Great Minds

I have a joke I tell based on fearing judgment for marrying a white person. I worry about scrutiny my future kids will be under for being different and whether or not they will identify with the black race if they don't look conventionally black. I told it during an audition for NBC's Stand Up for Diversity showcase:

I am afraid of the stigma that comes with having mixed kids. I feel like if I am ever walking down the street with my child in a stroller I'm going to have to wear a shirt that says, "NOT the Nanny".

A fellow auditioner who advanced to the showcase, Yvonne Orji (follow her on Twitter) asked me if I knew the woman who already made those shirts. My jaw dropped. "Those shirts are REAL?!" I asked. She said she was pretty sure she had seen them online. So much for selling it as merchandise after a show. So much for my fans wearing them to my book signings. I did something every cautious comic does: I Googled. Just how prevalent is this concept?

From a blog called "Not the Nanny":

On Friday my posts also appear as an online column for Time Out New York Kids. Visit them at Time Out New York Kids for more city-specific parenting tips and diversions. The regular column is called Not the Nanny, which pretty much answers the crazy looks I sometimes receive when I'm out and about with my rosy-cheeked son.

Wow. So the paranoia is widespread. People DO give looks. But do they judge?

From another blog called, "I'm Not the Nanny":

As the mom of biracial children, I've been mistaken for the nanny, depending on which DC Metro park I visit. That's an entire blog post on its own!

My fear is realized; it really happens! But are there t-shirts?



Sort of. These can be found on zazzle.com and they have the sassy wit of the "Maxine" series of Hallmark cards. They're not social commentary so much as gifts for a Yankee Swap.

I could technically still use the line from my joke with the actual emphasis included in the delivery, "I am NOT the nanny!", couldn't I?



Nope. Nightshade Creations has my number on CafePress.com.

Tired of being mistaken for the nanny just because your kids look exactly like their father? Make it clear with humor!

It is good to know that my ideas are out there, albeit birthed from other brains. The concept doesn't become any less true for me, but it does dilute its potency and potential to make people laugh. Gotta keep my nose to the grind stone.

I almost labeled this post under "You Can't Make This Stuff Up". Because you can't...without someone else thinking of it too.

Related: Shecky Magazine on parallel development.

Blackface the Facts

When is it okay to wear blackface? Some might say, "Never". Those people are Reverend Al Sharpton. Blackface the facts, people. It is acceptable for people to impersonate black people. Specifically in these scenarios:



When you're already black.



When the woman cast as your African-American leading lady is the daughter of Tommy Chong, making her black, white, Asian and therefore, better at this than you are.



When drug abuse goes from being subconsciously linked to the culture to outwardly synonymous with your name.



When you remain completely unaware of how black people perceive you. Like even 20 years later when you rip off Chris Rock in a comedy club.



When you want your adopted African daughter to bond with you.

Michelle Obama's 3rd Weekly Address

The First Lady wastes no time in sharing her feelings on the controversial cartoon in the New York Post. Using the White House Resurrecting Chamber, she invites an old favorite personality to give his two cents.

2/24/09: Michelle Obama's Weekly Address - watch more funny videos

Don't forget to vote it FUNNY when it's done, and then share it with your friends who love Hollywood Squares.

Shockers in History

Aunt Jemima was not always the woman we know and love today.



If you grew up in the 1980s (when families were too busy to make pancakes from scratch but could not yet fathom an invention as practical as the frozen Eggo waffle), then you remember her with a bandana. My private Internet investigative skills have led me to stumble onto a few more discoveries.

Before then she actually weighed a little more too.



Also, she used to be a man.



It was Danny Glover's first gig.

This is neither the time nor the place to point out that butter never goes on AFTER syrup (and most certainly not in a tiny, unspreadable square), so I will leave that for another blog and when I am less hungry, i.e. when the need to make pancakes is not blinding me.    I would, however, like to address a disturbing piece of information that has surfaced.

In an excerpt from a blog by Moss Kendrix:

Aunt Jemima was created at the end of the 1880s in Missouri, when Chris L. Rutt and Charles G. Underwood invented an instant pancake flour. Rutt created the trademark after a visit to the theater in 1889, where he saw minstrels in black face, aprons, and red bandanas performing a tune called, "Old Aunt Jemima." The song, very popular in its day, inspired Rutt to use the same image as the company logo.

Assuming that this is true, that Aunt Jemima is not a person at all, and that I have been telling rumors about Mrs. Butterworth to an imaginary confidante, then I would like to call her visual change into question. First of all, I have never heard of any chef that loses weight over time. Secondly, I don't know anyone whose aunt has hair like Mary Jenkins from 227. Marla Gibbs doesn't even wear that wig anymore. The bandana is fine. I wear bandanas. It's the name that needs work. People stopped naming their children Jemima right around the time they stopped bustin' up chiffarobes.

As for her race...well, I don't know any race or culture that should claim to be pancake experts. The Chinese make them too savory, the Indian too airy, the French too flat. Change her into an innocuous piece of fruit, call her Aunt Wanda and tell her to get it together, Baby!

Little known fact, the shampoo Phytojoba



was originally called Fight a Hobo.

