I Ain’t Sayin’ He’s a Gold Digger

Yes I am.

It looks like our President’s inability to produce sons isn’t the curse from the devil he once thought it was. By having daughters he can still guarantee a legacy in the White House by making sure they marry people like him. The pressed-down helmet hair with side-part, the monkey ears, the inexplicable attraction to The Joker…

From the news programs I’ve watched, the wedding is assumed to showcase the family as real people. Possible. There is no doubt in my mind the wedding party will get smashed, there will be chicken fingers at the reception, and some bald, fat guy will make a special appearance on the dance floor.


They also say first daughters who wed are often regarded as princesses. I’d be careful with the terminology, because usually when people aren’t happy with their king, things don’t go well…

"Tu m’étonnes." (“Word.”)

(I raise a bottle of root beer)

So congratulations to Jenna Bush and Henry Hager.

(I take a swig)

BUUUUUUUUURP.