Layoffs R Us

Corporate America. Getting rid of excess waste in style.

I was let go from my work place this morning along with hundreds of folks. My former colleagues were very somber about it, and either chose not to look at me or to give me puppy dog eyes. It's that age-old phrase: the company loves misery. It stinks to feel rejected, but it's not the worst way to go. Imagine the last time you got dumped. If that person helped you get your things together, thanked you for being nice and then gave you some cash, maybe you would have thought twice before putting their number on Craigslist.

I never felt comfortable talking about my job on the blog, but now that I don't work there anymore, I can finally reveal what I did for a living: I wrote descriptions for Sky Mall.

You know that litter box that looks like a space ship? I'm the one who thought to call it "an intimate get-away for your pet". When we tested it, most cats were too afraid to go inside, so I added, "You won't be able to tell they've used it!" Engineers from Sweden would send in their ridiculous inventions, and it was my job to trick people into buying them. The key is to make the impractical seem necessary. The upright hot dog and bun warmer? "An exclusive toaster for exclusive tastes." The giant, wall-sized cross word puzzle? "Hiding punch-holes has never been this fun...or educational." The ice cream maker that needs no ice OR chemicals? "Uh...soup recipes included."

I guess the only thing I would have changed is being let go by an animatronic Elvis bust.

"You ain't nothing but a hound dog!"

But Boss, I can do better.


"...cryin' all the time."

No. I told myself I would not cry. I just wanted to say one thing.


"A little less conversation--"

I know, a little more action. I remember the company slogan. I'll...see myself out.

Some of the staff were very cool. I will miss Victor who always called me Bee-bee and said my Spanish was very good. And if I may have a private word just between the two of us: Hola. Bien gracias y tu? Muy bien. Uh...I don't know that one. Bueno? Okay. Later.

I will miss the weird painting on the wall made of blue blotches that always looked like a screaming face. I will miss my desk by the men's room. I will miss the stale contents of that desk. Namely the packet of dried chicken noodle-flavored soup labeled, "Beat the 3PM Slump!" that always reminded me to go to Starbucks. Especially at this time of year, I will miss the phone call announcing the non-negotiable bonus and the follow-up question, "So how does that sound to you?"

Good bye Sky Mall! See you next to the barf bag.