SPANK You Very Much

On Thurs Jan 13, 2011 at 6:30PM I will debut a solo show at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater:

Not Getting It: Rejection and Resilient Ignorance

On a quest to salvage her ratings, life coach-turned-TV personality Dr. Newberry invites her viewers to participate in a slogan-writing contest. The responses range from death threats to epithets and she couldn't be more honored.

Dr. Newberry is a character I've been performing in the city, and you might be suprised to see which people make up her regular viewing public (hint: other characters I've been performing in the city). Here's a sneak preview to see her in action: clickable link to VIDEO of Dr. Newberry

Directed by the fabulous Kate Tellers

SPANK at UCB Theater
Admission: $5

UCB Theater NY
307 W. 26th Street
New York, NY 10001
212-366-9176

Enter Doofus

You know those great commercials where a couple is giving a testimonial to the viewers at home, and a sales associate is standing there calmly? You sit at home and think, "They could replace that person with a giant fern and I wouldn't miss him/her". Well picture me as the fern, doing the following at an audition:

Take one:
The couple announces they tried shopping elsewhere for furniture, and then they came to my store for the better price. There's silence. I'm four feet away, looking at them stand together.

Director: You're supposed to enter the frame to stand next to them and read your line, Abbi.
Me: Oh, right. I thought they would walk back over to me. Even though you explained that I would walk to them. I thought the camera would pan back to where we were all standing at first. But I got it now.

Take two:
The couple says they came to my store for the better price. I walk in and look at the cue card and say, "I told them we have the best deals in town," then I look away from the card at the couple and blank so I add, "...all the right stuff. All the right stuff."

Director: Remember to look at the camera, not the cue card when you say your line. And please say the whole line correctly. And don't repeat a line that's not even on the cue card.
Me: Oh yeah, I will. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to be married to the script or not. Because I started reading it directly, but I wanted to sound natural, so I winged it by reading what I thought it should say. Okay I will just look at the camera the whole time.

Take three:
The couple starts to talk and I walk in and say, "I told them we have the best deals...oh you're not done talking. IDIOT!" I slap my forehead and back out.

Director: Well that's the first time I've heard someone shout, "Idiot!" at one of these things.
Me: Yes, I don't know what's wrong with me, hahaha! Oh no, now I've got the giggles! (To actress) You were talking, and I interruped. I should have waited my turn!
Actress: (glares)
Me: Hahahaha, okay, so this time you guys go first HAHAHA!
Couple: (glares)

The fourth take, I nailed it. If by "nailed it" you understand that I faced the camera but read the line incorrectly again. I also threw in emphatic hand gestures to convey what a great deal this couple was getting. This made me burst out laughing again.

At the elevator, I started to chat up the guy of the couple with, "You'd think it was brain surgery in there!" He gave a pursed-lips smile, got on his phone and turned his back to me.

Fight Night

As if we aren't already aware of how busy we are, my husband Luke and I can't have real fights unless they're penciled into our agendas.



Look out Holihans!



I have my thing before the dinner so let's do it afterwards...does that work for you?



See you then!

You Need a Time Out (NY)

Tonight's show F-word: Feminism, Funny & Fearless has been
featured in Time Out NY!

Show your support for Paradigm Shift --the largest feminist community group in New York City--at tonight's fundraiser, featuring a silent auction and performances by comedians Jen Dziura...and Jessica Delfino.

(...and Abbi Crutchfield.) <--I added that part.

See you at Angels and Kings tonight Thurs Dec 9 at 7:00PM. Bring your throat spray because I predict a lot of hooting and hollering!

Photo credit: newyork.timeout.com

Feminism For Fun

Together with some fabulous comics I'll be on an amazing comedy show by Paradigm Shift, NYC's hardest-working feminist activism group.

In anticipation of our contribution as empowered performers and general buffoons, Michelle Gonzalez interviewed Jessica Delfino, Jen Dziura, Hadiya Robinson, Leah King and yours truly.

