Thursday, January 3, 2008

Letters to My Television

Dear Olive Garden: there is no such thing as “Lasagna Rollatini”. Yes I have been to Italy. What’s that? No I haven’t met your chef… Pleasure to make your acquaintance Mister...? Boyardee.

Dear Facebook: You’re sponsoring a debate? There’s nothing sadder than when your wild college buddy goes corporate. Nice tie, Facebook. Just remember to give it back to my grandpa when you’re done.

Dear Letterman’s Beard: Zat you, Santa Claus?

Dear "It's My Money, and I Need It NOW!" : Great idea to use the auditions of actors so you never have to pay them. Only problem, not convincing enough. You should have told them you were using their likeness without paying them and then taped THAT response.

Dear Optimum Online: your Latin-flavored, mermaid-costumed, accordion-laced rap song has successfully been memorized by Target employees. However, it took me twelve listens to understand the spokesman was saying, "Come on, mi gente" and not "Come on, be handy". Tell him to enunciate his Spanglish.

Dear Today Show Makeover Contestants: No more bragging about lost weight if you still look fat.

Dear Head On: I don't know what you're putting in that magical glue stick, but it must be good. Maybe I'll get one of you this year. After I find a Clapper for the lights above my Chia Pet.

Photo credit:


Mo Diggs said...

Dear CSI:

Don't steal Jerry Orbach's eyes from Law & Order's utility closet.

David Caruso said...

Dear Mr. Diggs: Sounds like you...know more about eyes...than the average writer. Maybe you'd be interested in telling us...why you were on the beach with that young blind girl last Thursday?

Jerell said...

Hey, did you ever see the Olive Garden commercial with the black family? I've never laughed so hard in my life!

Ha, magical glue stick.

Abbi said...

LOL, no I've never seen that one! I thought all commercials had a one-black-person policy unless they were for McDonalds. Yours must have aired during Showtime at The Apollo.

Dr. Harold K. Lotes said...

Optimum’s reggaeton-esc jingle was stuck in my head for a week. Only I thought they were saying, “Come on me handy…” which confused me a bit. Thanks for the clarity. I gave “The Suck it List” 5 out of 10 Lotes’ stars.

Outstanding blog.

Abbi said...

Mr. Lotes...may I call you Hank? Thank you. You should invent a super feed and call it Lotes' Oats. And serve them at a petting zoo called Lotes' Goats. And all staffers would wear jackets that say "Lotes Coats for Lotes Goats that Eat Lotes Oats".