Take the Silverware

Tonight I am going to have dinner at a fancy restaurant. I checked out the sample menu to see what I should expect. Looks like I'd better have a burger before I go.

Appetizers

Tartare of Hamachi and Blue Fin Tuna, Tat Soi, Mizuna, Balsamic and Soy (You know, it HAS been a while since I’ve had food poisoning.)
Seared Hudson Valley Foie Gras, Roasted Mission Figs, Port Reduction (Can Hudson Valley compare to Hidden Valley? Skip it...I take figs in my Newtons and in no other fashion.)
Celeriac Remoulade Sea Scallop, a la Plancha (Speak English.)
Butternut Squash Velouté, Ragoût of Duck Prosciutto, Brussel Sprouts (Soup…simple enough, but the duck-ham? Spam is spam no matter how you dress it up.)
Salad Grècque (My Big Fat Greek Let-down. This is so tame! No intestine garnish?)

Entrée de Poisson

Alaskan Halibut Braised in its own Jus, Mousseline of Sunchokes, Sauce Duglère (I bathe in my own Jus just for the halibut. HIYOOOO! PS: Sunchokes got sunstroke sitting on a sunboat)
Roasted Maine Lobster "Américaine" Crushed Carrots, Truffled Basmati Rice (I hope “Américaine” means drenched in butter with a lemon wedge squeezed above it and hush puppies falling off the plate.)
Steamed Black Bass, Barigoule of Artichokes, Sauce Vièrge (I went to France and never heard of a Barigoule. I’ve heard of Bari Manilow, which is less than appetizing.)
Fresh Dover Sole from La Rochelle, Grilled or Sautéed (I take it this is the safe item that people fall back on when they don’t want sunchoke mousse. But what they don’t know is by "Fresh" they mean "served in the head of a goat.")

Entrée de Viande

Colorado Rack of Lamb, Confit of Lamb Shoulder, Tender Coco Beans (I ate his shoulders with some tender coco beans...fsfsfssfss!)
Grilled Veal T-Bone Steak, Grilled Zucchini, Japanese Eggplant, Tomato, Roasted Garlic (You had me at steak, my friend.)
Prime Aged Ribeye, Roasted Foie Gras, Giant Fries, Sauce Bercy (Excuse me, there's a smushed, fatty liver on my steak. Please have it removed before the lady sees it.)
Roasted Blue Foot Chicken Cèpes, Roasted Fingerling Potatoes (*Waking up from fainting* I'm sorry. You lost me at foot. Go on. *Waking up again* When you said Sep was a fungus, I flashed back to that horrifying Lamisil commercial with the goblin that lives under toenails.)

Check please!