There's No Basement In The Alamo

This is Meathead.

He's my pet Crocabull. He has been bred to sniff out lies.

Sylvia Browne is a psychic who offers a 20-minute reading over the phone for $750.
She claims on her website that neither she nor her psychic son "need a personal object from you. In fact, they do not need your physical presence at all." You can even tell Sylvia nothing but fake stories about yourself in a disguised voice and she will STILL give you a reading for $750. Now that's a professional.

I wanted to know if I'm going to be a big comedy star some day, so I asked Sylvia while she was on my TV screen during an episode of Montel. I took her answers that she gave to other people and wrote down key words that I thought were pertinent to my situation. I also invented a Spirit Guide for myself (because I can't afford for Sylvia to), and let her spiritually guide the decision. For the record, my spirit guide is Monica Bellucci in the movie Malena.


This was the so-called answer I received from the so-called expert, Sylvia so-called Browne:

Your children
Will
Be
Gorgeous
Laughter
Is
With
Your family
But
You're a worrier
And
You will
Be
A nurse or someone in the medical field but not a doctor

Now I know that's wrong. My mom's the nurse not me, Sly. You couldn't BE more off! I'm gonna rock the U.S. comedy circuit some day, and it will NOT be in retirement homes.

Meathead also found an interesting article in which a missing child was forseen by Sylvia as "no longer with us" although he was subsequently rescued. In her own defense, Browne later added, "I meant he was not with us-with us, that is to say present in the studio of The Montel Williams Show during that taping. He WILL die you know...because all mortal humans eventually die...and because I am seeing it in my dreams right now."