Monday, May 14, 2007

Starbucks to Humans: Comply

Love it or hate it, Starbucks have been planted around the U.S. to spy on innocent civilians, suck their brains out and return them to the world as automatons.

I got my own cup of "Fourbucks" (as my friend calls it, since that's how much you spend each time you go) just to delight in their series of real-people quotations called, "The Way I See It".

The Way I See It #253
A mature person is one who can say: My parents may have made some mistakes raising me, but they did the best they could: now it's up to me.
Shannon from Ann Arbor, MI

Then I noticed the bizarre disclaimer at the bottom:
This is the author's opinion, not necessarily that of Starbucks.

Maybe Starbucks is embarrassed by Shannon's overzealous use of colons. Maybe Starbucks still resents its parents and isn't ready to forgive. Whatever the reason for the proviso, why invite people to share their wisdom only to discredit it instantly? Then they go on to brag about their environmental impact:

First-ever 10% post-consumer fiber cup
60% post-consumer fiber sleeve

Ooh, a whopping TEN percent in the cup? Must be what lines the inside, and that's why my drink tastes like garbage once it's cold. Just how much post-consumer fiber is in your plastic lid?

The Way I See It #387
Starbucks planted a microchip in your eyeball to make you think it is acceptable to see identical coffee shops existing across the street from one another. Their drinks contain a chemical compound that serves to both block the fight or flight response, keeping you at your cubicle and also numbs your ears to light rock.

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