Top Six Foods That Make Life Better

In response to a recent msn.com article that showcases the top six foods that reduce the risk of getting cancer (and also have other health benefits), I am posting the other six unsung heroes that get us through our daily lives.

Sure the pomegranate may look enticing, but my tongue has TASTEbuds, not ANTI-OXIDANTbuds. When I want something fruity and ruby-colored, I reach for a red Fruit Roll-up. It's chewy, its peel comes off easier (plastic), and best of all, no seeds.


The kiwi fruit is celebrated for "lowering blood clot risk", but I find that ironic considering my lips bleed every time I kiss one. That thing has a five o'clock shadow that says, "Back off! I'm not into you!" Listen people, when I want something fruity and emerald-colored, I reach for a green Fruit Roll-up. But you probably knew that.


Barley made the list. Brown, boring, I-can't-play-because-it-might-aggravate-my-asthma barley. Apparently it decreases your blood sugar and insulin levels, but it does NOTHING for a salad. In fact, it will put you off salad for life (remember in Lost Boys? "You're eating maggots Michael. How do they taste?") My wheat-based alternative? Bac'n Bits. They're essentially pork-flavored Grape Nuts, and they can be sprinkled on mac n cheese, tater salad, and actual bacon. Which is more than I can say for barley.

The cranberry eradicates E.Coli and helps prevent strokes. But you have to dry the thing beyond recognition to get it to taste good. Then you have to call it a craisin so people think of raisins instead of what it really is. My alternative to cranberries: Anything that's not a cranberry.

Together with certain enzymes, broccoli sprouts kill cancer cells or keep them from growing. That's pretty impressive, but if I had to rank tiny green vegetables, it would still fall way beneath chives. The green specs on my potato chip that tell me I can relax and enjoy Girlfriends, because they'll take over from here. So tasty.

While Kefir helps reduce food allergies, it is sour milk, and a drink--not a food. So I thought I would promote my drink of choice. I sip it throughout the day, and it provides me with all of the minerals I need. It is office fountain water. It helps boost my immunity to various airborne diseases and eavesdrop on what's going on in the ladies' room. Fountains are next to bathrooms by sheer coincidence. Just because the water pressure goes down every time someone flushes it doesn't mean toilets and fountains are linked. Just shut up!


Here's to a long and happy life of wondering why you're so tired all the time and how come arms get flab where the tricep used to be.