Sunday, December 28, 2008

Recession Effects

Welcome everyone! Welcome to the grand opening! Take anything you want. This is our last day.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Wii Are the World

Young white kid gets a Wii:

Old black man gets a Wii:

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Merry Inappropriate Christmas

My latest post on is called "Holiday Party Pooper", about the pressures of buying the right gift for a Yankee Swap.

Fighting with a woman over a small toy at Urban Outfitters is not my idea of a happy holiday—especially when that toy is a dog that shags your laptop when you plug his crotch into a USB port.

Click here to read the whole post. And don't forget to leave some feedback there.

Photo credit:

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

Last weekend I went to a friend's house to attend a cookie-making party. Despite receiving an informative e-mail, I did not know we were baking tasty gifts for others. I thought I was signing up for an All-You-Can-Eat dessert buffet. By the end of the session we had four kinds of cookies, two kinds of fudge and one kind of swirled chocolate-peppermint bark. Then we were handed many colorful gift bags. I took the bags home, for later assembly, as they instructed.

Even though I now grasp the concept of giving the cookies away, I have done nothing but eat them all week long. I don't think there are enough left to make an appropriate gift bag now. What's worse, I told Luke to stay away from them so I could give them away. He hasn't had one yet.

My name is Abbi Crutchfield, and I am the human cookie monster.

Photo credit:

Monday, December 15, 2008

Wish Shoe Were Here

Just a few funny lines I've read online about the shoe incident, before you hear them on late night television:

Bob McCown:
I’m glad they caught the shoe-ter.

Honestly … who throws a shoe?

Mike K:
I’m just wondering where Bush’s bodyguards were. Sure, the first shoe came out of the blue, but they should have been out front by the time the the second one was thrown. If that had been a blunt or sharp object (and the if reporter could throw worth a damn) it could have killed him. I guess the SS was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Brandon C:
Dr. Scholls to the a**hole!

I’ll be FedEx-ing a pair of shoes to the President tomorrow.

The Critic:
I was impressed true that man’s aim was, because standing up and throwing a not-designed-to-be-thrown object like a shoe, under what had to be enormous inner pressure, and throwing two of them with such accuracy. Well, that’s skill, my friends.

This gives the term “shoe bomber” a whole new and hilarious twist.

The fact of the matter is that under Saddam, that Journalist wouldn’t have made it out of the room….and he’s just exercising his new found rights of free expression. Bush should be proud of him.

Ask Abbi: How Could You?

Chris of writes:

How do you feel about becoming an actress in a commercial promoting the consumption of foods high in triglycerides leading to an epidemic of childhood obesity which causes lifelong problems of heart disease and diabeetus in lower income neighborhoods resulting in higher crime rates and other terror related crimes which aims at bringing down the infrastructure of American capitalism by decreasing the liquidity in the credit market which leads to government bailouts using taxpayers' money leading to an inflated deficit which is passed on to our triglyceride-filled children who cannot make it up because they are earning minimum wage at a fast food restaurant which is in turn creating (generation upon generation of) curly haired biracial women who seek job opportunities in promoting the substantiation of the fried fish as a health food?

Thanks for your concern Chris. I was recently invited to participate in a sketch by a friend, and I turned him down. When he asked why, I wrote him a long e-mail on the kind of projects I will accept based on my integrity, the women's liberation movement, and my responsibility as a role model. While the dissertation was not necessary, it did help me realize that auditioning for commercials is ultimately an artistic feed my family.

If my ethics are still in question, I present to you a list of things I would NEVER do for the camera, followed by reasons I probably would do it after all.

1. Smoke to look cool.

Why I'd do it: If the cigarette were fake so as not to damage my lungs nor spark an addiction. Also if there were some redeeming moral lesson in the script to balance out the guilt I'd feel if thousands of kids remembered my character as the reason they first lit up.

2. Appear nude.

Why I'd do it: If the scene were in no way sexy, (like being deloused in a prisoner camp) so that the claim "I did it for the art" really could convince my minister father-in-law.

3. Play a prostitute.

Why I'd do it: Pretty Woman, The Musical.

4. Kiss someone other than my husband.

Why I'd do it: If Luke forgot my birthday.

5. Sell fast food.

Why I'd do it: (rubbing thumb and fingers together as the mafia do to indicate money)

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Photo credit:

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Online Networking Spin-offs

Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?

Who would have ever thought a site called Twitter could take off?

Everyone, that's who, which is why the Internet is brimming with a fleet of copycats who long to find their niche demographic. The most interesting are listed here.

Name: Sitter
Target Users: Nannies who hate kids
Purpose: stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing to my baby?

Name: Quitter
Target Users: underachievers
Purpose: stay connected through the exchange of gloomy, pessimistic answers to one simple question: What are you doing in front of the television?

Name: Glitter
Target Users: Tweens in love with the Jonas Brothers
Purpose: stay connected through the exchange of hyper, misspelled answers to one simple question: What are you doing after we make fun of fat people at the mall?

Name: Splitter
Target Users: headphone-sharing lovers
Purpose: stay connected through the exchange of tech-savvy, darkly poetic answers to one simple question: What are you doing buying non-vegan lattes--I thought we swore off animal fat at our unity retreat after the juice cleanse?

Name: Jitter
Target Users: Actual Target users
Purpose: stay connected through the exchange of middle-class consumerist, irritated parent answers to one simple question: What are you doing in the express lane? Go back! Get more! And find your kid!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Senate Seats For Sale! Get Your Senate Seats Here!

