Friday, August 14, 2009

Burgle-Proof Your Home

My place was burglarized this week. Whenever I worried about it happening, I imagined coming home to a stark, empty room, an open window, and a little outline on the wall of where a sofa used to be. In reality, the crime was not as obvious. In fact, I was home a full 25 minutes and had cleaned my kitchen and bathroom before I noticed. And I live in a studio!

On my way to tidying up the space I like to call the livingbedroom, I noticed a tennis shoe on the bed. I've seen Luke get ready in a hurry, but never toss footwear like the Swedish chef on the Muppets. Then I looked beyond the bed at the back wall. I just stared in disbelief. The desktop computer that usually sits perched on the corner desk like Mufasa on a cliff was gone.

This is what crime looks like. Missing electronics, open drawers, your clothes tossed to the floor. Okay maybe my skirt was already on the floor.

Hot Tips!

1. The police are very particular about what can be dusted for fingerprints. I recommend wall papering your house with book covers. The shiny kind you slowly remove from the jacket because you don' smudge--oops, too late. Also, cover your jewelry in peanutbutter.

2. Crooks like to use bags they find in your house to take their loot. Get rid of all backpacks, laundry bags, and totes. And vinyl airbed sacks. And pillow cases. And large socks.

3. The police advise you to set up a small video camera. This is less for identifying the criminal and more for being able to capture a mishap and make up the money on America's Funniest Home Videos. Also, place banana peels around your house.


soce said...

Wow, that completely sucks. I hope that you are able to recover your belongings and the criminal gets due justice.

Abbi Crutchfield said...

Due justice meaning he suffers through old footage of our early stand-up? YES!

H. Alan Scott said...

this is one of my biggest fears, getting robbed! AND being deformed by a dog. wouldn't it suck if it happened at the same time? Like I'd be in bed and somebody would sneak in with their dog and rob me blind. Once I saw them the dog would attack me! To add insult to injury, it would probably be a tiny toy poodle. I. Can't. Win!

G.H. said...

That sucks!! At least you are still hilarious, and making jokes about it!!

Love your blog!

Chris said...

It's bad enough that they had to rob you but leaving drawers open is just unacceptable. For once I'd like to see a neat burglar.

Abbi Crutchfield said...

@ H.Alan Scott: Your prevention plan is simple: build a life-size version of you out of pastrami and keep it on a nearby airbed.

@ G.H.: Thanks!

@ Chris: I know! "Frightfully sorry to disturb you, but I simply had to come back and tell you to dust those blinds. Thanks again for your valuables. Cheedy-oh!"

Thomas Pryor said...

horrible, abbi, sorry, but i love how you deal with it, making us laugh, chin up, buy better new stuff and screw them, tommy