Friday, October 31, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

2008 Portrait Contest

Hey gang! We are now accepting submissions to the 2008 Portrait contest. As many of you know, Abbi's favorite thing to paint is portraits.

If your favorite thing is Abbi, bring the two together! What a great combo; like chocolate and peanutbutter or pistols and powerpoint presentations.

But what do you WIN? The comedian/artist herself will paint YOUR portrait if you are selected as the grand prize winner. Her work is posted on the Fan Art page of

Brian and Abbi.JPG
Here she is with last year's winner, Brian and the portrait she made of him and his dog Mo.

E-mail your scanned drawing, etching, painting, sculpture, or macaroni art to: curlycomedy(at)


Monday, October 27, 2008

Mi Casa es Mi Casa

My latest post on is called "The Great Debate", about which place to keep after Luke and I aren't swinging bachelors anymore.

Luke has run a smear campaign, citing my ceiling that fell in, my routinely blown fuses and my damp hallway from the neighbor’s leaky shower. I have no choice but to issue a plea to the American public.

Click here to read the whole post. And don't forget to leave some feedback there.

Ask Abbi: What's Up?

Michael Jackson and Eddie Murphy in 'Whatzupwitu'

Mo of writes:

Dear Abbi,

What's up?

Thanks for writing and asking me how things are. So few people take the time to do this anymore, not to mention in such an eloquently succinct (and succinctly eloquent) way.

My schedule is quite packed. Thursday I was at the Duplex for On the Rocks with Danny Leary, The Living Room had a Halloween Scare-avaganza on Friday, I was in the Delusions of Spandex Halloween show on Saturday, and I was in another show called Pinstripes and Plaid where I performed a sketch Luke wrote and a character piece as Michelle Obama. I was running around so much I had to cancel my appearance at Schtick or Treat, which sounded like a really fun time.

But you probably didn't want to know about a schedule you could conveniently review in the side bar to the right. Perhaps you were merely testing the Ask Abbi guidelines, curious to see whether sarcastic questions are answered. If that was a joke, then you leave me no choice but to answer in kind:

chicken butt.

Then again, you are a writer who chooses words carefully. You may like to know literally, what is up.

10. The sky
9. Warren Buffet's spirits
8. Mario Batali's cholesterol
7. Barack Obama's approval rating in Colorado.
6. Amy Poehler's time at Saturday Night Live since she had a kid.
5. The down elevator I wait for at lunch.
4. In my estimation, The Unit, for its riveting storytelling.
3. The price of milk
2. Whatever is thrown in the air by toddlers (today's item: a tupperware of Cheerios)
1. The jig

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Photo credit:

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Pen Pals

Take time today to write your sponsored child! Your letters will establish a special relationship between you and the child you sponsor.

Ms. Abbi Crutchfield,

How are you doing? Praise God I am fine. Thank you so much for all your support to me. Happy New Year and Merry Christmas. I got your letter and 2 photos. I am so happy. I am doing well and I am happy. My family is also happy. Bye for now.

Keep your letters simple. Emphasize things you have in common.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for writing me! You sound very happy. I am happy too.

Send pictures of yourself and your family.

Here is another picture of my sister. People say we look alike. Here is my mother. She is white like the people who send you my letters. Some people in America think I am from Ethiopia, but you probably don't think I look like anyone you know.

Send postcards of where you live and places you've visited.

Here is a postcard of my home state: Indiana. You are looking at a theme park called Indiana Beach. A theme park is a place for people to eat food that is bad for them and get on rides that may kill them. It is fun.

Flat paper items are the only things we can forward. Items such as jewelry are usually confiscated by customs officials in other countries.

Please enjoy these stickers shaped like fruit. They are called "scratch-n-sniff", and are made of chemicals to simulate the smell of food. You may want to, but you should not eat them. In America we are obsessed with food. Our soap, shampoo and lotion smells like fruits and spices and chocolate. We make candles that smell like food too. We don't use candles for light anymore. We use them for decor. I am running out of room on my card.

Please do not send sexually explicit materials or comments.

Remember I told you I am getting married to a man named Luke? We look forward to being married because then we will have more time to...write lots of letters and smell lots of stickers together. I am happy.

