Dates. Raisin Imposters

When I was younger, I remember eating bowls of cereal with great caution. Not because of a loose tooth (little known fact: I still have all of my baby teeth), but because I often confused dried dates with raisins. I also thought Michael Jordan and Whitney Houston would get married, my toys could breathe, and switching the lids on all my markers would teach my mom for yelling at me. These were different times.

The only thing worse than flakes, soggy with elapsed cartoon viewing and devoid of all plump raisins, was those flakes with the odd date hiding underneath. And I do mean odd. And I do mean hiding--intentionally plotting a guerilla attack on my mouth. Dates were small, dark, and delightfully chewy like a raisin, but then they became gritty and deadly (not proven, since I always spat them out. But I think it's fair to say...poisonous). I could not tell the difference unless I bit into them, so every spoonful was like walking in a mine field. Thank goodness my lab testing proved that dates had identifiable, factory-cut corners and a golden brown hue when held up to the light. They also stink when microwaved. Coincidence?

Some of you are saying, "Hey, I am neutral on dates. Please write more about how horrible banana chips are." Others are saying, "I use dates to break my fast during Ramadan. I can't decide if they are more delicious than sacred or the other way around." I shake my head because you have been fooled by one of America's great masterminds.

What's next? Apple pie made entirely of crackers?

Photo credit: www.hort.purdue.edu