Thursday, January 22, 2009

He's Just Not That Into Jew

Hollywood presents the unrelatable, yuppie rom-com you have been waiting for since the finale of Friends. "He's Just Not That Into Jew...Or Any Other Culture or Race" is the story that asks, "What's his type?" and answers, "Anglo-Saxon. Skinny. And famous." This film gives American audiences what they want: lots of cliches delivered by celebrities. Because ever since the wacky Oscar season of movies with non-endings (about countries not fit for old men or oil tycoons), viewers long for familiarity in a film. In fact, the movie boasts such a star-studded cast of recognizable faces there is absolutely no room for a token black newcomer. Some naysayers may argue that even the black production "The Family that Preys" features a porcelain Kathy Bates in the center. But as Tyler Perry points out, "That was just to give kids in the subway something to scribble over."

Get out your Clinique blotting papers and put on your Jane Seymour Open Hearts pendant. You will want to look pretty for the sage advice coming your way. Pearls of wisdom like, "Guys don't make passes at girls who refuse shot glasses," and "If his mom answers the phone, pretend to be foreign and hang up," are just two of the life lessons our seventeen protagonists learn. Featuring a very special appearance by Meg Ryan who sadly bemoans ever starting the romantic comedy craze and, after shoveling ice cream into her face with her hands, tragically falls into a vat of Haagen-Dazs.

We can all get into that.

Two frostbitten thumbs up!


Crutch said...

good to know...i'm going to start boycotting all movies that don't have at least one black actor...what's all the hype about a half-black president if hollywood is still making "whites only" movies? celebrities are dumb. don't ever become one.

The Critic said...

Here's where I get my hate on in regards to the shitty, shitty source material.

Abbi Crutchfield said...

@ Crutch: too late! I was on VH1, you know.

@ The Critic: I hate to say it, but I think you have goatee-envy.