Theory of Douchebaggery

Has anyone ever pegged you for a Type A or Type B personality? Did you respond by telling them you are not interested in donating blood?

According to Wikipedia identifying Type A and B personalities helps you to know if you're dealing with a real hangnail or someone that is abnormally laid back. Either way, if someone tries to guess your type, it usually follows a moment when you've annoyed them severely. Where did this terminology come from? It's a theory based on scientific evidence. Like all theories based on scientific evidence, it will become inconsequential with the Apocalypse. But until that fiery day is upon us, here is some insight into who you are.

Type Ass - These individuals can be described as "impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about their status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation." Also categorized as "high achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays", they often consider themselves "stress junkies."

Type Bro - individuals, in contrast, who are described as "patient, relaxed, and easy-going."

I like to relax, and I think of myself as easygoing, but I share more characteristics with Type Ass. Perhaps this is because its description encompasses more adjectives than the latter type. Type Bros like to have a good time more than socially acceptable. Think Matthew McConaughey.

I would like to amend the theory, immediately casting aside Type A/B which describes people who have both characteristics (also known as a cop-out) and make it more tailored to the people who don't fall in either A or B. I give you Types C, D, and E.

Type Crusty - The fabric of society pre-occupied with themselves to the point of grossing you out. They spit in your path, they smoke in line next to you, they make out with each other in tight public spaces.

Type Dentist - Individuals who enjoy working on your teeth and breathing down your nostrils. They ask you questions when you are unable to talk and leave the sucking straw machine in the corner of your mouth too long.

Type EverybodyLovesRaymond - The demographic that allows for reruns to happen. They have an ungodly amount of patience when it comes to watching sitcoms, listening to children tell stories, and clipping cartoons from Reader's Digest. They keep hard candy in a glass bowl in their living room.

So which kind of waste of space are you?

Forward-Thinking

You have 6 minutes to read this post, print it out and send it to ten trash cans.

The following e-mailed message is dubbed, "mighty fine advice", in which the author warns that if I do not send it out I will get, "a very unpleasant surprise". I didn't send it. I don't want to say she was right, but when I did laundry later, my dish towels came out slightly damp.

On a scale of one to ten, one being "plastic surgery will make you feel empowered!" and ten being, "don't cut off your nose to spite your face" this stuff is about a two.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

I often give long-winded answers on Monday mornings describing exactly how I'm doing. I do it cheerfully because I know people will avoid me afterwards.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

First you will have to find a man-slash-woman. The drag queen's conversational skills do not improve with age as much as the makeup tips.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.

That's three things in one, Cheater. But I won't take this seriously, go to Vegas or doze off on the job ANYmore.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

But if you ever say, "I'm sorry I loved you" do it by e-mail.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

That way you'll probably turn 18 by the wedding day.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

...so that the Gap has a reason to re-invent jeans.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream.

All babies talk in my dreams. They give profound speeches while wearing diapers. Sometimes they're wearing glasses.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only
way to live life completely.

You can also love like a crazy person. It's the only way to hurt someone before they hurt you.

TEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

Do judge their relatives by their hair style and choice of beer.

ELEVEN. Talk slowly but think quickly.

So you can always be bored with yourself.

TWELVE. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

Bite your finger and laugh until they walk away.

THIRTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

Do you NOT care that their soul is escaping?!

FOURTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

The lesson being that you are not a winner. Because you might actually try to enter a beat box competition again.

FIFTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
and responsibility for all your actions.

Respect, Respect and Responsibility...let's add Rinse and Repeat for an even six.

SIXTEEN. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.

Chew gum too. The caller will hear it in his nightmares.

Benvenuti a Brooklyn

For Marina, the Italian tourist I met riding the R who was looking for “the best part of Brooklyn…the part where people break dance in the street”.

I know the best part of Brooklyn for bodegas without cat hair, the best part for beaches without broken glass, and for stoop sales without crazy old women (there are only two). As for public break dancing…I had to send her back to Times Square where the Michael Jacksons (big and small) put on an underground show.

This guy’s from the UK, but if he ever came here, he’d have to deal with Ozone…

"Man, don't make me take out my feather earring."

Top Six Foods That Make Life Better

In response to a recent msn.com article that showcases the top six foods that reduce the risk of getting cancer (and also have other health benefits), I am posting the other six unsung heroes that get us through our daily lives.