With charges of corruption, nepotism, and scalping, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has all the moxy and brains of a referee who bets on games he calls.

Where have I seen that face before? That Flowbee'd head, small-eyed, potato-shaped face with a scowel that says, "I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those nosy kids and that mangy mutt,"?

Monday, December 8, 2008

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty

Had three commercial auditions last week: toothpaste, soup and a phone company. Today was fast food.

"Before we begin, are you sure you're able to eat a fish sandwich?"

Interesting question, but they have to ask it. This is not the time to outwardly reflect on the last time you bought a fish sandwich (out of desperation, when the restaurant was about to close, after they were all out of chicken). They really want to know if you have any allergies or moral objections.

You might as well say it's okay, because you're not eating fish at the audition. You're eating crackers. Since graduating to a call back happens to a select few, it would make more sense to ask actors if they can eat crackers.

I sat down, slated (that means I said my name into the camera), and then I held the crispy round like it was a sandwich. There is no speaking, so the real skill comes in making facial expressions while a voiceover relays my thoughts to the viewer. With the first bite I was meant to indicate surprise. The second, I show that the sandwich was delicious and the third--my total bliss. After the first bite, the cracker was almost gone.

"This time, do it less...hungry. Don't have so much movement to your body." Movement? I hadn't gone anywhere or let go of my snack. Did I flap my elbows too hard? I remember turning my head a lot, looking at the invisible people who coveted my cracker. "Also, don't be so expressive with your eye brows. Keep the emotion from here (below the eyebrow) to here (below the bottom lip)." I wondered if that included my ears.

There was no water to help digest my snack, but I noticed a waste basket. I imagined the smart people who came before me, quickly ridding themselves of cracker dust with one swift, "Ptoo!". I wished I had only fake nibbled as I swallowed a lump of gluey gluten.

"Are you ready yet? How about now? Okay great."

The second take I was frozen solid. I probably looked like Charlie Chaplin moving my eyes from left to right, up, down and around. On the last bite she reminded me to smile. Was I not smiling? Was I frowning? "Our new fish sandwich is so good you'll want to kill somebody."

I walked out feeling about this audition that I did about the last three: nailed it.

Which one will take? The ten thousandth.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Case of the Curious Casting

In a recent post, "Attention Future Hollywood Starlets" I wrote about an auditioning scam where people tell you that you've been picked to star in a Network TV show, but you have to pay money at the screen test.

Maybe I've been reading too much Agatha Christie lately (or maybe all of my British relatives really ARE trying to poison me), but I have a growing suspicion that I'm being had again. After the blog post, I received several similar e-mails.


Who did you email when you got that? because I dont know who to email about location and times... please tell me...!! thanks! ps ur reeally funny! love da hair too!


who did you email when u got that message about the global domestic thingy...i got it to!!
Michaeljacksonmyhero (youtube user)


Hi!I *just* got that same e-mail, and at first I was excited, but then when I re-read the details, I was like, "uhhh, hold up!"My guarantee fee is supposedly $49 - I guess I get a discount compared to your $65 - but everything else was the same.Did you ever contact these people back? I was curious to how it turned out. I'm supposed to "audition" on Sunday.Thanks for your help and info.!

hey this is bernadette, i was reading your blog about the global domestic productions wanting you for a 13 episode tv series? i got the same email! is it legit? should i even bother going to the "audition" even tho, ur right, i supposedly have the part??? very weird, does that agreement really mean they cant pay u?? so confused hit me back girly thanks xoxo

Dear people who created the e-mail scam and who are contacting me under an alias,

Give it up. You are writing me because you want to know how to improve your actor's trap. You want to make sure it sounds authentic enough so that people will give you their money and show up to the audition. My advice: change your cover. Instead of an audition where people pay money, why don't you try diet pills? Or hair replacement infomercials? Or perhaps you should assemble a pop band of young, untalented boys or girls. People will pay you millions just to see them, and it's all perfectly legal.

Just ask Lou Perlman.

Best of luck,


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Games for Adults

This holiday shopping season, Hasbro taps into what adults really want: games that justify their vices!

Has your alcoholism come between you and your friends? Invite them back into your life with a pastime you both can enjoy. Crack open the game that's only fun when you're smashed: Partini!

This deluxe package includes a game cup, coasters, and more so you can enjoy musical humming challenges, molding clay objects, firing balls into a cup, and you know, other stuff that's boring while sober but tolerable when drunk. Guaranteed to "mix up" any party.

But that's not all...

Has your depression led to compulsive hoarding? Amass your piles of newspapers and mountains of laundry with Junka!

In this fast-paced collecting game, build a tower of trash before your friends call an intervention. Each wooden block is labled with and smells like the object it represents. From pizza boxes to carpet squares, phonebooks to cats, this game is guaranteed to "accumulate" fun at any party.

And for the frisky, seasoned gentlemen in your life, we offer Juvenile Pursuit!

Enter our two-dimensional chat room, assume an alias and answer questions in order to score a date with our underage duo, Courtney and Lindsey! Watch out for undercover cops, nagging wives and apprehensive buddies. They just want to send you back to start! Features nickel-plated zinc game pieces shaped as skateboard, french fries, cell phone and tube top. Guaranteed to "assault" boredom at any party.
(Participants must register in an online database before leaving store)