Learn more about our black commercial icons on Moss Kendrix's blog here.

Race Relations

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. day!

Sara Benincasa is a part of the 2008 MTV News Choose or Lose Street Team, and last week she interviewed us and asked about what life is like in an interracial relationship.



Instead of listening to our carefully rehearsed, politically correct and socially sensitive answers, she decided to ask one of the many wig heads I keep in my apartment.



Of all of the things I pretend are my children, this one is the one I consider closest to our hearts. He has curly hair like me and blonde hair like some distant, Nordic relative of Luke's. Like both of us, he has dry skin, and he's made of styrofoam so he's irreplaceable.

Is This Racist?

I am trying to heighten my bias awareness, to the point of being sensitive about magazine cartoons. Even if they come from magazines founded by black women.




Here is a question about a popular holiday topic (Re-Gifting Etiquette) accompanied by a cartoon that depicts the situation.

Why is the woman with the buying power Asian? Why is the employer of the dog walker white? Most importantly, why is the dog walker shorter and heavier--and why does she have curly hair, wear ridiculously large sunglasses and have a cheesy grin?

Her hat says, "Italia". Is she Italian? She seems to bear features of a darker-skinned culture. Is it a souvenir from her last employer's trip to Italy? It can't be the gift in question because that would be the outdated, black frock the white woman is holding.

I guess you could call this classist instead of racist, but I can't ignore the stark differences in appearance among the women. The artist chose to employ diversity among her/his subjects in the worst way.

Question: What should you do when you give someone a present and they immediately ask, "Did you get a receipt?" or "Gee, that's not really my color--do you mind if I give it to my dog walker?"

Answer: You look to the ground with shame, for you have dishonored your culture, Asian woman! You have several options: you may do her nails, teach her how to use chopsticks or offer for your son to fix her computer. She may have a gym membership, but her hairstyle says Socialite, so instead of encouraging her anorexic side, why don't you appeal to her vanity and compliment her Harry Winston earrings? As for you, Dog walker, keep being sassy you playful, lovable, old confidante!

Discrimi-hate

People Haters! Mount up!

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon
Abbi C was checkin’ mail, trying to make room
For booking requests, but none comin’ in…
I turns to the ‘Net and reads the MSN.

(Nate Dogg)
Hit the Lower East Side of the NYC
On a mission trying to find Ms. Abbi C
Stoppin’ off at the Sunshine Bakery.
For some smooth butter cream cupcakery.

(Me)
So I took a listen to the man named Chapman.
His show is off the air and I said "What happened?”
He slurs on the phone—it’s all messed up
Enquirer caught it all and he said, "I'm stuck."

(Nate)
See these girls peepin’ me all skinny and white
Askin’ would I like to see a funny show tonight.
My girl Abbi’s on the phone talking bout some racists.
Got a blue-red decision like I’m in the Matrix.

(Me)
I'm gettin mad, I'm on my cell phone
I can't believe Nate is takin’ this long.
Another celeb hates my race and my sex.
I grabbed my computer, said, "Damn, who’s next?"

(Nate)
I like live comedy but it’s starting to sour
Cuz it’s twenty-two people on the Amateur Hour.
I gotta get to Brooklyn before Abbi’s mean
Plus all the jokes tonight are “Girls and Halloween.”

(Me)
Bounty Hunter’s callin’ blacks
The “F’n N-word”
Letting it loose like a dog lays turds.
But I shouldn’t be surprised
That there’s a race he hates.
I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate.

(Nate)
I’m here in the Slope tryin to get the news
But I’m interrupted by some Jesus-lovin’ Jews.
I knock ‘em out and realize just a tad bit late:
Nate Dogg and Bounty H both discrimi-hate.

We share the same name!
It makes my head explode...
Now I'm switching my mind back into peace mode.
If you want to make amends sit back and observe
I just left evangelists over there on the curb.

(Me)
Now Nate’s collecting pamphlets
And shaking their hands
And dusting off their vests and corduroy pants.

Own up, own up, cause it's wrong...
N-A-T-E and me
the Abbi to the C.

(Nate)
Just like I thought
they were in the same spot
still spreading the word.
the Nate Dogg and the A-child
don’t judge what we heard.
We went to grab dinner at Willie’s Dawgs
I said "Challah bun for me."
And then Abbi said "that’s a Jewish bread”
We can live in harmony.

I got a belly full of food and I’m feelin all right
I wonder what Michael Richards is doing tonight...

(Me)
I'm speaking
about a whole new era:
People
loving folks.
I dare ya.
Progressive
on a whole new level...

(Nate)
the rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble!

(Me)
Words
Jerks
We tired of
Celebrity
Shut up
When your job is your life
your life’s on Access Hollywood.

(Nate)
If you know like I know
you don't wanna talk like this.
In the information era
you’ll get caught for your thoughts like this.
if you joke like she jokes
then you laugh like everyday.
but if you hate behind closed doors
then soon it’s gon’ be caught on tape.

