal Street
ABCDEFV Trains to West 4th Street
West Village, Manhattan, NYC

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

First Dud

Alternate Title to this post: First Blood...Pressure

I have to call him Sylvester, because he is not being sly. This is a blatant grasp at reclaiming the name that Planet Hollywood tried to destroy. Unlike Rocky Balboa which holds a woman's attention and makes a grown man cry, this movie looks like a nonsensical re-hashing of an exhausted idea. And he's way too eager to please. "I heard you like Cheetos, so I bought some. Remember how we met at the game and both ordered a Coke? There's Coke over there on the table. Know this song? I thought you might. Kelly told me you're into Mos Def..." You're trying too hard, movie moguls.

What’s the deal with the mouth-breathing? The forcably curled lips. We get it, you’re Stallone. He’s doing a better impression of himself than the Brisk tea commercial.

And he turns 77 in this movie, which explains the coverage of a t-shirt. But yet, it doesn't explain the lack of a cardigan. And long hair? How many 77 year olds do you know with long, jet-black hair? (Cher doesn't count--she's 80) GROW OLD for the love of biscuits. If you've got a full head of hair then bless you, but now consult Richard Gere. Even Charles Gibson knows to leave the glasses on the end of his nose.

"This year…John Rambo faces his worst enemy…arthritis."

I guess there is no good way to age. Oh, I know one: off-camera. I would never call my grandma tacky, but if Audrey Hepburn wore polyester frocks, she would NOT be allowed to dance in the GAP ads.

Next subject: Indiana Jowls and The Temple of Gray

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Candid Camera's Wicked Stepdad

Hats off to NBC’s program To Catch a Predator, not only for regularly clearing the streets of potential perverts a la Minority Report, but for recently adding baked goods to the decoy house.

Not only does it give a subliminal message of safety to the predator, it gives way for the funniest and most awkward scene in the show’s history. The decoy girl offers brownies that she claims she made and are, “really good”.

One guy tries them in order to break the ice (before, you know, criminally attacking a minor…because he’s timid about his statutory rape). What he doesn’t know is that the brownies have been sitting out for over a day. The microphone picks up this loud “CRUNCH” while the thing tumbles out of his mouth. Cut to a close-up of his face, already sweaty from guilt, now grimacing and wondering if he should finish what his hostess has offered him. He finally, slowly puts the brownie back.

I hope in the next episode she offers for the predator to use the restroom and the show removes all the toilet paper. Then she puts on music to set the mood, and it’s a William Hung c.d.

Before the show was even created, I used to catch predators. I'd invite them to my house, and when they got there I'd run upstairs and say, "Come and get me, ya big horse's ass!" Then when they climbed the stairs, I would drop a paint can on a string, and it would swing into their faces and knock them backwards. Then at the foot of the stairs, they'd slip on my Micro-Machines and fall on their backs. I caught about two a year that way. The other method was to have them chase me in the street. Then I'd just run into a church. Predators hate churches. Unless they work in the church. But I'm a girl sooooo...

They’re also unveiling a spin-off series called To Catch an Identity Thief. Might I recommend a few more?

To Catch A…


Greasy Landlord

Inside Edition Reporter

Target Employee standing near the register but who doesn’t open the lane

Rich, Stay-at-work Mom who complains about how many nannies she’s been through in the past year

Co-worker who insists on eating a sandwich every time you talk to him and lets bits of tuna fly out onto your paperwork in order to assert some invisible authority over you.

Get ‘em Chris!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Those Suh-huh-merrr Nigh-HEIGHTS

I'll tell you about it, Stud.

July is a great time to catch me performing because I'm on some of the most fun shows New York City has to offer!

Get Psyched! Thursday July 19th, 8:00 PM

I once saw host/creator/master of disguise Rob Lathan do a dead-on impression of Nick Nolte trying stand-up, and it cracked me up more than Nick Nolte's actual mug shot. This week he's Jeff Foxworthy's cousin. Here's my impression of a Foxworthy: "If you've ever hooty HOO on a HEE DIDDLY DAW! Ya might be a REW HOO FEEDLE DEE HEE-HAW!" And his is even better than that.

Delusions of Spandex Saturday July 20th, 7:00 PM
Phaea Crede and Becca Jones of UCB fame host and act throughout this hilarious sketch show. It's always something different, and always a rootin' tootin' good time at Parkside Lounge.

