Forward-Thinking II

Doombah Gizzardsprinkles here! Sometimes a loved one sends you something in the mail that's too goofy to ignore. If you feel like laughing, or if you're like me and you need a new rap name, follow the instructions below. If, on the other hand, you came here to read some original comedy and not anything borrowed from another writer, continue further below to get your new Hipster name. Leave either of your new names in the comments!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And
the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey,


in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of
your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of
your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

HIPSTER NOMENCLATURE

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = Tight pants
b = Blue tooth
c = Kitten heels
d = Swatch watch
e =Giant Sunglasses
f = Crazy Hair
g = Bad Hair
h = Frowns
i = Broody
j =Moody
k =Caucasian
l = Clueless
m = Latte
n = I Get It
o = Corduroy
p = Ironic Tee
q = Pale
r = Begging for Attention
s = iPod
t = Thrifty
u = Skater
v = Vaughn
w = Gucci
x = Faux-hawk
y = L.E.S. isMore
z = Quiche-y

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the your new middle initial / last name prefix / nickname in quotations:

a = P.
b = Mc
c = O'
d = Bin-
e = Baxter-
f = H.
g = Mac
h =Don-
i = Mc
j = Sorta
k = Pabst-
l = Della
m = "VH1"
n = "Hall 'N Oats"
o = Von
p = J.
q = "Big brain"
r = "Pop and lock"
s = "Samburg"
t = "Rat tail"
u = "Mini-mullet"
v = "bullet-mullet"
w = "mullet-mullet"
x = "couscous"
y = "Seven-grain"
z = Gloomy-

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine your new last name:

a = Trust Fundy
b = Starship
c = The Yoga buff
d = Scrawny arms
e = Slouchin'
f = Spader
g = Nosebleed
h = Broken Inside
i = Poetry House
j = Da Journalist
k = Cat-owner and worshipper
l = Seclusion
m = Veagan
n = Raw Diet
o = iMac
p = Improv
q = Night Owl
r = Single
s= Vonnegut
t = Aspirations
u =Salinger
v = Baudelaire
w = Vinyl pants
x = Credit Card
y = Throwback
z = Reference

For example, David Foster, composer of "Love theme from St. Elmo's Fire", is now "Vaughn Von Vonnegut".