iDiot

I'm getting used to owning an iPhone, and I have 24 out of 30 days left to decide if I really like it. Why the countdown? I'm not sold on it. But most of what I don't like about the product has nothing to do with how it actually works.

1. Over enthusiastic customers

Spare me your gushing testimonials. "I was running late to a blind date at a new restaurant, so I used the Google Map application to calculate just how far I was. I was able to take a short cut and arrive on time! Now we're married!"

Please. If being punctual constitutes hitting it off, I don't think you found the most easy going of spouses. I see a lot of tightly rolled toothpaste tubes in your future.

"Once while leaving my home, iPhone's built-in smoke detector sensed I left the stove on."

Methinks this is a case of correlation and not causation. I gather your phone rang at the same time you remembered split pea with ham tastes bad when scorched.

"I went into labor in the back of a taxi cab, and iPhone delivered my baby!"

Big whoop. Doogie Howser did the same thing in a shopping mall. And he was only six.

2. Peer Pressure

I was watching kids this past weekend, discussing consumerism and being aware of what you buy. We were taking turns explaining how sharing our belongings helps others when I pulled out my iPhone to check the time. "WOW...COOL!" "Let me see it!" "This is AWEsome!" They immediately forgot the lesson. My only choice was to distract them with Skittles. This is not so much peer pressure as it is feeling like a hypocritical coil of turd.

3. Early-onset Cantankerousness

If I continue to be intimidated by its capabilities (bogged down by "fancy attributes I don't need") I will be accused of being a fuddy duddy. Rejecting the latest in technology is the first sign of old age. I hate when novelists proudly boast, "I did it all with an antique typewriter!" but I find myself saying things like, "What did people do before GPS? They asked directions and looked for landmarks. Harumph." Maybe this is the peer pressure issue I was thinking of. Or maybe I am justifying my taste for creamed corn.

So do I like it? Yes. Is it handy? Yes. Do I feel like an elitist jerk for owning one? Yes. But I'm working on not feeling guilty for having a phone that is more than a phone. After all, my last phone was also a paperweight, a doorstop, and a table leveler.

Game: There are many phrases I have used in this post that are inappropriate for my age. Can you spot them all?