I perform stand-up at night, but many people tell me I have a TV quality and should go for on-screen projects. In order to get your quality onto the TV, you need to audition for commercials and pilots or shows. Sometimes what is advertised is not always what the audition entails. Here is a random sampling of gigs that I would apply for and their translation.
CASTING CALL:
Attractive Actresses Needed For TV Pilot
Seeking actresses between 21 and 30 for speaking and non-speaking roles in a pilot for a popular cable network. Must be energetic, witty, and full of attitude. Improv experience is a plus. Please send headshot and resume.
TRANSLATION:
Eye candy needed for situation comedy.
Acting skills not necessary. Big boobs a plus. Please send headshot including bust and resume including any skills of breasts (squashing cans a plus).
CASTING CALL:
Female Host for Corporate Marketing Video
Professional/intelligent/attractive look required.
Should be 20-35.
MUST HAVE good voice for narration.
Head shot and/or current pictures REQUIRED. Any links to previous work would be ideal.
TRANSLATION:
Lady Spokesperson to Hawk Faulty Product
Business suit / eyeglasses / small nose required.
Should look 18-22.
MUST HAVE voice with Julie Andrews melody and Angela Bassett authority, as we do not have technology to dub voiceover or budget for more than one actress.
Polaroids accepted. We just need to make sure you have all your limbs. Links to youtube sketches welcome, as this will be a youtube sketch.
CASTING CALL:
Black Females Wanted For TV Show
Black Females age 18-25 wanted for a Popular Television Court Show. Please send pics and a contact number.
Compensation: $45
TRANSLATION:
Average American Sucker who does not mind Exploitation
Can you play an angry poor person? Do you already have an addiction of some sort? Do you have many kids from different fathers? Would you like to give a shout-out to your friends in Detroit? Please send phone number because we doubt you have e-mail.
Compensation: more money than you can earn dancing in an hour we're guessing.
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4 comments:
Funny; people insist I STAY AWAY from TV projects
Spilling cocaine don't translate I guess
Maybe you could start an online news show from your basement? Think about it...I could give you lots of negative press...
Eye candy needed for situation comedy.
Acting skills not necessary. Big boobs a plus. Please send headshot including bust and resume including any skills of breasts (squashing cans a plus).
Yeah, I think I'm gonna pull that ad. Nobody showed up.
LOL. Sorry to foil your plans, but maybe you should stop serving D-Bombs to your guests.
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