Monday, December 15, 2008

Ask Abbi: How Could You?

Chris of writes:

How do you feel about becoming an actress in a commercial promoting the consumption of foods high in triglycerides leading to an epidemic of childhood obesity which causes lifelong problems of heart disease and diabeetus in lower income neighborhoods resulting in higher crime rates and other terror related crimes which aims at bringing down the infrastructure of American capitalism by decreasing the liquidity in the credit market which leads to government bailouts using taxpayers' money leading to an inflated deficit which is passed on to our triglyceride-filled children who cannot make it up because they are earning minimum wage at a fast food restaurant which is in turn creating (generation upon generation of) curly haired biracial women who seek job opportunities in promoting the substantiation of the fried fish as a health food?

Thanks for your concern Chris. I was recently invited to participate in a sketch by a friend, and I turned him down. When he asked why, I wrote him a long e-mail on the kind of projects I will accept based on my integrity, the women's liberation movement, and my responsibility as a role model. While the dissertation was not necessary, it did help me realize that auditioning for commercials is ultimately an artistic feed my family.

If my ethics are still in question, I present to you a list of things I would NEVER do for the camera, followed by reasons I probably would do it after all.

1. Smoke to look cool.

Why I'd do it: If the cigarette were fake so as not to damage my lungs nor spark an addiction. Also if there were some redeeming moral lesson in the script to balance out the guilt I'd feel if thousands of kids remembered my character as the reason they first lit up.

2. Appear nude.

Why I'd do it: If the scene were in no way sexy, (like being deloused in a prisoner camp) so that the claim "I did it for the art" really could convince my minister father-in-law.

3. Play a prostitute.

Why I'd do it: Pretty Woman, The Musical.

4. Kiss someone other than my husband.

Why I'd do it: If Luke forgot my birthday.

5. Sell fast food.

Why I'd do it: (rubbing thumb and fingers together as the mafia do to indicate money)

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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