Sure the pomegranate may look enticing, but my tongue has TASTEbuds, not ANTI-OXIDANTbuds. When I want something fruity and ruby-colored, I reach for a red Fruit Roll-up. It's chewy, its peel comes off easier (plastic), and best of all, no seeds.


The kiwi fruit is celebrated for "lowering blood clot risk", but I find that ironic considering my lips bleed every time I kiss one. That thing has a five o'clock shadow that says, "Back off! I'm not into you!" Listen people, when I want something fruity and emerald-colored, I reach for a green Fruit Roll-up. But you probably knew that.


Barley made the list. Brown, boring, I-can't-play-because-it-might-aggravate-my-asthma barley. Apparently it decreases your blood sugar and insulin levels, but it does NOTHING for a salad. In fact, it will put you off salad for life (remember in Lost Boys? "You're eating maggots Michael. How do they taste?") My wheat-based alternative? Bac'n Bits. They're essentially pork-flavored Grape Nuts, and they can be sprinkled on mac n cheese, tater salad, and actual bacon. Which is more than I can say for barley.

The cranberry eradicates E.Coli and helps prevent strokes. But you have to dry the thing beyond recognition to get it to taste good. Then you have to call it a craisin so people think of raisins instead of what it really is. My alternative to cranberries: Anything that's not a cranberry.

Together with certain enzymes, broccoli sprouts kill cancer cells or keep them from growing. That's pretty impressive, but if I had to rank tiny green vegetables, it would still fall way beneath chives. The green specs on my potato chip that tell me I can relax and enjoy Girlfriends, because they'll take over from here. So tasty.

While Kefir helps reduce food allergies, it is sour milk, and a drink--not a food. So I thought I would promote my drink of choice. I sip it throughout the day, and it provides me with all of the minerals I need. It is office fountain water. It helps boost my immunity to various airborne diseases and eavesdrop on what's going on in the ladies' room. Fountains are next to bathrooms by sheer coincidence. Just because the water pressure goes down every time someone flushes it doesn't mean toilets and fountains are linked. Just shut up!


Here's to a long and happy life of wondering why you're so tired all the time and how come arms get flab where the tricep used to be.

Men In Comedy: Stand Up and Be Heard!

I love hearing about how men are doing in the comedy business. But I wish they weren't so marginalized. I mean, it's so rare to see a show actually featuring a dude without it being clogged up by the masses of women, children and monkies who are just handed stage time. I hate how whenever I want to hear about a specific male comic it's always in some MEN-comedy related article. HELLO! Men are people, just like women. What's with the classification? It's always just understood that when you say "comedy" you mean women, but for guys you have to clarify.

But let's be honest gentlemen, inherently you aren't that funny. Your natural inclination is to speak about topics noone cares to hear. Boys, if you want to get noticed a little more, why don't you try being VULGAR for once? Simulate getting it on or something. Use the microphone as a prop even! Surely, you can think of a body part that it symbolizes? I can. But that's because I'm a woman. No one has more insight into this situation than fellow comedian (and I do mean fellow) Carolyn Castiglia in her post.

New and Improved!

I like to watch infomercials and guess how the product will fail for the person who buys it. What are they not telling us? Some holes are obvious, like an egg-slicer. One minute into watching it work reminds you a knife is easier to use and clean. But some are harder to figure out, like The Magic Bullet. “In one…two…three…easy seconds you can have fresh salsa! Serve it from the bowl used to chop. Put another bowl on The Magic Bullet, and in one…two…three…easy…really…quick…seconds you can have banana puree!” Sure, there’s the obvious: it takes longer to work than the actors suggest. Here’s what they all ignore: if you make a meal in the five-minute demo time, all of your banana puree will taste like garlic and onions. On the infomercial, they never rinse the blade in between!

Here are my questions:
Why aren’t you cleaning the blender in front of me? Maybe it is deadly to the touch. I like how you remind me that it’s dishwasher safe, but now I have to make dinner in three wash and rinse cycles. Looks like the guacamole is gonna take a few hours, kids!
Who needs banana puree? If I’m in the store buying ripe bananas, I might as well reach for the Gerber.
What’s with the name? The Magic Bullet takes historical conspiracy lemons and makes lemonade! In three easy seconds!

The funny thing is they actually have a page of FAQs. Forget about the answers they provide that all end in “…following these instructions, it’s a snap!” The questions themselves are indication enough that the product doth stink--especially if they are asked frequently.