Here's my take on what the audience can expect from the show F-word: Feminism, Funny and Fearless:

Firstly, a frightfully fast and furious frenzy of freaky femme fatales! For friendly fun, fear not! Five fabulous females share feel-good fairy tales for a few dollars! Finally, forty flopping flounders fight fifty flying fish for a fiefdom of figs. Phew! (Also a raucous night of comedy...).

Check it out here!

See you at the show!

This Thursday, December 9th, from 7 to 10 pm, head to Angels & Kings @ 500 East 11th Street between Avenue A and B for “F-Word: Feminism, Funny & Fearless! A Fundraiser for Paradigm Shift NYC.”

You are De Nominator!

So you're a little tentative about Twitter and you just don't get what all the fuss is about. Follow me on Twitter for a great introduction to how much fun the site can be. Follow me on Facebook to see these tweets appear in your News Feed. Clicking on them will take you to my wall where you can chime in with a LIKE or your own hilarious two cents!

Then after all that, you can decide that I merit a nomination or vote in the ECNY awards for Outstanding Achievement in the field of Tweeting! Go here for that.

Let the raucous 140-character shenanigans begin!

(Now go back and read this entire post over in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.)

When Taking Your Vitamins

Just wanted to remind you guys to control your fish burps.

Get on the BioBus

Check out this fun new science video for kids I'm in by Irreverent Films. Made it a few months back. Worth the wait!


Directed by Laura Newman. Featuring Hunter Cain. Production by Paul Rondeau and Jeff Ashworth (remember them from the Judge Sassy video?) and makeup by Lindsey Zelli.

More All-Female Comedy Shows in NYC

While Ladybits gears up for 2011 (Rocky-style, pulling logs in Russia and stuff), you can enjoy comedy from women on OTHER shows. Like these!

Her-Larious
Tues Nov 30 at 8:00PM
The Sullivan Room (218 Sullivan Street, NYC 10012)
$15 (purchase tix at the door)

Amy Beckerman's inaugural show has an awesome lineup:

Adrienne Iapalucci
Cara Kilduff
Mindy Raf
Amy Albert
Irene Bremis

I'm on the following:

F-Word: Feminism, Funny & Fearless
A fundraiser for Paradigm Shift NYC
Thurs Dec 9, 7:00PM
Angels and Kings (500 E. 11th St, NYC 10009)
$25 students / pre-paid, $30 door
Invite friends on Facebook to this event

And catch me in Arlington Virginia on the Comedy Supreme show!
Sat Nov 20, 7:30PM and again at 10:00PM
Pizzeria Venti (301 John Carlyle St, 22314)
$15

On the Road Again

It is a very heavy responsibility to tickle everyone in Brooklyn, and not one that I take lightly. That's why I'm going to the central source: Tickle Me Brooklyn show at Linger Cafe and Lounge. These people know how to do it right. Come and watch like a medical student at a surgery.

Tickle Me Brooklyn at Linger Cafe and Lounge
533 Atlantic Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11217
Date: Thurs Nov 18
Time: 8:00PM
Cost: FREE

On Saturday I will take my tickling expertise to the mean streets of Alexandria Virginia for Comedy Supreme! An all-female lineup of East Coast comedy all-stars.

Comedy Supreme! at Pizzeria Venti
301 John Carlyle St
Alexandria, VA 22314
Date: Sat Nov 20
Time: 7:30PM and again at 10:00PM
Cost: $15

Photo credit:
scrapetv.com

Today I'd Like You to Think About Four Loko

My news channels have been demonizing this drink so often it will be off the shelves before I can try it. And I want to try it! I just haven't had a family event I'd like to ruin. I don't get the combination. Caffeinated alcohol? The times I've needed an energy drink, it was inconvenient to also be drunk (office at 3PM) and the times I've wanted to unwind with a brewski, I don't want to be hyper (Jeopardy at 8PM).

The news is really cramping my style. They've used up every pun in the book, except for the glaring one--that this is FOR LOCO people. Once they've played that trump card, I'm sure there will be nothing left but Arizona cans that beggars spike with whiskey.

