Tuesday, August 29, 2006

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I'm not in school anymore, and so summer vacation doesn't really exist in the three month block that it used to. Some say there is no such thing as summer vacation once you get a nine-to-five. Actually it lasts as long as I feel like putting on sunglasses and ordering Coolattas. It's nearing the middle of September, and even though summer is only a third over, I think it's the right time to reflect on the exciting events of the season.

I finally took the Staten Island ferry to view the Statue of Liberty, and I was going to post of picture of her, but this lumpy-toed bird became the highlight of my day. He strutted with gnarled and arthritic claws and proudly refused the Bayer I offered. Walking the city streets on his knuckles, he is truly the Joseph Merrick of his species and a class act. A class Aves act, to be exact.

In June I launched a wonderful stand-up/sketch show called The Living Room with my boyfriend (and fellow comedian) Luke. Click on the link under "Living It Up" (at right) for a re-cap of the latest show. Dressing up is fun and easy. Growing the moustache is hard.

I did some math to keep my brain sharp. I still can't do Sudoku. This here is one of those equations with multiple answers, bcause snakes plus planes also equals a very tired joke. The sad thing is I used to think this was a suitable way to propose to a person. But then again, I think Cheese Balls are an excellent side dish.

I cat-sat, and he treated me to a good long look at his butthole near every morning. My gift to you.

I saw these three T.V. gents on the street. Stars...they're just like us! They walk hurriedly to restaurants and slow when their names are called. They put their hands in their pockets when they talk. They back away and make dismissive pleasantries when they feel their privacy threatened.

And I made my own Brighton Beach memoirs!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Udderly Fabulous

Still, they're cousins...
Identical cousins and you'll find:
They laugh alike, they walk alike,
At times they even talk alike --
You can lose your mind...
When cousins are two of a kind!

On next week's episode of That's Moos To Me!, Francois and Benny switch places in an attempt to bring their estranged parents closer together. Francois has a cow when told he may not smoke a cigarette during the half-time dunk contest,

and tough guy Benny bites off more than he can chew when he learns there's more to modeling than laughing for the camera.

...Special guest star Colin Hanks stops by with a heavy confession.

Don't miss this two-hour event!
Brought to you by the FOOL channel. "Don't make pun of me!"

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Come and Get Your Love

The raccoon is me, and the camera is your heart. Get over here, America!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The People Of the Future

Husband to Wife: "This is an interesting piece of art."
Wife to Husband: "Yes indeed! It challenges man's curiosity with science; perhaps dangerous genetic results are on the horizon."
H: "What a commentary on media-induced desensitization. Like all the nonsense you hear in comedy clubs. Moral crimes like beastiality become commonplace and lead to a society that turns a blind eye to human-animal unions."
W: "And children are becoming greedy little pigs."
H: "Indeed."
W: "There's just one thing I do not understand."
H: "Yes, Dear?"
W: "Why do the people of the future look like Maury Povitch?"

Monday, August 14, 2006

I'm a Muppet!

I don't know much about Abby Cadabby, but I do know that when Sesame Street creates a character based on you, you don't complain about the color of her hair or that they misspelled your name.

It is truly an honor to share the stage with some of the classic characters of my youth. Most people have to wait until they're famous, and even then, all they get is an action figure of the character they played in a forgettable or highly grossing film. I guess all I had to do is plant an adorable seed in one marionnette expert's imagination and wait. But when did it happen? When did I inadvertently charm someone into creating this puppet?

I like to think that this dates back to age nine when I would stand in grocery store aisles and point my toes like a ballerina hoping to get noticed for commercials (specifically, a ballerina commercial). I thought someone would say, "That girl has more talent and grace than any child I've seen on the New Mickey Mouse Club," and beg my mom to let me move to Orlando and become a star. Clearly this never happened. But lo, my enchanting leaps and animated conversations with Mrs. Butterworth did inspire some idle shopper to record that moment in time, and eventually bring it to life, fifteen years later, on an educational program!

Don't give up your dreams, kids!