Comedy for the F*** of It Tuesday July 24th, 8:00 PM

Del hosts a lineup of tv-ready (and tv-featured) stars and gives it soul, child! I mean, honey it's poppin'. And by that you know what I'm talkin' 'bout! It's...for black people. Just kidding. It's for EVERYone! But we love black people at this show. Del is amazingly talented, and so is everyone I've known who's gone up. You can't miss this show with sauce. What's saucier than putting a curse word in the title?!

Matt Little's Big Show Tuesday July 31st, 8:30 PM

Improv genius and fellow stand-up, Matt Little hosts a show with his awesome friend I haven't met yet. It's a talk show, and there are jokes. Like chocolate plus peanutbutter. Amen.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Inside Scoop

Inside Edition's slogan is "Real People. Real Stories." But that's the shortened version. The longer one, which can be found on Bill O'Riley's retirement watch, is "Real People. Real Believe. Real These. Real Stories. Real Matter. Real They. Real Don't. Real We. Real Still. Real Get. Real Paid. ...Real BOO! Real Ya'Ugly. Real Beast."

All I’m saying is if important facts and events are a giant block of cheese, Inside Edition is the cloth that strains it, and the yellowish stinky liquid that falls through is funneled into a bottle labeled “Our Exclusive Stories”.

Tonight's titles plus a brief synopsis:

Could an iPod Become a FryPod?

(Bill Gates commands God to strike an iPod-clad boy with lightning to teach Steve Jobs a lesson. The product flies off the shelves as mother-in-laws are gifted the world over. The boy survives, however, and the trend shifts back to Arsenic.)

Oprah's Heartbreak

(A puppy fails to effectively eat a plastic ball a.k.a Bob Greene's worst diet ever. O interpreted the passing as a sign that she needs to slow down. Her remaining pets are hoping she won't need a sign for another 20 years.)

Jessica's Bikinis

(Jessica Simpson makes money selling other people's bodies instead of her own. She introduces a line of bikinis modeled after her wardrobe on The Dukes of Hazzard. Creating clothes that look like other people's clothes. It's kind of like when I "invented" Poptarts by putting jam in between two slices of toast. It did not sell.)

The Lovestruck Walrus

(Performing walrus is jealous of handler's girlfriend. This is a story you can't really joke about considering the heartache the poor creature must be feeling. She stayed up all night drunk dialing the other woman.)

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Quitting Time

Some people leave the office four minutes early. They are stealthy, and all that’s left is a cloud of dust and paperclips. A whisper of “Good night,” lingers, but they’re long gone.

Other people wave and bid adieu like they’re on a game show. “Good night! I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

They need friends.

Some people say it like they won the lottery. “I’m outta here!” And they get very excited. I guess they forget they’re coming back the next morning.

How do I leave the office? This brings forth the age-old question. When there’s no one else around, do I really make a sound?

Yeah. Yeah I do.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Enjoy Life Again

Do you find it hard to get going in the morning?
Are you often drowsy after a big lunch?
Nod off during a boring speech?
When someone else yawns…does it make you yawn?

You might be a victim of limited encephalitis, a deceptive narcolepsy that may strike at any moment whenever you get sleepy. If you’re tired of being tired, Myfeetra can help. One whiff of Myfeetra will wake you up and keep you alert. The noxious compounds that grow on Myfeetra are strong enough to propel the human body to drop everything, run out of a building and at least half a mile away. But the benefits are not limited to the aroma. Most people who have tasted Myfeetra claim to have lost their appetite for an entire week. The product may be used as an insecticide or to combat rodent infestation. Just place Myfeetra near a vent in your home, and small creatures expire within minutes.

Myfeetra is not to be used near pets. If you have a problem with toes, ask your doctor if Myfeetra is right for you. Common side effects include dry heaving, watery eyes, involuntary complaining, kids singing “Yo Mama Don’t Wear No Socks” and short-term memory loss cause it’s so stank. Like every medication, Myfeetra is not to be used if you are nursing or pregnant or may become pregnant. Or if you used to be pregnant. Or if you even have a uterus. Let’s stay on the safe side.

Hey. Wake up and smell the roses*!

*The makers of Myfeetra are confident that you will feel awake, but cannot guarantee the ability to smell roses.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Benvenuti a Brooklyn

For Marina, the Italian tourist I met riding the R who was looking for “the best part of Brooklyn…the part where people break dance in the street”.

I know the best part of Brooklyn for bodegas without cat hair, the best part for beaches without broken glass, and for stoop sales without crazy old women (there are only two). As for public break dancing…I had to send her back to Times Square where the Michael Jacksons (big and small) put on an underground show.

This guy’s from the UK, but if he ever came here, he’d have to deal with Ozone…

"Man, don't make me take out my feather earring."