Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Theory of Douchebaggery

Has anyone ever pegged you for a Type A or Type B personality? Did you respond by telling them you are not interested in donating blood?

According to Wikipedia identifying Type A and B personalities helps you to know if you're dealing with a real hangnail or someone that is abnormally laid back. Either way, if someone tries to guess your type, it usually follows a moment when you've annoyed them severely. Where did this terminology come from? It's a theory based on scientific evidence. Like all theories based on scientific evidence, it will become inconsequential with the Apocalypse. But until that fiery day is upon us, here is some insight into who you are.

Type Ass - These individuals can be described as "impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about their status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation." Also categorized as "high achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays", they often consider themselves "stress junkies."

Type Bro - individuals, in contrast, who are described as "patient, relaxed, and easy-going."

I like to relax, and I think of myself as easygoing, but I share more characteristics with Type Ass. Perhaps this is because its description encompasses more adjectives than the latter type. Type Bros like to have a good time more than socially acceptable. Think Matthew McConaughey.

I would like to amend the theory, immediately casting aside Type A/B which describes people who have both characteristics (also known as a cop-out) and make it more tailored to the people who don't fall in either A or B. I give you Types C, D, and E.

Type Crusty - The fabric of society pre-occupied with themselves to the point of grossing you out. They spit in your path, they smoke in line next to you, they make out with each other in tight public spaces.

Type Dentist - Individuals who enjoy working on your teeth and breathing down your nostrils. They ask you questions when you are unable to talk and leave the sucking straw machine in the corner of your mouth too long.

Type EverybodyLovesRaymond - The demographic that allows for reruns to happen. They have an ungodly amount of patience when it comes to watching sitcoms, listening to children tell stories, and clipping cartoons from Reader's Digest. They keep hard candy in a glass bowl in their living room.

So which kind of waste of space are you?


Chris said...

I'm type F. For Fail. I love Tiki Bars but I don't like to drink and I love Vegas yet I don't like to gamble. Maybe I'm type P for Paradoxical. Wait, is that a word. Definitely type F for Fail.

Abbi said...

You may also fall under Type I for IronicLifestyleMan. You're in good company with celebrities such as George Hamilton (is orange but does not tan), Wayne Newton (headlines in Vegas but can't sing), and Jamie Lee Curtis (sells Activia but has a penis).