Raisin Hell

On Pandora I have a station called “Peter Cetera” solely so I can get it to play the song from the credits of Karate Kid II (“Glory of Love”). Hasn’t happened yet, but I’ve listened to “Inspiration” enough now to know that he is distinctly saying, “You’re the meaning of my life. You’re the inspi-raisin.” Give it a listen if you don’t believe me. It happens more than once.

I’m pretty sure I’m not hearing it just because I happen to be eating raisins. By the way, have I painted a sad enough picture yet? I snack on dried fruit in my cubicle while listening to Peter Cetera and artists like him. Why don’t they just take me out to the back of a barn, shoot me and put me out of my misery? The silver lining to this dark cloud is that I now have the perfect name if I ever open a bagel shop.

Water You Mean

I drank a LOT on my birthday.


Bubble tea in Chinatown



Lemonade in Little Italy



Iced tea in the West Village



I'll tell you when I've had enough!



Onto the hard stuff: ice water (What? Ice is hard...)



MAS AGUA.



It was hot out, okay? Water on the subway.



Just a little more in Brooklyn. Hahahaha! Get it? I drank on my birthday, but I didn't drink alcohol! Haha. Most people drink ALCOHOL on their birthday! Hahaha. But I DIDN'T. I want a cute butt not acute cirrhosis! Whew! I chose to leave out the picture of me with Metamucil.



Brought to you by Tuttorosso spaghetti sauce. I won a jar at the Italian festival. Actually, I spun a wheel and lost. Then Luke spun and lost. Then I said it was my birthday, and a lady made it magically click one section over to win. Fate agrees: I'm a winner.

Why I Don't Talk Politics

On January 23, 2002, I got to take part in a political talk show on MSNBC called "Alan Keyes is Making Sense". It was very exciting for me, as a sophomore in college. Not only was it my first time on national television, but it was also the first time I ever received public feedback for my opinions. Shout-out to CW in the Colorado Department of Corrections! It may have also been the pivotal moment I decided I have no idea what I am doing pursuing a career in politics. I gave stand-up a try eight months later and never looked back.

From the transcript:

KEYES: Aren't there certain crimes that just cry out for the death penalty?

CRUTCHFIELD: No, there are not. And the subject of evil, I think that evil, the basis of evil is hatred, and the basis of the capital punishment is also the vengeance and hatred itself. And the only thing we can combat that with is the abolishment of capital punishment, which would suggest forgiveness or love. And that is my main theme, I think, that I'll be talking about this evening.

This was the first thing out of my mouth. I was so nervous about sounding knowledgeable that I just babbled key words that had been floating around my head that day. I couldn't even put together a coherent sentence.

The brief segment was filled with pauses and confused looks from me and the other two panelists (also students). The Evil vs. Love debate may sound a little out there, but this was three months after 9/11 (when the Pentagon ruins burned two visible miles from my dorm room), and I was on a crusade for peace.

Looking back, however, I would have answered his question differently. There ARE certain crimes that call for the death penalty. Producing political talk shows for example.

Lessons I Learned:
Don't come to a talk show with a theme.
If you have a theme, don't announce that you have a theme.
Love and forgiveness are still important but are probably best taught through song or religious texts.
"The Vengeance and Hatred Itself" is not an acceptable description for a government policy, but would make a good band name.

Chicks & Giggles Renews My Soul

Checked out the Got MILF? special at Chicks & Giggles not too long ago. I've mentioned it before, and it bears repeating, that this is a show that is so fun I still make it out to watch when I'm not in the lineup. It's great to sit back and learn from all the talent. Lisa Landry threw down, and people you've seen on television were there, and ladies about to pop out babies rocked the mic. It was an excellent time, and you should catch it Tuesdays at 8:00 PM at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction (34 Avenue A, between 2nd & 3rd streets). Luke and I got there early and got a booth to ourselves. Then the stragglers came in, touring comic veterans Pat Canderas and Michele Balan, and asked to squeeze in with us. We watched them giggle over drinks and then haggle over who would treat whom. We were waiting to tease them about picking up our tab, but remembered that joking with comedians is tacky.

Lookit! Pictures!

With Pat Candaras, finalist for Nick at Nite's America's Funniest Mom

With Michele Balan, finalist for Last Comic Standing 4

Network...BAD

photo by Gale Adler/ABC

Alternative title: I've got good news! ABC just saved a lot of money by switching to Geico!

Ever wish a commercial could last a whole season? Me neither. But this fall, instead of flipping past The George Lopez Show, you'll flip past the cavemen made famous for their anachronous scenarios and continual sarcasm. Fortunately, I had a lobotomy and like to be spoon-fed my comedy. Not only does this seem like an overly simple premise, I'm half-expecting one of the characters to knock over a lamp and say, "Did I do that?"

Lopez laments, "T.V. just became really, really white again." I don't know when it ever stopped. Between Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters, ABC explores the crap out of what it means to be white, rich and troubled. There is no stone unturned. But wait! How about adding the anomaly of time travel? Enter The Cavemen.