Your friend,
Ms. Abbi Crutchfield

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Couldn't Agree With Him More

Hilarious Clip du Jour of Sen. John McCain.

MCCAIN: In case...I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately.
MCCAIN: And you know...I couldn't agree with him more.
CROWD: (Silence)
MCCAIN: I couldn't disagree...with YOU...I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most God-loving--
CROWD: Yeaaah!
MCCAIN: --Most...most patriotic part of America. This is a great part of the country!
CROWD: Hooray!

Cindy McCain gets the award for maintaining her composure throughout. Seriously. If that had been Luke making the speech, I would have leaned over and corrected him. Then made a face at the camera. Then made "twirling my hair and brushing my teeth" motions in his direction. Then I would have pulled out a cream pie and smooshed it in his face. Then drank a Martini and said, "Night night," and smashed the glass over my head, falling to the floor. But that's what makes our relationship work.

Photo credit:

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Who Knows Best? Dirty Comic vs. Christian Comic

Curly Comedy sits down with two performing stereotypes to interview them on their technique.

On Black Audiences

Dirty Comic: I love black rooms. I've been on BET's Comic View several times. Because I'm white, they always look at me like, "What's this chump doing here?" And then I cue the DJ to play some Gerald Levert while I hump the stool. I do my bit called B****es Ain't Sh** which ends with a back flip, and then I start break dancin' (gets up to pop and lock), and they're like, "Aww sh**! This is the hotness!" (sits down). I got a standing ovation at Showtime at the Apollo. You have to be sympathetic to the race and meet them at their level.

Christian Comic: I perform for a lot of all-black churches. If there's one thing that unites audiences of all races it's God's love. And cable knit sweaters.

On Clothes

Dirty Comic: Leather. Always. It says Early Chris Rock, it's an homage to the Dice Man, and the crowd subconsciously thinks you're tough (if you haven't shadow boxed your way onto the stage already). Also a clean pair of drawers in case you get lucky later.

Christian Comic: I find a neatly pressed button-down shirt says, "I'm not threatening, and I'm an upstanding citizen." It's important to let your audience know you're there to make them laugh and not to scare them. For taped specials I wear something a family member made me, and throw it over the shirt. It's a shout-out immortalized in VHS.

On Having Draw

Dirty Comic: When I get booked to a club I make 'em a deal. I say, "If I fill the house, I take the door, but I'll sell my merch' out back in the alley." This works pretty good except in the winter. Business slows down because fewer people want a jersey that says, "I Wash My Balls". I gotta remember to invest in baseball shirts.

Christian Comic: Well, I always offer my services free to a church, but they take up a collection for me and never let me go home empty-handed because God is good. At middle schools, we usually agree to a set fee, and I get a free hot lunch. Some supplemental income comes from working as a motivational speaker at conventions in hotel ballrooms. Most of my draw is as a wedding singer.

On Drinking While Performing

Dirty Comic: I used to go on stage with a Hennesey and Coke and a cigarette, unless it was a young crowd, and then I'd just drink the beer on the table in front of me. But that was in the '80s. I gotta take care of my health now--doctor's orders--so it's strictly water on stage for me. And vodka after the show.

Christian Comic: I do a bit with Mr. Pickles here (holds up black cat puppet, says through teeth,"Your detter half,") Better half? Oh now, come on. He drinks a glass of water while I sing, and the audience just howls. (Through teeth, "I prefer nilk,") Yes, we all know you love milk, Mr. Pickles. ("Nilk and cookies") Now one more interruption like that, and I'm going to take you to get fixed! (puppets eyes get wide). Where was I? Oh yes, any other beverage on stage might spill on my guitar, so I abstain.

Ask Abbi: Red Carpet Content

Adria of writes:

As a fan of your blog I would like to see/read more crafty writing and less photos/images of celebs.

Thank you for being a fan of the blog and for letting me know what you like to read most. I thought I would address this suggestion in an Ask Abbi installment to let you know how my posts come about.

Sometimes I write a joke for my act* that never makes it in or is so topical it won't stay in for long. It's usually easier to explain the concept in a blog post rather than whittle away at it on stage. Sometimes I have a conversation with friends and I explore it further in my blog. The latter method yields a lot of celebrity posts because that's my favorite topic during weekday lunches. An exchange about unusual celebrity baby names became the post "Overheard in an L.A. Daycare" which became the short film "L.A. Daycare" (see Videos in sidebar).

