I Dodge Songs Not Tragedies

Let's tell it like it is. My Glory Days were in grade school. Anyone who ever participated in Field Day, specifically in the category of the sprint, knows that I was the fastest kid in school for two straight years. Fast forward a couple of decades, and I suck at sports. Recently I was given the chance to reclaim my title and athletic prowess by playing dodge ball. I promptly squandered the opportunity and spent most of the night eating the free brownies on the sidelines.


NEVERTHELESS, I recommend this activity to everyone who hates sports. My cowardice and lack of coordination became my best assets. Dodgeball involves scrambling like a nervous cat. It entails screaming and hiding behind strong people. It's the only sport where you don't stand out when you flail wildly and lose a shoe in the process.

Afterwards you can take "action shots" of yourself while everyone in the background stands around.


As with any exercise in a gymnasium, I ended the night by squeaking my tennis shoes on the floor in an attempted moon walk, then I yanked my pants up to do round-offs and cartwheels. Concerned, my friend Marge tried to get my attention discreetly. "Abbi, you have major camel toe..."
--"I KNOW!" It's impossible to ignore. All in all, a fun time. I even got to play along side one Vincent M., who schooled me in the art of dead pan sideline banter.


I'll hip you to the next tournament so you can prep. Bring your Payless shoes, your granny panties, and an appetite for sweets, so you can play dodgeball like yours truly.

Noose to Me

In this CNN.com article, several employees file suit with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission against their employer--"Willie"--who allegedly hung a noose in the workplace.

Where's Matlock when you need him? The defendant's lawyer blurts, "My client's first marriage for 17 years was to an African-American woman. So I don't think he's racist."

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I give you...

The Top Ten Reasons Willie’s First Marriage Failed

10.He ended conversations with, "I can say that because my wife’s black".



9. Every February he would whine, “How come there’s no White History Month?”




8. He laughed all through Roots.



7. He prefers to work MLK, Jr. Day, “As a matter of principle”.



6. For Halloween parties, he would suggest going as Jefferson and Hemmings




5. When his wife drove, he sat in the back seat.



4. He often referred to his employees as, “Damn dirty apes”.




3. Confederate Flag boxer shorts.



2. He watched Monster’s Ball to get in the mood.



1. 17th Anniversary gag gift: noose necklace.



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How DO I Do It?

I have had a busy week these past few days. Open mics, an audition, producing duties for the Living Room, writing sketches for a show I’m in on Saturday, preparing a Living Room Original Presentation (see the exclusive unveiling this Friday!)
Somehow…SOMEhow, I still find the time to make my house a complete mess. A filthy, disgusting—I have a spoon glued to my stove with Velveeta cheese. There are pants wearing pants on my sofa and dvds serving as paperweights to countless Au Bon Pain receipts (you never know when a restaurant chain will audit you). It's not easy leaving it there, memorizing that car keys are under the pile of Christmas cards by the basket of wigs (not to be confused with the identical basket of magazines that has one shoe in it). But I manage. Because you CAN do it all, Ladies!

Making History Over Here

For the first time in history, two black coaches are going to lead teams to the Super Bowl! This is just like the first time in history that two black actors won the Best Oscars at the Academy Awards that one year. Does any black comedian want to join me in being the first two black bloggers to document two black people doing something in a way that two other black people did? Does any black comedian read my blog?

Send In Your Art! No. 2

It really worked! Thanks, Phil in Indiana, for your submission. I'm not sure this counts as a portrait, but it's the closest thing to an entry I've received.


Luke in New York also tried his hand at a portrait of the portrait that "Fan in D.C." made.


I am truly moved.

Readers, we want to keep that artwork coming! The 2007 Portrait Contest won't be closed for a good while...

DEADLINE IS AUGUST 1, 2007
...so submit whatever you like whenever you like. As many of you know, Abbi's favorite thing to paint is portraits. If your favorite thing is Abbi, bring the two together! What a great combo; like salt and pepper or a 55 year old farmer in Nebraska and halitosis.

But what do you WIN? The comedian/artist herself will paint YOUR portrait if you are selected as the grand prize winner. Because an art exchange like this hasn't happened since that old guy did your caricature at the Baltimore Aquarium.