Catch a Rising Staaaaaar

Great show you should check out tonight!



Don't go expecting to see Beyonce tumble down stairs. That's Catch a Falling Star.
Don't go expecting to see Gilbert Arenas. That's Catch a Shooting Star.
This is Catch a RISING Star. And if you're just finishing watching a taping of The Late Show with David Letterman or ending your shift at Strawberry or hiding from the Times Square cops, ducking into Broadway Comedy Club is a good idea. And you'll get the added bonus of my jokes!

Catch! National Auditions
Broadway Comedy Club
318 W. 53rd St, 10019
Thurs Nov 11, 7PM

Brushes with Celebrity (Impersonations)

Performed as Sarah Silverman on Schtick or Treat last week. I had a blast! Mindy Tucker (of With Reservation) took such great photos I posted mine on Twitter. Then, to my geeky delight, Ms. Silverman herself gave it her nod of approval!

Speaking of attention from celebrities, I heard Steve Buscemi admired my obscure Halloween costume of "Dionne Warwick on Hollywood Squares" while I marched in the annual Halloween parade in Park Slope. I missed him because I am a big shot, but I turned around and saw him enjoying the rest of the parade in his baseball cap.

Do you hear that plopping sound? That's me name-dropping.


Here's Dionne up close. The secret to her unique nostrils is buttons.

Other Halloween weekend festivities included a costume party, a clothing exchange at my place, pumpkin-carving, the toasting of pumpkin seeds, the hotting of chocolate, and the watching of the new Nightmare on Elm Street. I can't top this year, so next year I plan to join a religion that does not permit me to celebrate the holiday. I'll take your suggestions in the comments section.

Schtick or Treat 2010

The Halloween fun continues! Halloween is like my Christmas. I want to celebrate it all month long and ignorantly wish good tidings to the people who don't observe it.

For the 3rd Annual Schtick or Treat I am deciding AGAINST shaving my head and wearing dude clothes as Robert Schimmel and instead am buying a ponytail weave and wearing dude clothes so I can impersonate Sarah Silverman. To prepare, I have read her new book The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee, and I will re-live the magic of "Jesus Is Magic" by watching clips of that on YouTube (since someone has borrowed my dvd copy). Ultimately, I will look like Sade, sound like Downtown Julie Brown, and be gone in 2 minutes. But do you expect anything LESS than butt-tingling entertainment from this smooth operator?



Schtick or Treat, Wed Oct 27, 7:30PM
Arlene's Grocery, 95 Stanton St, 10002
FREE

Be There or Be Scared!

Tonight is The Living Room Show's 5th Annual Halloween Scare-avaganza!

Let's look at years past...



In 2006 I made the topical choice of going as US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Luke went as James Brolin as Pee-Wee Herman. Since these are so obscure, I'll give you their actual likeness.


NAILED IT. The only other person to dress up was my sister who went as Condoleezza's lesser-known sister, Condosleezza with a mullet wig and fishnet stockings, because my family is awesome.



In 2007 I went as a cabbage patch (the black one with blond hair that never sold well) and Luke went as John McEnroe. That year, the baristas joined in the costume fun and the one audience member who dressed up won a prize!



In 2008 I returned to celebrity impersonations and went as Kathy Griffin. I have no idea what Luke was supposed to be. But what a phantom-tastic turnout of costumed creeps! Comics and audience dressed up and were given prestigious awards.

In 2009 I held down the fort solo and took all the pics (which explains why they're not uploaded one year later). I dressed as a victim of the Bubonic Plague. Had the Elizabethan dress and wig, zombie facepaint and the creepiness was exacerbated by the fact that NO ONE ELSE DRESSED FOR HALLOWEEN.

So let's do this fifth one right! Oh yes, there WILL be prizes.