Then there is the third method for posting: I dig through garbage. Not only has this helped me to produce the most relatable topics, but I have also been able to furnish my home based on someone else's good credit score. It's a win for me and a win for readers. The only person who loses out is the victim of identity theft, but they have to learn life lessons some time.

To read more posts about the topics you like, please scroll down the sidebar and click on the Label that interests you most. Politics (Funny, not Biased), Cubicle Secrets (Office Stories), Bombing (Stories of Failed Performances), etc. And to avoid having to install a security system, I urge everyne to shred all important documents.

*For more on the joke-writing process, see The Method to My Madness.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Photo credit:

Monday, October 20, 2008

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Coincidence

Have a birthday coming up? You look good for your age! Whatever that means...

Cameron Diaz at 36

Real 36.

Lucy Liu at 40.

Real 40.

Madonna at 50.

Real 50.

Candace Bergen at 62.

Real 62.

Sophia Lauren at 74

Real 74

Demi Moore at 46 with three kids.

Real 46 with three kids.

Of course there are some exceptions...

Author Connie Briscoe in her 30s

in her 40s

and at age 56

New anti-aging serum ingredients: black DNA

Thursday, October 16, 2008

M.I.A. is P.G.

All she wants to do is (pacifier sucking sound) and ("Row Row Row Your Boat") and have a baby!

Singer M.I.A. is expecting now, so I guess it's time to update my impression of her. Good thing I'm not a method actor.

Photo credit:

Movie Double

Josh Brolin is playing George W. Bush in the new movie, W. Since Hollywood is already enamored with Sen. Barack Obama, it's just a matter of time before they choose to make a movie about him too.

Who will be the next actor to play Barack Obama?

Denzel Washington

At first glance, the obvious choice. But he's too good at his own sultry cadence to adopt the froggy, stilted aspect of Obama's speech.

Fred Armisen

Only if you get Martha Plimpton to play Michelle Obama, and instead of an Oval Office setting, the film is shot in a basement rave.

Terrence Howard

No. They're saving him for a Smokey Robinson biopic.

Harry Lennix

I believe we have a winner. He already played a version of him in August Wilson's Radio Golf on Broadway last year.

Who will play Michelle Obama?

Angela Bassett

All I see is Tina Turner.

Jennifer Hudson

Stop it Hollywood! Stop trying to cram this woman down my throat. She's a gifted SINGER. I get that. But if you tell me she's got a principal role in a drama without music, I'm telling you...I'm not going.

Sigourney Weaver in blackface


Undoubtedly I will be visiting the White House as my impression of their daughters during my one-woman-show Black She-lebrity goes viral on youtube. So who will play ME?

Halle Berry

Too old.

Alicia Keyes

Too light.


Too deceased. They would have to use footage from her vampire movie, and that would be confusing.

Thandie Newton

She's already in W.

Zoe Saldana

She steals enough of my roles. Besides, she's holding out to play Thandie Newton some day.

Tracee Ellis Ross

A.K.A. Diana Ross's daughter, A.K.A. what some find to be my look-alike "if you had big eyes." Pass.

Cree Summer

The girl from A Different World. I am told by many that this is my twin. Getting warmer...

This lady


Photo credits:
Doug Yaeger

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Who Knows Best? Hack vs. Rookie

Curly Comedy sits down with two performing stereotypes to interview them on their technique.

On Hecklers

Rookie: I'm usually thinking too hard to hear what was said in the first place, but no matter what, I gotta insult the person or he wins. Then I think of the joke I was telling when I was interrupted, and I start it from the beginning, because it's a really good joke. If they don't laugh afterwards I start insulting everyone in the room.

Hack: Well, if the heckle comes from a woman I tell her she should get laid. That kills. Then I tell her how I might help her in that department (chuckles to himself). If it's a man, there are many, many ways I can jokingly get him on my side. The first way is a callback to [a joke about] my drinking buddy Earl. In fact, that whole bit is designed to be able to use against a heckler later.

On When the Check Drops

Rookie: Man, that's the worst! You're guaranteed no one will listen to you, so don't tell your best jokes. In fact don't tell any jokes at all. Just watch the tables and rip into the first person who passes the bill around.

