Move over Eva Longoria. I applied to a casting call on Craigslist
"new TV SERIES seeks female ACTRESSES (ny state)",
and one day later, in bold font of various colors, I received this message:
Thanks For Your Interest
In Our New Television Series
Based On Your Qualificatios & Photos,
We've Decided To Award You The Part!
(No way! My qualificaTIOs? Is that Spanish? Ole!)
Congratulations Are In Order.
(I should say so)
Our Legal Team Has Attached Your 13 Episode
(Is this the sharply dressed legal team Dewer, Screwer, and Leaverfordead?)
Print, Read, Bring It And Be Prepared
To Sign It, At Your November 23, 2008 Screen Test.
(Okay, I'll bring a pen. Wait, screen test? I thought I was already cast.)
We've Selected You For The New Series,
(Oh, okay. What a relief.)
Do Not Share, Disclose Or Introduce Any Information
To Other Actresses And Friends.
(Yeah, 'cause they'll just be jealous!)
You Must Create A One Minute
Monologue, Any Subject, Make It Original And Creative,
You Will Perform It On Camera On November 23rd.
(Do I have to wear my clothes?)
After Fully Reading Your Agreement, Send A Reply Email To
Our Casting Division Global Domestic Television Productions For NYC Location And Arrival Time.
(Will do. How come when I Google "Global Domestic Television Productions" nothing comes up? Maybe Google rejects oxymorons like "global-domestic". Faulty search engine.)
(No thank YOU. And now for that agreement.)
(You're now going by "Global Television Domestic Group"? Still yields no results from a Google search. This network must want the show to be top secret!)
(1.1 You say the Producer and Actress may agree upon "Additional Periods" for which the show "15 Minutes of Fame" will last beyond the year-long agreement. I thought networks determined when a show will end. Behold the power of producers and actresses!)
(2.1 Why do you keep calling the show a "photoplay"? And why do you keep referring to my role in the photoplay as "the Actress's services"?)
(6.1 No casual or inadvertent failure by Producer to comply with the provisions in this Agreement or failure due to acts or omission of third parties shall constitute a breach of this Agreement.
So if the Producer forgets to abide by the contract, like forgets to pay me or happens to pay the incorrect amount, I can't sue? Well, I can understand that. If I got sued for every time I forgot my keys on my couch I'd be broke!)
(7.1 Actress shall pay Producer the sum of sixty-five ($65.00) U.S. Dollars, during the initial audition process. Producer shall use this sum as a Performance Guarantee.
A small price to pay considering the $2500 per episode I'll make! But hey, not to belabor the point, but I thought you said I was already cast.)
(8.1 Series Directors will instruct and guide Actress during each shooting.
That's their job, right?)
(9.1 This Agreement shall be governed under the laws of the state of New York applicable to contracts and agreements made and performed in said state.
I vow to perform...the agreement. Sure. Interesting verb choice but whatever.)
(10.1 This Agreement...shall supercede any and all prior written or oral agreements between the parties...
Again, I assure you, I vow to perform my services for the oral agreement as the Series Directors instruct. Gulp.)
(Hey, any names behind this project? Oh, Dwayne Nelson is the Executive Producer. That's reassuring. I practically grew up with him.)
(Is he going to let me call him Haywood, or does he prefer to use his character's name from 32 years ago? Don't answer that. I always ask too many questions. Sorry. I'll just shut up and bring my $65 and my photo for the audition to the photoplay. Even though I already have the part. Thank you!!)