Monday, July 16, 2007

Inside Scoop

Inside Edition's slogan is "Real People. Real Stories." But that's the shortened version. The longer one, which can be found on Bill O'Riley's retirement watch, is "Real People. Real Believe. Real These. Real Stories. Real Matter. Real They. Real Don't. Real We. Real Still. Real Get. Real Paid. ...Real BOO! Real Ya'Ugly. Real Beast."

All I’m saying is if important facts and events are a giant block of cheese, Inside Edition is the cloth that strains it, and the yellowish stinky liquid that falls through is funneled into a bottle labeled “Our Exclusive Stories”.

Tonight's titles plus a brief synopsis:

Could an iPod Become a FryPod?

(Bill Gates commands God to strike an iPod-clad boy with lightning to teach Steve Jobs a lesson. The product flies off the shelves as mother-in-laws are gifted the world over. The boy survives, however, and the trend shifts back to Arsenic.)

Oprah's Heartbreak

(A puppy fails to effectively eat a plastic ball a.k.a Bob Greene's worst diet ever. O interpreted the passing as a sign that she needs to slow down. Her remaining pets are hoping she won't need a sign for another 20 years.)

Jessica's Bikinis

(Jessica Simpson makes money selling other people's bodies instead of her own. She introduces a line of bikinis modeled after her wardrobe on The Dukes of Hazzard. Creating clothes that look like other people's clothes. It's kind of like when I "invented" Poptarts by putting jam in between two slices of toast. It did not sell.)

The Lovestruck Walrus

(Performing walrus is jealous of handler's girlfriend. This is a story you can't really joke about considering the heartache the poor creature must be feeling. She stayed up all night drunk dialing the other woman.)

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