Rick Younger hosts
Dave Angelo
Jenna Brister
Dave Waite
Harry Terjanian
Luke Thayer

with sketch by me

The Living Room Show
Fri Oct 22, 8:00PM
Postmark Cafe - 326 6th St, 11215
FREE

LadyBits - Episode 2

Click here for more great photos by our in-house photog Lorna on Flickr.

Our second performance at the dark and lovely Cornelia St. Cafe brought Leah Dubie, Amanda Baramki, Giulia Rozzi and the musical stylings of Jen Kwok! Not to mention our biggest fan Asa and a crowd of comedy-loving goons.

We are still looking for a permanent home. While we shop around, we won't be having any shows, so stay tuned. You can catch Jen and me representing Ladybits on other all-female shows:

Sat Nov 20, 7:30PM
Lady Show in DC (part of an All-Female Festival)
brought to you by Hillary Buckholtz

Thurs Dec 9, 7:00PM
F-Word: Feminism, Funny and Fearless
Angels and Kings, 500 E. 11th St, 10009
Jen and I co-host this fundraiser for Paradigm Shift NYC with Leah King, Jessy Delfino, Jena Friedman.

Interested in learning more about Ladybits? Look no further than our dazzling website: www.ladybitscomedy.com!

Photo credit: Lorna Keuning

Tell it Girl

One of my tweets is featured this week on The Gloss's Lady Comedians Tell It Like It Is. But which one? Click here to find it out!

Special Thanks to the good people at TheGloss.com!

Feeling a litle out of the loop? Follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/curlycomedy

Late Night Republic

There's a fun show that I got to be a part of recently called Late Night Republic. It's hosted by comedy boy wonder-turned-man wonder Jake Sasseville and features lots of NYC's top funny talent*. I contributed as an on-the-street correspondent. Despite the serious Ann Curry face I have when asking questions, I giggled a lot that day.

My segment is at 9:35-11:00, sandwiched between two hilarious bits by Giulia Rozzi and Katina Corrao. (Both funny females have been on The Living Room Show and Positively Awesome, and Giulia was a part of the first lineup for the return of Ladybits, my three favorite shows in the city. For more details on them there thangs click to the right. )

Clicka the link to rolla da clip:

Late Night Republic: Season 1 Episode 10

*Other featured performers include Brandy Barber, Sara Jo Alloco and Victor Varnado!

Wholesome

I went apple-picking with my husband recently.



We ate all the apples we picked so we only had to pay for one when we checked out. What? They WANT you to do this!



There was a lovely couple selling pumpkins but they weren't coordinated enough to hand mine to me, so I left it there. They probably couldn't count my change anyway.

Your Week of Weeks

Sun Sept 26
Comedy Dungeon, 8:30PM at Jazz on the Park
37 W. 106th St
FREE

Mon Sept 27
JFK Sat Here, 7:30PM at Parkside Lounge
317 E. Houston St, 10017
1 drink

Tues Sept 28
Positively Awesome, 8:00PM at Cellar 58 (rated top pick by Best New York Comedy)
58 2nd Ave, 10003
FREE

Yorkville Stoops to Nuts Podcast, 9:00PM at Giovanna's Restaurant
1567 Lexington Ave
(Listening is FREE)

Wed Sept 29
BrewHouse Comedy, 8:30PM at Astoria Brewhouse
2850 31st Street, Astoria, NY 11102
FREE

Thurs Sept 30
Yo' Pro Variety Show, 7:30PM at The Little Church
1 E. 29th St (btwn 5th and Madison), 10016
$10 donation

Fri Oct 1
Gotham Comedy Showcase, 6:00PM at Gotham Comedy Club
208 W. 23rd St, 10011
1 drink

Rich Jackson's Show, 8:00PM at Shetler Studios (Shetler One)
244 W. 54th St #12, 10019

Sat Oct 2
Kaboom!, 10:00PM at O'Hanlon's
349 E. 14th St (btwn 1st and 2nd ave)
$5 cover

Sun Oct 3
Will probably come home to find my place robbed, squatted in, refurnished, abandoned and robbed again.


I'm SO TIRED.

