Tuesday, February 12, 2008

GRAM tastic

Wait a minute. (scratching head) Was this the last Grammy's ever? There was so much jam-packed into the show and people said, "Fifty more years!" so often, I wondered who they were trying to convince. As long as it comes on while I'm eating Cocoa Krispies I will continue to watch it. Wait a minute. (standing up in boxers) Are they discontinuing Cocoa Krispies?!

Most of you missed it, because your brains have been numbed by the absence of television writers. You're on autopilot; an episode of "30 Rock" looks the same as "Yes, Dear", and so you spend your evenings with friends and Jenga. Before you trade your time share in Montauk on the black market for dvds of Arrested Development, allow me to re-cap:

First of all, Alicia Keys did a duet with old footage of Frank Sinatra, which used to be enough to be a show stopper

and before that a number one single.

Now it's just the appeteaser. A meager beginning, like the bad acting before an R. Kelly song.

Carrie Underwear sang a new anthem in female country artist angst that blows Nancy Sinatra's old hit* out of the water.

By the way, pregnancy is so hot right now, the next wave on stage is childbirth pose. Beyonce struck it, but Tina Turner made it famous. Oh yeah, they were there too--and that WASN'T the finale.

*Speaking of "These Boots are Made For Christopher Walken", America's favorite drag queen Amy Winehouse performed a hit and collected some awards. They tried to make her look normal, but she said no no no.

"Rehab" is the saddest, catchy song I have ever heard anyone sing. She is singing the same song as the addict on the train, only instead of a plastic bag of sandwiches she has an entourage that keeps propping her up and pointing her towards a camera. I thought her eyes rolling in the back of her head and her wobbly knees were a sign that she wasn't sober, but it turns out it's the people jumping and cheering around her after she won the award were the sign that she wouldn't be sober for another five albums.

Sean Kingston's song is cute too. I like how he has teenagers repeating that they'd be suicidal. If OJ Simpson added a 50s doo-wop beat to the prologue of "If I Did It", maybe the United States would have forgiven him. Michael Jackson, are you paying attention?

Alicia came back and had an intro by Stevie Wonder (who embarrassed her by singing her hook before she could even begin, just to show her who the diva is). The act also featured a surprise guitar solo by John Mayer, who sported the same new haircut as Rhianna. I have no picture to prove this, but here's a general idea.

There was an Aretha Franklin gospel number that required more than one choir, Josh Grobin with Andrea Bocelli for the opera fans (deaf), dueling pianos, a Cirque de Soleil performance to a Beatles montage, and two lifetime achievement awards! I got so confused about what would end this thing that I went to sleep. I think the real finale happened around five AM. 2Pac was resurrected.

The craziest thing was when they gave "Best Song of the Year" to Chocolate Rain.

Photo Credits:


Crutch said...

omgness. i don't know which post i enjoyed more, the one about the lame grammys or the one about the awesome super bowl. you are dead on about the grammys...clearly i wasn't paying enough attention b/c i missed the birthing poses and the addict drag queen's peformance, but i did peep how rhianna, alicia, prince and i guess john mayer all used the same up-do obsessed hair dresser. kanye reminding whoever controls the music that kanye runs the show was the best part of it for me. bravo sista!

Bizzy said...

Great job silly!!!

Abbi said...

Thank you. You like me! You really like me! Or maybe you just can't get enough of the Chocolate Rain references. It's not old until it's beat to death, right Sanjaya? Right Brokeback Mountain? Right Michael Jackson's face?