Monday, January 26, 2009

Movies I Do Not Want to See During an Economic Recession

Most people watch movies to escape reality. The two hours of relaxation are worth any price, which explains why, even during an economic downturn, I had to wait in a long line to see a woman order potato salad in The Wrestler. Some films, however, will make it hard to forget the pinch on your wallet.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

The tale of a tragic hero with a classic hamartia: she lacks the reasoning ability to fit all her newly purchased shoes into one cab. It is resolved in the first five minutes of the movie when she calls for a limo. The plot certainly has to go somewhere, so they introduce a foil: A dashingly handsome man to come and sweep her off her feet, and more importantly, extend her line of credit. The hardest part of making this movie is clearly which purchases to keep in the film and which to leave on the editing room floor. Luckily, a gold-plated towel warmer from Brookstone makes it in.

Hotel for Dogs

From the makers of Promotion for Dogs, Paid Time Off for Dogs, and Renewed Wedding Vow Ceremonies for Dogs comes the follow-up you have been waiting for. Finally those overworked canines can relax in style. And who is footing the bill? Kids, of course. Wealthy kids with plenty of time on their hands. The only unrealistic part in this movie is the never-ending drink machine, a button-covered contraption that supplies thirsty dogs with a constant flow of Fiji water. As if they wouldn't have Evian?

Bride Wars

How do you stand out on your wedding day? Growl like a rabid animal with a piece of taffeta in your teeth. You have to show wedding planners how serious you are about needing the dream dress. Don't forget to sabotage your friend to show her she'll never be as important as you, no matter how much she spends. Oh, and she will spend a lot. Each table at the reception will need to have a chocolate fountain. Brides in this film are instructed to buy so many that guests can give them away to beggars on the street.

This one is still okay.

Yes it has millionaires, dogs, and a potentially costly marriage, but somehow I sympathized with the lead actors. I know it wasn't shot here, and so it is devoid of any fat suits, animal tricks or green screen technology which usually facilitate an easier escape. But since it takes place overseas, watching it feels like you've traveled, and that's a $4,000 value.


Mo Diggs said...

Word of the day: hamartia

If anyone says it from this point on, scream and run to the nearest hot air balloon as per evacuation protocol

Seth said...

My wife and I saw Slumdog Millionaire over the weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed it! You're right though, it's like a trip to India without the planes, people or smells.

Chris said...

True story, the captcha for his comment says 'neuter'.

Abbi Crutchfield said...

@ Mo: you can't have "hamartia" without "hubris" or my name isn't Brain Game Champ 1997.

@ Seth: I was disappointed no one ate naan in the whole film. That was the part I was hoping to experience.

@ Chris: some guys have all the luck.

The Critic said...

I saw "Hotel for Dogs."

I'll leave it at that.

But the five year old I was with loved it, then went home and arranged a hotel for her stuffed animals.

The Critic said...

Oh wait, I will say one more thing. All through the movie, I kept getting twitter updates from Chris as he worked his way west. Wot a dick.

Abbi Crutchfield said...

Playing games with stuffed animals is a sign that the five year old will grow up to be a stand-up comedian. I know from experience.

The Critic said...

This doesn't mean she'll be a prop comic does it? I think I could take just about any other careers other than pole dancer, prop comic, prostitute, and aide to unnamed Republican senator.