Send In Your Art! No. 1

Hey gang! We are now accepting submissions to the 2007 Portrait contest. As many of you know, Abbi's favorite thing to paint is portraits.


If your favorite thing is Abbi, bring the two together! What a great combo; like chocolate and peanutbutter or hairnets and actors pretending to work in cereal factories.

This first entry was submitted by a fan from Washington, DC (A.K.A. Abbi's sister).

But what do you WIN? The comedian/artist herself will paint YOUR portrait if you are selected as the grand prize winner. We'll post her work here soon. It's good.

E-mail your scanned drawing, etching, painting, sculpture, or macaroni art to: curlycomedy@yahoo.com

DEADLINE IS AUGUST 1, 2007

Drawings and paintings of Tracee Ellis Ross are also accepted.

Yours truly,

Mike Sullivan

President of Abbi's CurlyComedy Blog 2007 Portrait Contest

(not to be confused with the kid in grade school who once told Abbi no one could ever draw her because her giant, buckteeth would not fit on a page)

Coats for Comedians

Radio Free NY is working on launching a video podcast series this winter and one of their segments is called the "60-second Bug Off". I got to tape one last October talking about what really REALLY bugs me. Why don't we start with my jacket? It was freezing that day, and this is the best I could do. Is it so hard to buy a coat? I'd have a trendy one by now if I weren't so cheap. I saw one of those long ones filled with goose feathers and with a real, fur-lined hood (possibly squirrel?) that came with a tag that said, Compare to $345.00 Should I? Or are they trying to psyche me out? Compare to five hundred dollars. Just compare. How about a trip to Hawaii? This is much cheaper.

Every Time I Try To Watch Football

This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.
This is our country.This is our country.

Evolution of Tastiness

Dear McDonalds,
In about five years, nobody will want McGriddles anymore because of a classic culinary combination adopted by your rivals that will sweep the nation. Fried chicken and waffles. Fortunately, I have a plan to maintain the integrity of your delicious breakfast while riding the trend train: the nuggets and flapjacks basket. You will call them Breakfast Bites, and they will sell for $3.69.

I know you're not a Basket Restaurant, but a cardboard box can be transformed into one if holes are cut in a lattice pattern on the lid. You stamp M's on the miniature pancakes, the nuggets stay the same, and you have delivered to the public the new best friend they never knew they wanted. Syrup dipping sauce will come on the side. I am sure that you will be glad to include my likeness (wearing a chef's hat) in the advertisements.

Sincerely,
Abbi Crutchfield

We're All Old

I recently performed in a show that had the laughs in the right places but an overall sense of "Huh?" from the audience. This could be because I was not on my A-game that night, or it could be attributed to the fact that a lot of the crowd was young and male. If I were a college comic the room would have rocked with hoots and spilled beer. But instead, the candles on the tables flickered periodically from chuckles, and I was unsure of whether my Alan Thicke references would be properly savored.

Dear youthful crowd,
I don't want to let an age gap between us intimidate me because no matter who you are, there is someone younger than you. You know how you think you're awesome because you scored a fake id? Try to rock a pair of Heely's. Hear that? It's the sound of your youth whizzing by.

If you don't think you're old yet you will. It happens by accident. Your eyes trail from the comics to the electronics ads. Then they see a picture of a politician. Then they read the article! You think,Stop. Go back to reading the comics. Sigh, these jokes are so...unfulfilling. Wait, I mean they suck. Yeah. These comics suck. Hey, what's this? Today's Family Circus is so...touching. You're not the loudest on the subway anymore. Then someone calls you Sir, and you laugh, and they're serious. Your parents don't even have to have gray hair yet or stop paying for your loans for the transition to happen.

So just live life and try not to regret how old you are or how lame the older girl on stage is when she says, "Who's watchin' the Antiques Road Show here? I see ya! I see ya!"

LYLAS,
Abbi

Page-ing All Losers

There are many ways to monitor fame. Some people think that if you are on the World Wide Web, your star is rising. I Googled my name, and it turns out there are 636 pages yielding information. Only the first four actually talk about me. Four divided by Six hundred thirty-six is Point-oh-oh-six(4 ÷ 636 = .006). Conclusion: Less than one percent of what you read on the Internet is true.