Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Sitting Down with the N-word

For months, James Lipton, Barbara Walters, and Oprah Winfrey have all been vying for an exclusive interview with America’s hottest taboo word. Considering himself available to all kinds of people, The N-word granted a simultaneous interview on May 1, 2007. Curly Comedy brings the transcript of that interview, as the decision on whether and when to air the televised event is pending the approval of the same committee that vetoed O.J.’s book promotion.

James Lipton: Mr. N-word--

N-word: You can call me nig**r.

Lipton: No…I can’t. Literary greats like Mark Twain and Charles Dickens used your name in their acclaimed novels…and yet, today, politicians, parents and Paul Mooney are calling for your abolishment. Why are you so unpopular?

N-word: I’d say I’m very popular. This is my time! I’m in the news, I’m at comedy clubs, I’m in all the good music. I unite people both for me and against.

Barbara Walters: But life has been hard for you, hasn’t it?

N-word: You are not going to make me cry, Barbara. (Takes a moment). Whew. Yeah, I guess you could say I had it rough. For a while only white people supported me, but I knew I was more versatile than that. Then the black community finally came around. I tell you, they’re REALLY making up for lost time.

Walters: You haven’t been continuously popular with blacks.

N-word: I had a pretty bad set-back with Richard Pryor going to Africa and all. I’ve had to change the way I spell my name just to remind people of how fun I am to sing and how important I am for communication. Like, you know what you say when you want to tell someone about what a good friend you have? You say, “That’s my—

Lipton: Male partner?

N-word: No.

Walters: Make-up artist?

N-word: No.

Lipton: Oh, I know. Dawg?

Walters: Bro-cheezy?

Lipton: Homey-Dawg?

Oprah: N***A! You say, “That’s my n***a” for crying out loud. Look. You have done nothing in the past decades but divide people and oppress them. You hide behind the pretext of camaraderie but you continue to desecrate a culture. You are an affront to education and self-respect! You were born at an ugly time in history, and you should have ended when it did.

N-word: Is this about the time I couldn’t come to your Gala?

Lipton: With all due respect, Ms. Winfrey, slavery may be over, but racism is still alive.

N-word: Here here!

Lipton: I’m not condoning it.

N-word: Oh.

Barbara: I'm with James on this one. I hardly think that the N-word is responsible for the continuation of racism in society. What about ch**k and k**e and w*p and b****r or stupid m*****n?

N-word: How do you know about them?

Barbara: They’re all a part of my housekeeping staff. Except for k**e. He’s my accountant.

Oprah: We haven’t even begun to discuss the stereotypical implications.

N-word: Well, we gotta finish this up, because I’m late for a rap video.

Walters: In ten years, where do you see yourself?

N-word: On billboards. After I'm done being condemned, I’ll be prohibited, I’ll be forgotten, and then later remembered as funny. I’ll be HUGE.

Lipton: If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

N-word: Sorry they don’t need you down there anymore. Meet skadoo and manna and American Idol.

Oprah: You’re a rotten son of a b****.

B-word: Did somebody call me?


Matt said...

Compelling interview. Congrats to all involved.

It helped me laugh through the pain of being called a "sausage-head" by my friend Eden. Which he insists is a racial slur aimed at my Portuguese heritage. That stupid Dutch p***k.

Abbi said...

Maybe he was just trying to tell you that you smell like brown mustard.

mensa man said...

Punk isn't a swear word, so you don't have to censor it. It also isn't spelled with two n's.

Crutch said...

What is Mensa Man talking about? Was the reference really Dutch Punk?

Nice...can you explain skadoo and manna for us non-witty folk?

I think your next project should be identifying all the offensive stereotypes used in television commercials (more offensive than shock jock losers b/c this stuff is so subtle)...I just saw one for from around the world rush to tell their siblings in their native language that "Dad is making dinner" and it turns out that he's bringing home McDonald's. What, dads can't cook? WTF?

Abbi said...

Skadoo is part of an old expression, "23 skaddo!" which means, "Scram! Beat it! Get lost!" You say it to paperboys, street rats, peeping toms and other various ragamuffins.

No one knows what Manna looks like, but I pretend it's white cantaloupe.

I think MM is mistaken about what Matt is trying to say. He probably means, "Dutch ptluk". Which is short for pot-luck, a slur for "crappy dinner-maker". Speaking of which, I think McDonalds was talking about Deadbeat Dads.

I'm still investigating why MAMA'S got the magic of Clorox, and only choosy MOMS choose Jif.

Matt said...

it should read Dutch puunk.

Abbi said...

Thank you for that clarification. I've never been good at wheel of fortune.

mensa man said...

Me neither.