Friday, March 9, 2007

Virginia Monologues

I for one do NOT support these teens who got suspended for being insubordinate, and I am quite distressed about an America that is so quick to pat them on the back. At a recent talent show, they weren't allowed to mention a certain private part that may or may not exist on the female body.

There is a reason we don’t talk about such matters in public, and that reason is that no one likes a show-off. If they want to brag about knowing where babies come from they should just change the name to the Stork Monologues so we’re all in the loop. Don’t use confusing and vulgar vernacular that has not been approved by Webster’s Dictionary. And don’t tell me censorship is why my mama ripped that page out, because I know good and well that 582 is an unlucky number and probably missing from most novels. You know what happens on p. 582 of the Grapes of Wrath? They all die!

Bravo to the principal! Teachers are the appointed brain-molders, and they have a reputation to uphold. When I was a kid you know what we couldn't say on stage? Sandwich. Because the cafeteria didn't serve them, and the administration thought it might turn kids off of the daily chicken fried steak.

Don't these girls understand the art of suggestion? At least Prince had the dignity to use a guitar handle. Their choice to use the anatomical slur is backwards. Ladies, if you’re above euphemisms, why don’t you just describe it by its physicality like, “that area I am sure is somewhere below my belly button but above my knees that includes but is not limited to my bladder”.

I mean what's next? Monologues about wacky tabacky?

7 comments:

Chris Serico said...

My coworkers -- who sit five and 15 feet from me -- were the ones to break that story! :)

Abbi said...

I hope your co-workers have the sense to shake their heads and click their tongues.

matt said...

I think that you confused 'The Grapes Of Wrath' with 'Final Destination'.

Abbi said...

I think you're confusing Final Destination with Final Destinations 2 and 3.

Abbi said...

Chris, did you mean 5 and 15 as in 20? Or 5 and 15 feet respectively? Because I will be 5 and 20 years old in one and one months. It's like we're in The Village.

Chris Serico said...

We are. M. Night Shyamalan's reading the paper behind us right now.

Abbi said...

He ALWAYS puts himself in the background when we're talking.