This Just In: Dogs Are Not People

Alternative title: You're the Man Now, Dawg!


Photo by Ted S. Warren, Associated Press

In a recent article, the concept of doggie yoga was explored. Here is an unpublished excerpt:

We asked participants what they loved best about the class, and the response was unanimous: dogs are finally being respected for the people they are. "Some day we'll stop classifying our dogs as belonging to a different species, genus, and family, and eradicate the order carnivora (because Baron Von Pugglesworth is vegetarian), and we'll start recognizing that we are all united...mainly by our common love for long bike rides and day time talk shows".

It blows my mind that this place exists. More specifically, it blows my mind that bills are paid to light the room in which people spend quality time with their pets. Wait, I'm having a breakthrough: you can spend quality time outside...in a place called a park. And there's light there too...from the sun...and it's free!

First of all, stop it. I saw a guy on the street pull his lab out of my way by calling her Melissa. Don't do that. Don't give your dog a human name. Pet names are puns so you can remember who's boss. Melissa is only okay if you have another dog named Etheridge. You follow? "Edward, are you going to help me with my taxes, or are you going to chase your tail all day? Louis! Talk some sense into your brother!"

So for doggy yoga, people actually sit down to achieve enlightenment with an animal that has a brain the size of a tennis ball. What's worse, people teach their dogs how to be still by repositioning them over and over. I imagine this class is for trained or grotesquely overweight dogs, because trying to get one still without using treats is the opposite of relaxation.

But practicality aside, what is this saying about our state of mind? We are so lonely and simultaenously lazy as a culture we will now force relationships with others using our dogs as props. I hope all you plan on meeting is other infertile couples.

Score one for terrorism. Not only do Americans have a lot of money, but they have SO much money, they don't know what to do with it! If you need help spending it, give it to me.

My cat needs braces.