Hotitude and Hunkitude

Hotitude: is the angular distance in degrees north or south from general hotness
Hunkitude: is the angular distance in degrees east or west of the Prime Hunk Meridian.

Remember when Keifer Sutherland played "Ace", the handsome--but let's be honest, frightening--bully from Stand By Me?



To quote Dan Marino in Pet Detective: you're a weird guy Ace.

Are You Stretching Properly?

(Images via Meta Penca/BNPS)

Things That Jiggle for $300 Alex

What is YOUR BELLY? From laughing during tonight's show.

Look, I don't know who's reading this blog...maybe the President, maybe the Queen of England, maybe the Pope. My stat-counter says an average of three people a day, so those are my best guesses.

But whoever sees this must know they have stumbled onto a very important piece of information. Tonight at 8:00PM I am returning my comedy show back to the good people of Brooklyn.

The Living Room Show. Maybe you've heard of it. You're thinking of Living Room the rock venue on the Lower East Side. I'm talking about the small coffee shop comedy show that has brought you NYC's best stand-up and sketch artists (including improv and musical comedy and ventriloquists) since June 9, 2006 for FREE. We have been there every 2nd and 4th Friday, (except during summer breaks when we work as carnies) and have never had to cancel a show yet.

Postmark Cafe (326 6th Street, 11215)
Keith Alberstadt
Luke Thayer
Sam Morril
Calise Hawkins
characters by Abbi Crutchfield
sketch by Matt McCarthy and Katina Corrao

There's always a familiar face, always a new face, and always a man without a face.


See you tonight!

So You Think You Can Pants

Here is something for you to read the next time you shop at the mall and then treat yourself to ice cream.

From an article in Esquire, Abram Sauer's Are Your Pants Lying To You? An Investigation:

This isn't the subjective business of mediums, larges and extra-larges — nor is it the murky business of women's sizes, what with its black-hole size zero. This is science, damnit. Numbers! Should inches be different than miles per hour? Do highway signs make us feel better by informing us that Chicago is but 45 miles away when it's really 72? Multiplication tables don't yield to make us feel better about badness at math; why should pants make us feel better about badness at health? Are we all so many emperors with no clothes?

Nice to know men and women share the struggle. Thanks to Chris over at Cynical-C for finding this.

If I Had Made Inspector Gadget, The Movie

I would have cast Ted Levine as Chief Quimby.

Today I'd Like You To Think About Spokespeople

Bid on the Guard Shack

Don't write to my friend Chris by mistake. He totally takes to heart the e-mails that are sent to him in error.

From an e-mail exchange I can only assume is among a bunch of condo committee members that have nothing better to do than think about how to move money around:

Jane writes:

Well, guys, the bid from AR reads like this:

Repair damage to Guard House at Front Entrance, including moving building back to original footprint. Repairing damaged wood and door jambs. Repairing damaged metal roof. All material and labor included. Does not include painting. $2800.00

Talk to me.....

Connie replies:

I really think this is an expense we do not need. I just can't see the value in putting that much money into the Guard House. Just my opinion........

Then Chris adds his two cents:

I wonder if we'll think much of Connie's frugality when the mole people finally emerge from their underground sugar caves with their pet chupacabras and birkenstocks and find us vulnerable to their attacks because we didn't spend the extra money on a guard house. If anything we should be digging moats. I for one will not be a part of Connie's recreation of the Munich agreement.

Then the real Chris--the one who was originally supposed to be included--answers:

Hello All: I am not sure who Chris at (my buddy's e-mail) is and why he replied to correspondence concerning the guard shack. My email address is (something else). May I suggest that we utilize another, new, email concerning this matter.

UPDATE:

Someone didn't like a non-committee member weighing in on their all-too-important decisions:

You have way too much time on your hands. This was not nearly as clever as you think you think it was. The "guardshack" is decorative and does not actually have a guard in it. Go back to sleep moron.

Luckily, I have located a picture of the Guard Shack to further educate Chris.



Although I really think he has a point about the underground sugar caves.