Friday, January 25, 2008

Roe Vs. Wade Anniversary

Last Tuesday marked the 35th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade verdict. Producers Carolyn Castiglia and Nichelle Stephens invited Dr. Erick Newberry to drop some knowledge. Check out some of the memorable quotes of the night on their website.

Carolyn led the lineup with a swish of her lovely hairstyle and humor with events so current they haven't even happened yet.

Carolyn Castiglia

Nichelle participated with an awesome avant-garde sketch/puppetry group.

Nichelle Stephens and puppet

Jess Wood closed the show with a huge bang. I think it was someone's gut busting.


International superstar Clara Bijl dropped in to hit the stage before she jet-set off to France or Los Angeles or wherever her comedy's taking her these days. Tres chic!

Clara Bijl and Abbi Crutchfield

Rockin' the Vote

Here's the video by Sara Benincasa! Luke and I share our thoughts on church, relationships, politics and aliens.  All in two flat minutes! We are sitting in the Sesame Street studio.

Watch the video below, or click the link above to go to For those of you who are curious, I am not alarmed when Luke says, "I don't think of her as a black woman, like I'm marrying a black woman...but I don't think of her as a white woman either..."

Luke thinks I am a man.  I haven't told him the truth, but I plan to do so on our wedding night, once the papers have already been signed. For the record we are not even engaged, so MUMS THE WORD.  

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Cooking with Abbi II

Tonight's theme was similar-looking foods. I made sure everything was lumpy, round and beige.


Chicken burgers


People would have paid big bucks for this if it were served at Nobu. And just as if it had been in front of celebrities, the meal remained untouched.

Just kidding.  For the record, I do not have OCD and insist that all of my foods start with the same letter of the alphabet.  I happen to be cooking recipes that involve ingredients I already have at home.  As the cupboards get bare you will see increasingly bizarre combinations.   

All aboard!  This train is about to leave Rationalization Station:
1. I opted not to add a vegetable because the couscous came with broccoli bits. Shriveled, brown, microscopic broccoli bits.  

2. The cookies are peanut butter, which just adds protein.

3. Hey, it's the only thing my kid eats.  I have to give him SOMEthing, Dr. Phil.  I mean (hands on hips, looking to the sky and back at you) I can't let him STARVE for heaven's sakes!  

Monday, January 21, 2008

Race Relations

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. day!

Sara Benincasa is a part of the 2008 MTV News Choose or Lose Street Team, and last week she interviewed us and asked about what life is like in an interracial relationship.

Sara Benincasa, Abbi Crutchfield and Luke Thayer

Instead of listening to our carefully rehearsed, politically correct and socially sensitive answers, she decided to ask one of the many wig heads I keep in my apartment.

Sara Benincasa, Abbi Crutchfield, Luke Thayer and Dummy Head

Of all of the things I pretend are my children, this one is the one I consider closest to our hearts. He has curly hair like me and blonde hair like some distant, Nordic relative of Luke's. Like both of us, he has dry skin, and he's made of styrofoam so he's irreplaceable.
Sara Benincasa interviews Dummy Head with Curly Wig

Thursday, January 17, 2008


Catch me tonight as Condoleezza Rice at On The Rocks with Danny Leary at The Duplex!

Thursday, January 17th at 9:30PM
Duplex Cabaret Theater
61 Christopher St (@7th ave)

$10 cover + 2 drinks

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Suck It List

There's a new genre in town, and it's going to blow Black Cop-White Cop out of the water! It's the Black Invalid-White Invalid dramedy. Not since the two-toned cookie has black been paired with white and been so sickeningly sweet. The Suck It List brings together a conceited billionaire played by Jack Nicholson and an unusually-poetic- for-his-blue-collar-status Morgan Freeman together in a hospital. They bond over a horrific case of hemorrhoids and a disdain for America's neglect of the elderly. Together they create a list of People Who Can Suck It. After covering all of the hospital staff and their own family members, they voyage beyond the sliding doors to meet other people they can complain about.

From diner waitresses to skydiving instructors, no one is spared from their classically crotchety taglines: "Is that my pacemaker clicking or the sound of your mindless chatter?" (said to Sean Hayes, the aristocratic nephew), "Well give me a sponge bath and turn on Deal or No Deal" (When Nicholson agrees with something), and (when Freeman samples a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos) "I'm getting too old for this chip".

Eventually, Nicholson realizes that sharing his time with another person can be enjoyable. Freeman dons a white tuxedo to reveal he was God all along and flies away, leaving Nicholson to chuckle at his notorious case of cold feet. He finally agrees to tie the knot with a younger woman played by Abigail Breslin.

Two arthritic thumbs up!

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Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Office Mail

Here's an excerpt from an e-mail I once wrote to a colleague. I'm sorting through the stuff before I delete it. It's called CLOSURE! Maybe this convo happened as the result of a Happy Hour invitation, but I was explaining why I don't drink.

