Nana-Nano Particle

I have had an unhealthy fear of the sun lately. I knew it was out of control when it became the first topic I mentioned to anyone who'd listen--including my dog. But he just entertained my prattle in the hopes of getting food, like a co-worker at an office birthday. Allow me to save you several hours of Internet research and a few nightmares about skin cancer: the only safe sunscreen is SPF burqa. Unless you have hits like "Thriller" under your belt, you can't pull off the fashionable face mask shown above. Is that Bryan Cranston or Aaron Eckhart making a little cash on the side?

Things I've tried to protect myself from Ultra Violet Rays

1. Being Black - Any pasty person will point out that I have melanin, a natural protectant. But after my honeymoon I learned that I, too, can shed skin like a snake and itch like the dickens. The sun doesn't say, "Oh, hey dark and lovely, almost didn't see you there. Can you scoot over so I can burn that jogger alive?"

2. Staying indoors - Recluse bonus: when you eat out less you save enough money to have groceries delivered! As a hypochondriac I am also a natural hermit, so this wouldn't be a problem for me if it weren't for the going-to-work-to-pay-my-rent habit that I have. It's recommended not to go out between 10:00AM and 3:00PM, because during those hours, a giant kid with a large magnifying glass creeps up over the mountain tops. So I'd need to get a night job. That leaves me such occupational options as grave digger, streetwalker and serial killer.

3. Long-sleeve shirts - The first thing recomended if you must go out is to cover up with clothing. If it happens to be 90 degrees out, your shirt becomes a microwave. Plus you sweat profusely. This may help you make weight for the wrestling team but if you're not a 17 year old boy you'll be clawing at your body to release it from what has become an abrasive potato sack. Leaving you naked, which is super unsafe.

4. Shade - The next thing websites tell you is to find shade. Holding an umbrella when it's not raining makes you look like Fonsworth Bentley or an Asian tour guide. Creeping along buildings and constantly switching sidewalks to maintain coverage make you look like you escaped an asylum.

5. Mineral sunscreen - This is sunscreen that doesn't have chemicals in it. In other words, you'll never see a sexy European supermodel hawking it on TV. You'll only see your disheveled, granola-eating, cat-lady neighbor spouting its benefits while she steals your garbage for her compost heap. The problem with most of these is they are sold in 2oz bottles that cost a fortune, they leave your skin chalky white, and most contain Nanoparticles.

Nanoparticles are my new boogie man. They absorb into your skin and possibly your bloodstream. They cause tumors in rats within days (when sipped as a titanium dioxide + lab water cocktail). Under the skin, they may break apart into free radicals, and everyone knows the only way to fight free radicals is by wagging your finger at them--who has the time?

My conclusion is life is a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Only replace "adventure" with "ailment that will eventually put you in a home". By worrying I have lost precious seconds of my life that I could have used opening invoices from my oncologist.