I don't know what kind of theme song it will have, but if it's not the sound of makeup artists rejoicing, I don't want it. As some feather-haired guy so wistfully put it, "It's a rare condition in this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page." The only saving grace that I can see is the cast. It features both John Heard, the dad from Home Alone, and UCB Theater NY favorite Nick Kroll, a comedian I have featured in a past post. At least some struggling artist gets to eat this month.

Can writers put a fresh spin on an exhausted concept? Can good acting save a tired script? Can sarcastic cavemen be funny? Let's not give up hope...

Top Six Foods That Make Life Better

In response to a recent msn.com article that showcases the top six foods that reduce the risk of getting cancer (and also have other health benefits), I am posting the other six unsung heroes that get us through our daily lives.

Sure the pomegranate may look enticing, but my tongue has TASTEbuds, not ANTI-OXIDANTbuds. When I want something fruity and ruby-colored, I reach for a red Fruit Roll-up. It's chewy, its peel comes off easier (plastic), and best of all, no seeds.


The kiwi fruit is celebrated for "lowering blood clot risk", but I find that ironic considering my lips bleed every time I kiss one. That thing has a five o'clock shadow that says, "Back off! I'm not into you!" Listen people, when I want something fruity and emerald-colored, I reach for a green Fruit Roll-up. But you probably knew that.


Barley made the list. Brown, boring, I-can't-play-because-it-might-aggravate-my-asthma barley. Apparently it decreases your blood sugar and insulin levels, but it does NOTHING for a salad. In fact, it will put you off salad for life (remember in Lost Boys? "You're eating maggots Michael. How do they taste?") My wheat-based alternative? Bac'n Bits. They're essentially pork-flavored Grape Nuts, and they can be sprinkled on mac n cheese, tater salad, and actual bacon. Which is more than I can say for barley.

The cranberry eradicates E.Coli and helps prevent strokes. But you have to dry the thing beyond recognition to get it to taste good. Then you have to call it a craisin so people think of raisins instead of what it really is. My alternative to cranberries: Anything that's not a cranberry.

Together with certain enzymes, broccoli sprouts kill cancer cells or keep them from growing. That's pretty impressive, but if I had to rank tiny green vegetables, it would still fall way beneath chives. The green specs on my potato chip that tell me I can relax and enjoy Girlfriends, because they'll take over from here. So tasty.

While Kefir helps reduce food allergies, it is sour milk, and a drink--not a food. So I thought I would promote my drink of choice. I sip it throughout the day, and it provides me with all of the minerals I need. It is office fountain water. It helps boost my immunity to various airborne diseases and eavesdrop on what's going on in the ladies' room. Fountains are next to bathrooms by sheer coincidence. Just because the water pressure goes down every time someone flushes it doesn't mean toilets and fountains are linked. Just shut up!


Here's to a long and happy life of wondering why you're so tired all the time and how come arms get flab where the tricep used to be.

My Demographic

(This photo has been removed. But it was a pic of a lovely young girl who saw my set and took a pic with me afterwards.)

Kids.

They come to my shows, they do their hair like me, they tell their friends. Are there any people who can appreciate my comedy OVER the age of 9?

Thanks to Carolyn for the shot of the cutie! And the kid looks nice too.

Starbucks to Humans: Comply

Love it or hate it, Starbucks have been planted around the U.S. to spy on innocent civilians, suck their brains out and return them to the world as automatons.

I got my own cup of "Fourbucks" (as my friend calls it, since that's how much you spend each time you go) just to delight in their series of real-people quotations called, "The Way I See It".

The Way I See It #253
A mature person is one who can say: My parents may have made some mistakes raising me, but they did the best they could: now it's up to me.
Shannon from Ann Arbor, MI

Then I noticed the bizarre disclaimer at the bottom:
This is the author's opinion, not necessarily that of Starbucks.

Maybe Starbucks is embarrassed by Shannon's overzealous use of colons. Maybe Starbucks still resents its parents and isn't ready to forgive. Whatever the reason for the proviso, why invite people to share their wisdom only to discredit it instantly? Then they go on to brag about their environmental impact:

First-ever 10% post-consumer fiber cup
60% post-consumer fiber sleeve

Ooh, a whopping TEN percent in the cup? Must be what lines the inside, and that's why my drink tastes like garbage once it's cold. Just how much post-consumer fiber is in your plastic lid?

The Way I See It #387
Starbucks planted a microchip in your eyeball to make you think it is acceptable to see identical coffee shops existing across the street from one another. Their drinks contain a chemical compound that serves to both block the fight or flight response, keeping you at your cubicle and also numbs your ears to light rock.

They're Checkin' Out My Savoir Faire

Ru Paul said it best: It don't matter what you wear.

But Eddie Murphy told me you can't trust a drag queen.

