Baby Stay Out

I get the message lound and clear.

I just went to my first "baby shower" last night. It turns out that the guest of honor had already had two baby showers, and this evening was actually a scheduled intervention for me to rid me of my desire of ever having a child.

I admit I have been babbling a lot on stage about what it would be like to be a Mommy, but it hasn't always been this way. I spent my entire adolescence babysitting, so I've experienced first-hand the terrible twos, a 5lb dirty diaper deluge, and my fair share of insolence. One kid locked me out of her house then waved at me through the glass door. Her parents laughed and said it was her favorite trick. My favorite trick when I was little? Eating all my vegetables then falling asleep to Charlotte's Web. It's about discipline, America!

Now my twenties are here, and for some reason I feel differently. Maybe it's the odd gray hair I spy in the mirror, maybe it's the triplet strollers everyone pushes in my neighborhood, or maybe I want a reason for having stocked my kitchen with rubber-coated spoons and strained peas.

First my friends began by ruining my illusion of how breast milk comes out. Apparently it leaks from all crazy areas on the boob. Gone are the hilarious days I envisioned robbing banks and blinding cops by using them as a squirt gun. I'll stop taking my cues from Frida Kahlo.


Then they passed an actual baby around. I thought this was a send-off! A celebration of the last free moments on Earth. While we're at it why don't we make sure wives attend bachelor parties? Let's select thesis topics at high school graduation open houses! It didn't help that the baby cried every time I held her. Can babies smell fear?

Finally they all circled around me saying horrible things like "mucus plug" and "placenta recipes". I decidedly ran out screaming. Then I went back, grabbed four daisy-shaped cupcakes, and ran out again.

I'm going back to Target to place bets on how long it takes kids to throw fits in various departments. And of course, to offer my spanking services.