Sitting Down with the N-word

For months, James Lipton, Barbara Walters, and Oprah Winfrey have all been vying for an exclusive interview with America’s hottest taboo word. Considering himself available to all kinds of people, The N-word granted a simultaneous interview on May 1, 2007. Curly Comedy brings the transcript of that interview, as the decision on whether and when to air the televised event is pending the approval of the same committee that vetoed O.J.’s book promotion.

James Lipton: Mr. N-word--

N-word: You can call me nig**r.

Lipton: No…I can’t. Literary greats like Mark Twain and Charles Dickens used your name in their acclaimed novels…and yet, today, politicians, parents and Paul Mooney are calling for your abolishment. Why are you so unpopular?

N-word: I’d say I’m very popular. This is my time! I’m in the news, I’m at comedy clubs, I’m in all the good music. I unite people both for me and against.


Barbara Walters: But life has been hard for you, hasn’t it?

N-word: You are not going to make me cry, Barbara. (Takes a moment). Whew. Yeah, I guess you could say I had it rough. For a while only white people supported me, but I knew I was more versatile than that. Then the black community finally came around. I tell you, they’re REALLY making up for lost time.

Walters: You haven’t been continuously popular with blacks.

N-word: Well..no. I had a pretty bad set-back with Richard Pryor going to Africa and all. I’ve had to change the way I spell my name just to remind people of how fun I am to sing and how important I am for communication. Like, you know what you say when you want to tell someone about what a good friend you have? You say, “That’s my—

Lipton: Male partner?

N-word: No.


Walters: Make-up artist?

N-word: No.

Lipton: Oh, I know. Dawg?


Walters: Bro-cheezy?

Lipton: Homey-Dawg?

Oprah: N***A! You say, “That’s my n***a” for crying out loud. Look. You have done nothing in the past decades but divide people and oppress them. You hide behind the pretext of camaraderie but you continue to desecrate a culture. You are an affront to education and self-respect! You were born at an ugly time in history, and you should have ended when it did.

N-word: Is this about the time I couldn’t come to your Gala?

Lipton: With all due respect, Ms. Winfrey, slavery may be over, but racism is still alive.

N-word: Here here!

Lipton: I’m not condoning it.

N-word: Oh.


Barbara: I'm with James on this one. I hardly think that the N-word is responsible for the continuation of racism in society. What about ch**k and k**e and w*p and b****r or stupid m*****n?

N-word: How do you know about them?


Barbara: They’re all a part of my housekeeping staff. Except for k**e. He’s my accountant.

Oprah: We haven’t even begun to discuss the stereotypical implications.

N-word: Well, we gotta finish this up, because I’m late for a rap video.


Walters: In ten years, where do you see yourself?

N-word: On billboards. After I'm done being condemned, I’ll be prohibited, I’ll be forgotten, and then later remembered as funny. I’ll be HUGE.

Lipton: If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

N-word: Sorry they don’t need you down there anymore. Meet skadoo and manna and American Idol.

Oprah: You’re a rotten son of a b****.

B-word: Did somebody call me?

The Original Nappy-headed Hos

We the You People

The radio jock so shocking I’ve never heard of him, Don Imus, is in hot water because he referred to members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team as “nappy-headed hos”. He tried to plead his case on Al Sharpton’s radio show and dug the hole deeper when he said, “I can’t get anywhere with you people”. NO! Not You People! Even Michael Richards knows not to say You People.

I have never said You People in my life. Partly because it’s redundant, but also because I know it’s one of the dumbest ways to refer to a group you’re mad at. HO HUM Mr. Imus. Is that the best you can do?

Now if he had said You Blacks, well that would change things. I only like to be marginalized with other blacks during My History Month or Chocolate Night at my local Comedy Club. You Blow-hards would have been more accurate and funny, because political pundits need to be put in their place. You Maggots—that would have been dastardly macabre. You Wascally Wabbits—diluted but heartfelt. In short, You People is tired, racists. Get creative.

Let’s back it up to the first insult. Even white women can have nappy hair after a long, sweaty game. The real problem with the Rutgers comment is that he calls them hos. Did that ever come up on MISTER Sharpton’s show? Doubt it. All you Rutgers women’s b-ball fans, we need to unite and take a stand! Let’s quit putting women down, guys! What do you say? Guys?… Hey…where are all the guys?

Noose to Me

In this CNN.com article, several employees file suit with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission against their employer--"Willie"--who allegedly hung a noose in the workplace.

Where's Matlock when you need him? The defendant's lawyer blurts, "My client's first marriage for 17 years was to an African-American woman. So I don't think he's racist."

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I give you...

The Top Ten Reasons Willie’s First Marriage Failed

10.He ended conversations with, "I can say that because my wife’s black".



9. Every February he would whine, “How come there’s no White History Month?”




8. He laughed all through Roots.



7. He prefers to work MLK, Jr. Day, “As a matter of principle”.



6. For Halloween parties, he would suggest going as Jefferson and Hemmings




5. When his wife drove, he sat in the back seat.



4. He often referred to his employees as, “Damn dirty apes”.




3. Confederate Flag boxer shorts.



2. He watched Monster’s Ball to get in the mood.



1. 17th Anniversary gag gift: noose necklace.



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