I hold all infomercials to the Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator standard. The product that ensorcelled me as a kid and taught me how to finally save money on all that beef jerky I buy weekly. What’s your favorite? My friend A.L. writes:

I always like the one about knives. They always have a stereotypical Caucasian house wife, smiling like Vanna White brandishing the sharpest knives of all time, cutting ‘tomato cans as easily as a tomato’ and I think a) why would she need knives that sharp? b) this is the reason why serial killers only exist in the US and c) why did Uma Thurman have to go to Japan to have her Samurai Sword hand made, when she could have gotten a whole set for only 3 easy payments of $19.99?

Virginia Monologues

I for one do NOT support these teens who got suspended for being insubordinate, and I am quite distressed about an America that is so quick to pat them on the back. At a recent talent show, they weren't allowed to mention a certain private part that may or may not exist on the female body.

There is a reason we don’t talk about such matters in public, and that reason is that no one likes a show-off. If they want to brag about knowing where babies come from they should just change the name to the Stork Monologues so we’re all in the loop. Don’t use confusing and vulgar vernacular that has not been approved by Webster’s Dictionary. And don’t tell me censorship is why my mama ripped that page out, because I know good and well that 582 is an unlucky number and probably missing from most novels. You know what happens on p. 582 of the Grapes of Wrath? They all die!

Bravo to the principal! Teachers are the appointed brain-molders, and they have a reputation to uphold. When I was a kid you know what we couldn't say on stage? Sandwich. Because the cafeteria didn't serve them, and the administration thought it might turn kids off of the daily chicken fried steak.

Don't these girls understand the art of suggestion? At least Prince had the dignity to use a guitar handle. Their choice to use the anatomical slur is backwards. Ladies, if you’re above euphemisms, why don’t you just describe it by its physicality like, “that area I am sure is somewhere below my belly button but above my knees that includes but is not limited to my bladder”.

I mean what's next? Monologues about wacky tabacky?

Make the Grade

This is how I got into college.

Abbi Crutchfield
U.S. History pd. 3
10-7-98

1. The Articles of Confederation were written to unite the South. They were an attempt to keep slavery in the United States. But Mr. Johnson is the coolest teacher in the world.

2. Foreign relations problems for U.S. were getting goods from their dearly departed Britain, maintaining peace w/ the French, and covering finances after the Revolutionary War. With all of this going on the United States still realized that Mr. Johnson is forgiving and will not count this quiz as important because he is the coolest teacher.

3. The Northwest Ordinance of 1787 was written (and or signed) by George Washington. It was a document that stated all land West of the Appalachains belonged to the fuzzy pink monkeys that sing the alphabet backwards. Even though Mr. Johnson had not been born yet it was still forseen that he would one day (October 7, 1998 to be exact) be the coolest teacher in the world.

Thanks, George B., for discovering this in your archives. I'm gonna catch up on lost knowledge and watch National Treasure.

When I'm Wrong I Say I'm Wrong

The other day I voluntarily edited a friend's work and informed him that he used the abbreviation e.g. when he meant to write i.e. I explained to him, "I.e. is Latin for id est which means 'that is to say', and e.g. is Latin for err go which means 'for example'..." I then patted him on the head and went back to smoking my pipe.

Answers.com, insolent site that it is, said I was not only mistaken about the Latin, but about so many parts of the definition that it is amazing I wound up at the correct conclusion.
1.Id est means "that is". Years ago I must have added, "...to say" because it has a nice ring to it. In related news, the song Kiss From a Rose sounds better if Seal says, "To me you're like a word the dictionary can't define," and not, "To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny." Id est I give you. Wrong lyrics are a matter of taste.
2.E.g. stands for exempli gratia, which translates into for the sake of example.
3.Ergo is not two words.
4.Ergo means consequently or therefore.
5.Ergo is not spelled Err Go. To err (go) is human.

While I'm coming clean, I seem to enjoy making fun of people who eat Grape Nuts, but the truth is I love Grape Nuts. I own a box. I like the way they taste with bananas. I eat them because it reminds me of how I used to want to be just like my mom. She let me add a spoonful of sugar to them so I could stand it. Then one day I didn't need sugar anymore. On that day, I became a woman.

The truth shall set you free--i.e., make you feel good--when you carry a heavy burden, e.g., guilt, shame, Grape Nuts.