I wonder what I would say if I were drunk AND angry. “I OWN YOU” (pointing to a house plant) “Just shut up and—hey, look at me when I’m talking to you. You disgust me!” (Then turning to a refrigerator) “Why do you let me get like this? Take me home” (Fall to kitchen floor).

Is This Racist?

I am trying to heighten my bias awareness, to the point of being sensitive about magazine cartoons. Even if they come from magazines founded by black women.

Here is a question about a popular holiday topic (Re-Gifting Etiquette) accompanied by a cartoon that depicts the situation.

Why is the woman with the buying power Asian? Why is the employer of the dog walker white? Most importantly, why is the dog walker shorter and heavier--and why does she have curly hair, wear ridiculously large sunglasses and have a cheesy grin?

Her hat says, "Italia". Is she Italian? She seems to bear features of a darker-skinned culture. Is it a souvenir from her last employer's trip to Italy? It can't be the gift in question because that would be the outdated, black frock the white woman is holding.

I guess you could call this classist instead of racist, but I can't ignore the stark differences in appearance among the women. The artist chose to employ diversity among her/his subjects in the worst way.

Question: What should you do when you give someone a present and they immediately ask, "Did you get a receipt?" or "Gee, that's not really my color--do you mind if I give it to my dog walker?"

Answer: You look to the ground with shame, for you have dishonored your culture, Asian woman! You have several options: you may do her nails, teach her how to use chopsticks or offer for your son to fix her computer. She may have a gym membership, but her hairstyle says Socialite, so instead of encouraging her anorexic side, why don't you appeal to her vanity and compliment her Harry Winston earrings? As for you, Dog walker, keep being sassy you playful, lovable, old confidante!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Cooking with Abbi

The meal pictured above is what I served for dinner last night. It is

A) a combination of leftovers, baby food and garbage
B) a plate of Beneful, the meat and vegetables dogfood
C) a chicken dinner attacked by Slimer, as I have an uncontrollable ghost problem in the house.

If you chose any of those answers you would be RUDE. A good guesser, but gauche nonetheless. That hot plate of shiny food is my attempt at Indian cuisine. My "Tandoori" is a stovetop, and my seasoning of choice is McCormicks for Poultry. The light green stuff is curried couscous with raisins and toasted (BURNED) almonds. The slime is spinach and cheese that comes in a bag that you boil. The edible part is a piece of pita bread. Also known as Naan in my imagination.

How did it taste? Considering that two thirds of the meal was instant, and also pre-cooked, I based the crux of my analysis on the chicken. It wasn't dry, it wasn't expired (I get busy sometimes), but it was only so-so. Perhaps that's because I have not mastered the art of marinating meat. By "art" I mean the forethought to put salad dressing on the chicken while it's in the fridge.

The couscous smelled like pepper, and that's what I get for adding a teaspoon instead of a couple of dashes. What's a teaspoon matter? Put a teaspoon of water on your tuft of cotton candy and get back to me.

The spinach was good, but only when I dipped the bread in it. Maybe that's because I like my soup in a bowl, not running all over my plate. What's a bowl matter? Try to take a bath by hosing down your garage floor and get back to me.

I'm trying to save money by cooking at home instead of eating out so much. I think a sign of its level of difficulty is that I have invited myself to a friend's house for dinner tonight. Thank goodness tomorrow is Saturday, which is always a good excuse to order pizza. What's a pizza matter? Imagine eating the above picture for the rest of your life and get back to me.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Letters to My Television

Dear Olive Garden: there is no such thing as “Lasagna Rollatini”. Yes I have been to Italy. What’s that? No I haven’t met your chef… Pleasure to make your acquaintance Mister...? Boyardee.

Dear Facebook: You’re sponsoring a debate? There’s nothing sadder than when your wild college buddy goes corporate. Nice tie, Facebook. Just remember to give it back to my grandpa when you’re done.

Dear Letterman’s Beard: Zat you, Santa Claus?

Dear "It's My Money, and I Need It NOW!" : Great idea to use the auditions of actors so you never have to pay them. Only problem, not convincing enough. You should have told them you were using their likeness without paying them and then taped THAT response.

Dear Optimum Online: your Latin-flavored, mermaid-costumed, accordion-laced rap song has successfully been memorized by Target employees. However, it took me twelve listens to understand the spokesman was saying, "Come on, mi gente" and not "Come on, be handy". Tell him to enunciate his Spanglish.

Dear Today Show Makeover Contestants: No more bragging about lost weight if you still look fat.

Dear Head On: I don't know what you're putting in that magical glue stick, but it must be good. Maybe I'll get one of you this year. After I find a Clapper for the lights above my Chia Pet.

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