Hack: I don't think about that moment anymore. Let's's right between "Getting Pets High" and "Wife Spends Too Much" so it's not a problem for me.

On Passing out Fliers

Rookie: You have to. There's no other way to get a good audience.

Hack: I don't believe I know what that is. Fliers for what, a restaurant chain? Oh for my show. That's a New York thing. I do the Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee circuit so I don't bother with that.

On Getting Action on The Road

Rookie: What road?

Hack: There's always someone you know is gonna be star struck. I pick her out before the show starts. When I get her attention from the stage, I reference an earlier joke about getting busy in a Camaro. In fact, that whole bit is designed to be able to use on some trim later.

On New Material

Rookie: I do something new every other time on stage because otherwise I get bored. It's about making yourself laugh. If it stops making ME laugh, what's the point of telling it?

Hack: If it ain't broke, don't fix it! If I'm a boxer, my fists are what put food on the table. Could you imagine Mike Tyson using his feet? "This is ludakwis. If I don't get good at this I'm gonna have to go back to biting ears." Hey, that's a pretty good one there. Maybe you got a point.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Blogade in October

I may look like the kind of girl you want to buy a drink in a bar, but I'm also the kind of person who, once you have bought her the drink, admits that in the past year she held an awards show for yogurts and watched both movie versions of The Secret Garden with friends to decide which one was better.

It should come as no surprise then that when I was asked to attend a blogging event on behalf of a friend, I immediately agreed to forego a Sunday of relaxing in pajamas to network and stroll the lovely Brooklyn Botanical Gardens (BBG).

Standing in for Melissa of Hip Slope Mama,

I also went to The Blogade to represent this blog

and the Living Room blog.

This is the true story
Of eleven strangers
Picked to go to a green house
And find out what happens
When bloggers stop speaking in type
And start getting real
The Real World: BBG

First of all, I didn't know what to expect at a "blogging event". Do we bring our laptops? Do we shake hands or do we just pat eachother twice on the shoulder to represent double-clicking? Do we make small talk or wait until we get home and submit comments? My questions were soon answered. Actually, they were replaced with new ones as I met the host Xris: Who is this man in the Hawaiian shirt? Where are the other bloggers? Why am I eating "Chef's Chili" for breakfast?

After going through the itinerary (get food on your own from the cafe, meet at noon to hear BBG reps speak, shout-out the blog you represent, go for a private guided tour of the grounds), I went for a stroll to pass the time. A young couple with thick Eastern European accents stopped me, "Ex kyoos me? Do you work here?"
"Can you tell us where is lake?"
--Uh...I have a map here in my backpack...
"No, we already have map!" (They opened theirs. I pointed to the lake on the map)
--Here it is.
"Yes, but where is...(gesturing) out here?" (I pointed to building #23)
--You are standing here. This building is the same one marked 23 on the map. So walk this way (gesturing down a path) until you see the lake.

They both frowned and looked at me like I did not provide sufficient information and therefore should not have said I worked there.

A few minutes later I found a wedding. The guests were seated, and a red-headed emcee who resembled Prince Harry was keeping them amused. All of a sudden, he darted across the lawn, passed me, and frantically entered a glass building where the wedding party awaited. I never found out what the problem was, but I did see a nicely dressed woman who looked like the Mom from The Nanny wandering around, confused, several yards away.

I returned to the picnic tables to see more bloggers had congregated. Upon Xris's signal, we all followed the BBG reps into a private entrance of an office building. With a long hallway and high arched ceiling (and my mind wandering), it felt like I was walking down the aisle of a church. I made a note to myself not to wait too much longer to book a venue so I won't be stuck with an office building.

In a conference room we had tea and cookies and took turns sharing our blogs. There was one for real estate, one for gardening, one for baby boomers and neighborhood-specific blogs. One woman simply called hers "Bad Girl Blog" and without further explanation I have to assume it was freaky. One Orthodox Jewish gentleman stopped reading to announce he was there to monitor the Blogade and went right back on reading.