I was recently interviewed along with a whole shoebox-full of other funny women for an article written by the fabulous Giulia Rozzi on Hello Hilarious. In "Stylin' Stand Ups", Giulia muses:

...there is no reason why funny can’t be fashionable. What we wear is an expression of ourselves, and what is stand-up but an expression of ourselves on stage? We may not grace the covers of Vogue or shop at Henri Bendel but stand-up comediennes do have style.

I feel bad that I do nothing to support her theory. My closet--which wobbles because it is made of canvas and holds but fifty hangers-- is comprised of beiges, tans and grays. In the article I praise bright colors and sleek jeans, but the picture of me shows a Target t-shirt and oatmeal corduroys. I also talk about how I wish women wouldn't try to dress younger, and I should point out, the Target shirt came from the Little Miss section.

I'm hoping with my next stand-up check I can buy a clue, and figure out how to win the audience over first by sight instead of having to do it by begging. I mean jokes.

Leading and Emerging Since 1982

As Impact's Emerging Leader for the ENTIRE month of May, 2007, I hereby declare my office cubicle available for autographs.

It has the history of when and why I came to NYC (hitch hiking phase) my education (Professional Careers Institute) and also includes my volunteer work (stealing neighbor's junk mail). In sum, it is the first published expose about me ever. And best of all, it exposes nothing.

The blurb also features my "colleague" Luke Thayer. Now I have something to call him when we're fighting.
"Hey Abbi, how's your boyfriend doing?"
--My colleague is fine, thank you.
"Uh oh, trouble in paradise?"
--Well...I just don't know how I can get anything done with incompetent fools working around me!

Impact is a site that heightens awareness of how get involved in the world around you.

Special thanks to the Impact team for bestowing such an honor!
This series will continue with a new Emerging Leader being highlighted each month. If you have someone that you would like to see receive the acknowledgement, please email: impactdc@gmail.com

Sitting Down with the N-word

For months, James Lipton, Barbara Walters, and Oprah Winfrey have all been vying for an exclusive interview with America’s hottest taboo word. Considering himself available to all kinds of people, The N-word granted a simultaneous interview on May 1, 2007. Curly Comedy brings the transcript of that interview, as the decision on whether and when to air the televised event is pending the approval of the same committee that vetoed O.J.’s book promotion.

James Lipton: Mr. N-word--

N-word: You can call me nig**r.

Lipton: No…I can’t. Literary greats like Mark Twain and Charles Dickens used your name in their acclaimed novels…and yet, today, politicians, parents and Paul Mooney are calling for your abolishment. Why are you so unpopular?

N-word: I’d say I’m very popular. This is my time! I’m in the news, I’m at comedy clubs, I’m in all the good music. I unite people both for me and against.


Barbara Walters: But life has been hard for you, hasn’t it?

N-word: You are not going to make me cry, Barbara. (Takes a moment). Whew. Yeah, I guess you could say I had it rough. For a while only white people supported me, but I knew I was more versatile than that. Then the black community finally came around. I tell you, they’re REALLY making up for lost time.

Walters: You haven’t been continuously popular with blacks.

N-word: Well..no. I had a pretty bad set-back with Richard Pryor going to Africa and all. I’ve had to change the way I spell my name just to remind people of how fun I am to sing and how important I am for communication. Like, you know what you say when you want to tell someone about what a good friend you have? You say, “That’s my—

Lipton: Male partner?

N-word: No.


Walters: Make-up artist?

N-word: No.

Lipton: Oh, I know. Dawg?


Walters: Bro-cheezy?

Lipton: Homey-Dawg?

Oprah: N***A! You say, “That’s my n***a” for crying out loud. Look. You have done nothing in the past decades but divide people and oppress them. You hide behind the pretext of camaraderie but you continue to desecrate a culture. You are an affront to education and self-respect! You were born at an ugly time in history, and you should have ended when it did.

N-word: Is this about the time I couldn’t come to your Gala?

Lipton: With all due respect, Ms. Winfrey, slavery may be over, but racism is still alive.

N-word: Here here!

Lipton: I’m not condoning it.

N-word: Oh.


Barbara: I'm with James on this one. I hardly think that the N-word is responsible for the continuation of racism in society. What about ch**k and k**e and w*p and b****r or stupid m*****n?

N-word: How do you know about them?


Barbara: They’re all a part of my housekeeping staff. Except for k**e. He’s my accountant.

Oprah: We haven’t even begun to discuss the stereotypical implications.

N-word: Well, we gotta finish this up, because I’m late for a rap video.


Walters: In ten years, where do you see yourself?

N-word: On billboards. After I'm done being condemned, I’ll be prohibited, I’ll be forgotten, and then later remembered as funny. I’ll be HUGE.

Lipton: If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

N-word: Sorry they don’t need you down there anymore. Meet skadoo and manna and American Idol.

Oprah: You’re a rotten son of a b****.

B-word: Did somebody call me?