Thursday, July 19, 2007

Candid Camera's Wicked Stepdad

Hats off to NBC’s program To Catch a Predator, not only for regularly clearing the streets of potential perverts a la Minority Report, but for recently adding baked goods to the decoy house.

Not only does it give a subliminal message of safety to the predator, it gives way for the funniest and most awkward scene in the show’s history. The decoy girl offers brownies that she claims she made and are, “really good”.

One guy tries them in order to break the ice (before, you know, criminally attacking a minor…because he’s timid about his statutory rape). What he doesn’t know is that the brownies have been sitting out for over a day. The microphone picks up this loud “CRUNCH” while the thing tumbles out of his mouth. Cut to a close-up of his face, already sweaty from guilt, now grimacing and wondering if he should finish what his hostess has offered him. He finally, slowly puts the brownie back.

I hope in the next episode she offers for the predator to use the restroom and the show removes all the toilet paper. Then she puts on music to set the mood, and it’s a William Hung c.d.

Before the show was even created, I used to catch predators. I'd invite them to my house, and when they got there I'd run upstairs and say, "Come and get me, ya big horse's ass!" Then when they climbed the stairs, I would drop a paint can on a string, and it would swing into their faces and knock them backwards. Then at the foot of the stairs, they'd slip on my Micro-Machines and fall on their backs. I caught about two a year that way. The other method was to have them chase me in the street. Then I'd just run into a church. Predators hate churches. Unless they work in the church. But I'm a girl sooooo...

They’re also unveiling a spin-off series called To Catch an Identity Thief. Might I recommend a few more?

To Catch A…


Greasy Landlord

Inside Edition Reporter

Target Employee standing near the register but who doesn’t open the lane

Rich, Stay-at-work Mom who complains about how many nannies she’s been through in the past year

Co-worker who insists on eating a sandwich every time you talk to him and lets bits of tuna fly out onto your paperwork in order to assert some invisible authority over you.

Get ‘em Chris!


hardlegs chauncy heeflaw said...

I stopped throwing paint cans at predators after one of them caught me in my next-door neighbor's house and hung me up on a nail sticking out of the basement door. He threatened to bite off all my fingers while his partner stuffed a dishtowel in the kitchen sink's drain and turned on the faucet, hoping to flood the house while I bled to death. Good thing I got away. The "South Bend Shovel Slayer" swooped in and saved the day.

Abbi said...

Do they ever explain why the shoveler had a bandaged wound? I still think he's playing both sides.

hardlegs c. heeflaw said...

The shoveler sustained those hand-wounds in the pilot episode of Amazing Stories. A locomotive did that to his hand. The wounds carried over into Home Alone.