I didn't have time for the tour that followed, although it could have provided some closure to the day: did the Euros find their lake? Did Prince Harry find the grandma? Did anyone else sincerely regret eating chili? Overall, I learned a bit more about the landmarks in my neighborhood, I met some interesting people, and I got to watch this beautiful footage of flowers blooming that looks like it's right out of The Secret Garden. The good one.

2008 Cherry Blossom Time-lapse at Brooklyn Botanic Garden from Brooklyn Botanic Garden on Vimeo.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008



Meat and Potatoes

A great show for people who grew up middle-class, skipped class, or who have no class hosted by comedy powerhouse Carolyn Castiglia. This is my first show at The P.I.T.! I'm very excited about it, and you should be too, because I am also performing with Luke. If you ever wanted to rub us out at the same time, this is a good place to do it. I mean...I've been watching a lot of Mafia movies lately.

Carolyn Castiglia (VH1's White Rapper Show)
Abbi Crutchfield (MTV, VH1)
Luke Thayer (recently opened on the road for Jeremy Schachter)
Dean Obeidallah (Comedy Central's The Watch List)
Timmy Williams (The Whitest Kids You Know)
Jess Wood (HBO's Def Comedy Jam)

The People's Improv Theater, 9:30PM
154 W 29th St, 2nd Fl (btwn 6/7 aves)
New York, NY 10001


The Living Room

Host of Honor Nick Cobb welcomes
Jennifer Grant
Jared Logan
and more!

Postmark Cafe, 8:00PM
326 6th St (btwn 4/5 aves)
Park Slope, BK 11215

They're both free which means the current state of the economy is not a reason to stay home. In fact, if you want to forget your troubles, it's a good reason to come. Both shows are completely different, so you get more bang for your non-buck.


It's a toss-up whether Barack Obama and John McCain need to go on having televised debates. Americans have made their decision and aren't hinging their choice on ideas professed at these forums. The messages have been heard, and now we are focusing on the little things, which leaves our presidential candidates subject to the evaluation process by which we measure the success of Rihanna music videos.

Should Obama and McCain keep subjecting themselves to the average American's knee-jerk, image-based scrutiny? Or should they live on in our memories as touched-up photos in the Sunday Parade? During my brief participation in a live chat during the Q&A, most of what I read were funny commentary about what was shown and not said. So let us now focus on what REALLY matters...

Observation 1: Foundational vs. foundation. Barack had a lot of makeup on. I mean A LOT.

I see even coverage from the ears to the neck. I'm betting he used a pencil on his brows and concealer on his hands. It makes me wonder if all the charisma, eloquence and commanding presence is nothing but TV magic. Leadership: maybe he was born with it. And maybe it's Maybelline.

Observation 2: It's a neighborly day for a beautywood. Every time McCain said "My friends" I became more certain that he'll have a wonderful career as a cardigan-wearing host of a children's program.

This doctored photo courtesy of the Paint program which, yes, still exists.

Observation 3: School yard whining. There was a bit of a skirmish when Obama wanted to address McCain's point via follow-up, and McCain protested, "If he gets a follow-up, I'm getting a follow-up," which was overlapped by Barack's insistence and Tom Brokaw's gavel slamming down on the podium. I did not watch the whole program, but this moment alone made McCain look eager to be heard while calling for a leveling of the field. Kind of like when I wasn't dealt any good cards in UNO, and I demanded my sister re-shuffle until I got a Wild.

Observation 4: Obama's flubs. Two times I heard Obama say something and re-state it the way they do on the news. "Two personal trainers were arrested for inciting a diet--rather--a riot last Wednesday..." Were any of these noteworthy? I couldn't tell because my eyes had glossed over.

Observation 5: History Repeats Itself. I am so indoctrined with the belief that old age slows us down that it actually surprised me when McCain chimed in with a quick reaction to something that was said. He also surprised me by referencing one of his heroes, Teddy Roosevelt. And no, he did not say Teddy Regan-velt, butI understand your immediate association of John McCain with Ronald Regan (his voice, his age, his representing the GOP, his *insert record millionth joke about Bush looking like a monkey, now with refreshing analogy of Regan's show Bedtime for Bonzo* ).

John McCain explained how he believes in speaking softly but carrying a big stick. I was not the best U.S. History student, so I don't remember what Roosevelt's stick symbolized. However, I definitely see that Sen. McCain's got the speaking softly part down.

Photo credit: