Interview with a Glampire

The Today Show recently did a special on older women reclaiming their beauty. Grandmas are now calling themselves GLAM-mas! Hey HEY hey! To re-cap: 60 is the new 40, Metamucil is the new Pinot, and death is the new reason for lying to yourself.

Far be it from me to criticize a woman’s choice to look young. I used to say I’d never pluck a gray hair, but that’s before I found out they stick out like a pube in a butter dish (I just compared one type of follicle to another. Can someone lend me a book of metaphors?) And just like an off-key soloist at a nice wedding, you wish they weren’t there (seriously, the book. Help a sister out). But ladies and gentlemen, it always looks better to be older when you embrace it. Just ask anyone who’s ever thrown up to a recent picture of Bruce Jenner.

As with most of the world’s problems, I blame Hollywood. When I was growing up, older women were given their dues. You couldn’t find a whimsical crime drama without a woman in her 50s playing the jaded millionaire’s wife. She came complete with silver coiffe, pants that rested above the belly button and crow’s feet for miles. Conversely, actresses well into their 20s were donning pig tails, painted-on freckles and the occasional long night gown with ruffled collar. Saying things like, “Gee willikers” and asking for a glass of milk.

Flash forward to today where the virus is spreading into comedy. I have to watch women in their 30s don ringer tees and baseball shirts, and women in their 40s brag about dating people half their age. Be old and be comfortable. While Cook and Silverman bring sexy to a genre that never required it, I’m going to work on being funny (this is all tongue-in-cheek as if comedians had a say in how they market themselves).

I say, put your large panties back on and make me some cookies! And then tell me more on this alpha hydroxy complex I keep hearing about…