Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Oscars and The Yogis

Two Sundays ago, 32.3 million people huddled around their televisions to watch the 80th Annual Academy Awards. None of those people were my friends. I was alone and hungry, and it was in my grocer's dairy section that I decided to throw my own party. And I would celebrate by doing something I never have the guts to do: I was going to buy all the kinds of yogurt I normally dismiss as too expensive or too weird to eat!

Yes, first-year psych students, evidence has been growing that when our need for social relationships is not met, we fall apart mentally. What's your point?

If you're like me, when you think party, you think yogurt. Inexplicable amounts of yogurt in flavor combinations that make more sense in a garbage pail. Had I only moved an inch over to the pudding section, this might have made an interesting story! And so began the 1st Annual Yogi Awards, whereby I would compare different kinds of the same product JUST BECAUSE. What better complement to the Oscars than something bitter, low in fat, and artificially sweet?

I think I stole that line from Jon Stewart.

"Ms. Crutchfield! Ms. Crutchfield! Who are you wearing?"

The top is from Target, and the scrubs are from some hospital where my mother worked. It's a look I call Pajamas in the Early Evening. Created by old farts, but perfected by lazy bums.

Tonight's Yogi Awards are sponsored by Dairy Digestive Aid, the generic Lactaid. "We don't need commercials to prove our product works. Just someone who's never heard of a placebo."

The presenters were all selected with care. The scoop and I go way back, the little one is new and wanted the kind of exposure my blog can provide. The other spoon ran away with my dish, and that's all I am at liberty to say.

Invitees were treated to a swag bag (of groceries) including Tombstone pizza, Jones cream soda and Tollhouse cookies (a $12.49 value)!

The nominations for Most Acceptable Flavor for a Healthy Kind are:

Stonyfield Farm organic, fat-free, fruit-on the bottom in Strawberry.

Breyers New! Smart! with DHA Omega-3 All natural "Boost Your Brain" low-fat yogurt in Mixed Berry.

Stonyfield almost got disqualified for bribing the Academy with a free book offer under the lid. The fruit on the bottom is not a plus when the top layer is so awful. The yogurt was like slimy fat, so it was entirely up to the fruit. Breyers spit at me when I opened it, in protest of awards ceremonies (how Woody Allen). The initial taste pre-stirring was gritty (secret ingredient=sand?), and I thought it might go bad while I ate it. I can only assume DHA and Omega-3 means steroids. The berry taste was closer to sunscreen than fruit. Stonyfield gets the award. Breyers should stick with ice cream.

The nominations for Inappropriately Tropical like a Chimp in a Movie are:

Yoplait original 99% fat-free in Guava

Yoplait original 99% fat-free in Passion Fruit

This is like two actors in the same family. But not Alec Baldwin vs. Billy Baldwin. More like Stephen Baldwin vs. Rehab McLooney Tunes Baldwin. Let it be known that natural Guava tastes like an armpit. That being said, this yogurt matched it perfectly. The lid lick reaction for the Passion Fruit: yuck. It tastes no different from the Guava. All tropical fruits must taste the same. Except Passion Fruit has slightly more of a pepper kick. Followed by a hint of pineapple. When I went back to the Guava, it tasted like roasted turkey and gravy. Yoplait is the quality of Morgan Freeman, and these flavors are like The Bucket List. But Passion Fruit wins.

The nominations for Higher Fat Content And Higher Cost Due To Being Foreign are:

Fage Total All-natural Greek Strained Yogurt with Strawberry

Chobani All-natural Greek Yogurt Non-fat in Strawberry

First of all, Fage is WITH Strawberry as in, the strawberry is on the side, and not in the cup. They're that proud of their plain, white, hard-packed yogurt. I liken the taste to underwear, and the sweet strawberries to a nice balancing Febreeze. Even so, the heavier cream makes it taste more like a dessert than a punishment. Chobani somehow manages to be thicker and Greekier. Is that a hint of goat cheese? It was chalky too. The white part was not as tart, and the sweet part not as sweet. Fage takes this one, because of the cockiness, the awfulness, and then the winning ending. Like Little Miss Sunshine.

The nominations for Someone Got Drunk And Dropped A Piece Of Fruit In By Accident are:

La Yogurt Probiotic Light Zero Fat in Pomegranate Berry Medley

Emmi Swiss Premium Low-fat yogurt with other natural flavors 1.5% milkfat Original Swiss Recipe in Pink Grapefruit

With its foil lid and skinny shape, La Yogurt is like Yoplait. Kind of the way Tilda Swinton resembles Cate Blanchett. Pre-mixed, for my convenience, it tastes like mixed berries and Nutrisweet. I can only guess that Probiotic means I will spend the rest of the evening with impeccable regularity. Emmi provides actual pieces of grapefruit in the first bite! They're yellow and not pink, but I am still impressed. The acidic fruit beats out the tart cream. In fact, the creamy part is probably made sweeter than most to deal with the fruit's sour poison. I happen to like grapefruit and wish it were this easy to peel and eat one. Premium indeed! Pomegranate is upset, but it loses for not trying to wow me and hiding behind the berries. Grapefruit wins!

Best Yogurt award goes to no yogurt at all. Halfway through trying these, my pizza was ready and I wanted to pay attention to the television. Rating plastic cups of active cultures suddenly became a chore and I was getting too full for cookies. I put the lids back on and kept them in the fridge. One by one, throughout the week I ate them, in remembrance of the night that I will never tell another living soul about for fear of being judged and ridiculed.


Anonymous said...

That's a lot of yoghurt!


Suzanne said...

This is a most impressive and hilarious endeavor.

Abbi said...

Man Falling: Welcome to my blog! This review is nothing compared to the average French child's weekly "dessert" intake.

Suzanne: Thanks! It's like a condensed version of your blog. Pun intended. If yogurt can be condensed.

LLanham said...

LOL! What is your next gastronomic endeavor?