Monday, April 7, 2008

No Whammies


Marc Summers of Double Dare, Jenny McCarthy of Singled Out, David Ruprecht of Supermarket Sweep. These are just a few names on the list of great hosts in history. Tonight, I am about to join that list. Not as a television game show host (audible disappointment from my stuffed animals) but as a stand-in for Ms. Jennifer Dziura at Pete’s Candy Store, a comedy show in Williamsburg, NY. I guess it is more accurate to say I am joining the list of Lisa Ling* Susan Lucci**and Sarah Chalke***as replacements to the real deal, but if it was good enough for Michael Ian Black****, it’s good enough for me.

Pinch hitting is a great honor in the world of stand-up. It says, “I am trusted to handle a show on my own, but if I screw it up, the public will place blame on the show itself, and only the actual host will bear the shame”. On this particular night, I am responsible for purchasing and passing out sweets, as is the tradition and theme of this show. I am debating between carob and raisins (nature’s candy) or fruit-flavored Calcium chews.

Monday Evening Stand Up at Pete’s
709 Lorimer St (L train to Lorimer)
7:30PM
Free show, free candy

Starring Jamie Lee, Kyle Supley, Jimmy Wohl, Charles Star, and Adam Newman!

I leave you with a brief analysis of all past hosts of Family Feud and their proper substitute:

Richard Dawson - made out with each guest on camera and fell victim to the polyester leisure suit era. Best stand-in: Burt Reynolds

Ray Combs - for my money, this was the best host the show ever had. Maybe he’s just the first one I remember so he stands out as the “original”. I like ‘em short, peppy, and sweet. Best stand-in: Lucky the Leprechaun

Louie Anderson - set the precedent that even someone uncharismatic, unattractive and uncomfortable could host on the grounds that he was funny in the 80s. Did you send your thank you note, Drew Carey? I have nothing against these men as stand-ups, but you have to have pizzazz if you are going to hold my attention at 11:30AM on a weekday! Where’s Mike
Brady’s perm when you need it? Oh, on the Brady Bunch, which is a channel-flip away. Best stand-in: A bowl of oatmeal from an episode of Facts of Life.

Richard Karn - Darn you, typecasting! He read well and had a likeable face, but overall I always thought I was watching a cross-over episode of Home Improvement. Survey says? X Best stand-in: Jaleel White

John O’Hurley - the caliber of a Dick Clark, but five decades too late. Something tells me he would have had a great career selling Beech Nut Gum. “You can taste the difference quality makes! And now back to our regular installment of The Shoeshine and the Case of the Missing Ice Box.” Best stand-in: Orson Welles, pre-Technicolor.

*The View, not Channel 1. But remember Channel 1? Awww. Kid news.
**Live! With Regis and Kelly
***the fake Becky on Roseanne
****guest hosted on The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn before Craig Ferguson came on the scene.

2 comments:

Ian said...

You are amazing. And the next time I'm at the checkout counter and I hear the beep, not only will I think of the fun I could have on Supermarket Sweep- I will think of the wonder that is Abbi Crutchfield.

STOP!
STOP, on $250 and a blender!

Hurray!

Abbi said...

LOLOL. Ian knows the value of the twelve-pound Butterball turkeys. Look at how they are tossed into the cart! But what's going on around the corner? Abbi has filled up a miniature bag of coffee, while her partner (wearing an identical sweater) grabbed a giant inflatable replica of paper towels. That should be worth something...