Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Obama: Safety in Numbers



I joke about hoping Obama will be a mediocre president so most people who are against him will be indifferent and not passionate enough to harm him. But all joking aside, I've heard my fair share of conspiracy theories that Obama now needs all the protection in the world to guard from such attempts. Most people say it under their breath because they don't want anyone nearby overhearing and getting any ideas. Here is why you do not have to worry about this happening.

Only crazy people scheme.
If you are worried that one of the people who voted for McCain and whose father voted for Reagan and whose grandfather voted for Eisenhower is going to plot against Obama, consider the wherewithall it takes to vote. People have to drink coffee to wait in line to vote, and plan the process around being home for their families. Crazies don't wait in line at Starbucks. They eat canned peaches under their bed. And they don't have kids. They have stuffed animals that tell them secrets. Fortunately most schemes are vetoed by Mr. Huggles.

Bush remains unharmed.
Even though he was openly despised by most of the country in his last years in office(or as the newspapers say, his approval rating was at an all-time low), no one even tripped him on his way to a podium. Imagine the self-restraint his own wife must have had at times to keep herself from grabbing him by the lapels and slapping him like a red-headed stepchild.

Michelle Obama.
That's her man. You ever try to take a black woman's man? Giiiiirl, you betta watch yaself! Just kidding. But seriously; box cutters.

We all got his back.
In addition to Secret Service agents whose job it is to shield Obama from danger, there is more than half a nation that would rush the stage at the first sign of menace. Do you ever stroll along a park and wistfully watch children swing? Their parents smelled you coming and won't take their eyes off you until you're a block away.

Election night was like the Superbowl.
No sports fan in America attacks players of the winning team. He finishes his wings and goes back to his life. Oh sure, he curses his fantasy football roster and spends the rest of his days photoshopping tutus and stink lines onto the team photographs, but when it comes to actual hand-to-hand combat, he'd rather take his aggression out in a video game.

Racists don't have the time.
They are too busy trying to control the minds of their children.

Evildoers are underachievers by nature.
They require a spotlight because their lives are so banal. Their year is filled with the same daily routine of working a day job and microwaving pizza rolls for dinner in front of Wheel of Fortune. As a result there's no incentive to save for the future, and they don't have any money. By the time they dream of getting attention on a national scale by traveling out of their small town they are thwarted by the cost of airfare.

Photo credit:
nymag.com

3 comments:

Jerell said...

reading this post made me anxious.

Popemobile for presidents, just to be on the safe side. Pope-Pontiac, something...

Chris said...

Places I don't want to hear about Obama planning to go include:

Theaters, especially with pissed off confederate actors.

Kitchens with waiters whose first names are the same as their last names.

Book depositories.

Dallas... In fact, stay out of Texas altogether.

And just put him in a bunker during the Ides of March.

Ugh, now I'm anxious like Jerell.

Abbi said...

I think the fears are legitimate, but more energy should be put towards uniting as a nation to support the president. Just like when GWB held office. Seriously, no one even cream pied the man.