Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Old Spice

There are two things you can count on in a New York City bodega.

1) The hamburger buns smell like kitty litter (Luke Cunningham has a hilarious bit on this)

2) Old products never die.

Apparently no one is ashamed when non-perishables from the 1970s creep their way to the front of the shelf. This Durkee garlic salt sticks out like a sore thumb. The brown label says, "My Cutlass gets 10 miles to the gallon, Jack!" and the red and yellow dots prove the color orange has not been invented yet. Applying this garlic salt might just put shag on your chest.

But let's not spare the other options:
Accent! (with a misplaced accent) says "Great on Lowfat foods" - implying that lowfat foods taste awful, so please keep making your refried beans with lard. They have also personified Food Flavor, which is an interesting marketing choice. Maybe they assume you are cooking with something that's still alive. "Wake up your food before you put its lights out for good!"

McCormick Italian Seasonings and Lemon and Herb Seasonings seem normal enough-- for Magnum, P.I. Someone want to update the artwork a little? Maybe think beyond Bob Ross illustrations since he's not around to make them anymore.

La Flor garlic. Saving you time by chopping it for you, and saving you the trouble of leaving it out for bugs to crawl in. Don't worry about that dark brown object getting out. It's sealed for your protection.


Thomas Pryor said...

Hey Abbi, I just finished a large Durkee Garlic Seasoning that my grandmother left me in her cupboard when she went into the nursing home in 1995.

I added the final flakes and sprinkles to a neat iceberg lettuce salad.

It's 24 hours later and I'm not dead. I've turned the rolling intestinal cramps that kicked in an hour after I ate into a really long multiple set of isometric stomach exercises. "Feel the burn!"

Abbi Crutchfield said...

I inherited my grandmother's non-perishables when she passed away. You know, another way to honor our loved ones is to sprinkle their spices into the ocean, or over a certain tree they cherished. Ashes to ashes. Monosodium Glutamate to dust.

Thomas Pryor said...

God bless, pack-rat grandmothers, My bequeath includes: three yard sticks, four nut crackers, enough yarn to keep Penelope busy for twenty more years waiting for that damn man, a shoe box full of thimbles, Popel's Pocket Fisherman, a candy jar full of Lead pennies, a Civil Defense helmet, political buttons and campaign doo daas including a 1928 "Al Smith for President" pencil with Al's head on the top. You can't miss that nose.

thisisntjimmy said...

I often find old cake frosting at bodegas... look for it's sun-faded label at the store near you.