Fun Slides Carpet Skates

Possible Fine Print:

For people who have always wanted to re-enact the scene from Risky Business, but who would not rip up their burber.

Billy Mays here with the latest time-saving solution for Corporate America!

Now powered by static electricity.

Tyco: giving you crap to abandon in your furnished basement since 1989.

Because Moon Shoes are far less practical.

Made from the same patented technology as furniture slides, but with a 500% increase in price because, you know, we added elastic straps.

As Seen on TV! Nickelodeon's "Mild and Lazy Kids"

The Internet Movie Playahatabase

There are 18 Crutchfields on imdb.com. Luckily, my name's not listed so if I ever move to Hollywood I won't have to change it to Abbin Sheen.

So what have my distant relatives been up to? Chris has made "Shot in the Heart", not to be confused with Shireen's "Love and a Bullet". Some of us are costume designers like the twins, Alisha and Lakeisha, but only Charles, a.k.a. Charles, has dressed Reese Witherspoon.

Les writes because he couldn't hack it as a dramatist, but for his ego's sake he likes to tease Jefferson and Keith for being miscellaneous crew members. They, in turn, tease Tim, who ran transportation for "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back". There are the no-frills actors like Lori and Jim, then their are the particular ones who chose stage names ending with "-in": Robin, Erin, and Kevin. Ugh, start a band already. That brings us to the drama queens: Sabrina Dames who likes Snickers ice cream waiting for her in her dressing room and Mahogony Ellis who likes ice cream Snickers. Timothy produces while Brian does production design, but darned if I don't know the difference.

They're less like family and more like strangers to me.

Freedom of Seats

My phone, which usually keeps me preoccupied during my morning commute, is in the shop right now, so instead I spent the ride listening to the screech of train wheels and trying to amuse myself. First I folded my arms and started aisle surfing, shifting my balance from one foot to the other as the train snaked along the tracks. The goal is not to lose your balance and have to touch the pole. The pole is where old strains of smallpox live.

Then I started fiddling with the contents of my backpack. Backpacks, ladies; they're the purses of tomorrow. And of gradeschool. So I crouched down to the ground and sifted through items, listing them like a doctor in surgery. "Wallet. (Wallet.) Notebook. (Notebook.) Fritos. (Fritos.)" I was not seated because the train was packed as usual. Only the vigilant can notice, as the train slows, who is adjusting themselves in preparation to get up, leaving a free seat. Sometimes it is a subtle movement, like a woman applying lipbalm more quickly than usual.

As luck would have it, before I had to start counting Russians, I saw an altercation. An older, bald man and a young blond girl went for the same seat. To give you a visual, the roles will be played by Scarlett Johanson and Clint Howard.

Ron Howard's brother: I was going to sit there.
SJ: Well, we were both going for this seat, but I got here first.
Creepy Rodney: Not really.
Sofia Coppola's BFF: Yeah, I did, and you nearly knocked me over trying to push me out of the way.
Balok on Star Trek: (mumbling)
Lips McGoo (standing): Excuse me? You cannot talk to me that way.
Radio Operator from Austin Powers 2: I didn't say anything.
Mrs. Ryan Reynolds: You called me a "dumb b***". You can't call me that JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE A WHITE MAN! A**hole.

He turned away, and she sat back down. The irony was lost on all commuters, and only I was left giggling.

Photo credit:
joshandjosh.typepad.com

Undiscovered Superstar

My latest post on The Apiary is a review of "Brown Ambition" a one-woman show by my friend and comedian Carolyn Castiglia.


There are few performers candid enough to admit to the bigotry they grew up with, the criminals they have dated and the toilet brushes their toddlers have gnawed on. Even fewer have the guts to put it in a rap song.

Click here to read the whole post. And don't forget to leave some feedback there!

News to Him

This is something I found while Googling "newscasters". It looks like this has already been floating about the Net, but it was new to me, and therefore, a treat for you now.

"The criminal was last seen wearing a gray tweed suit and red tie. He can be identified by a small pendant with the logo for News Channel 7. And now to Tuck Enrole with a piece on fire saftey. Tuck?"

Lights! Camera! Gavel!

Last weekend we took a train to New Jersey to shoot a video for Collaborative Health.



Here is Luke getting made up as he prepares to play a lawyer defending a big, juicy hunk of beef. No, not Lou Ferrigno. An actual hunk of beef. The video is part of a series of funny, informational shorts that encourage people to eat right and make healthy choices. Just who plays the judge who makes all the delicious decisions? Stay tuned...

In the meantime check out the organization's other hilarious videos by comedian Jeff Ashworth, featuring the very talented Hunter Cain.

Oreo-No-You-Didn't

For those people who refuse to accept that black and white icing can peacefully co-exist, we give you Segregated Cookies. Can't we all just get along? This display case sets cookies back at least 40 years. After all the picketing by the Lorna Doones and the Fig Newtons, marching all the way to Pepperidge Farm. What do we want? Dual icing! When do we want it? Now!

Had this bakery NOT seen the famous Seinfeld exchange?



When asked for an explanation, Pick-a-Bagel said, "Sor-ray."

For more on New York's most famous sweet snack, read this Black and White Cookie Review Blog.

Somewhere Over the Wall

One of the craziest parts about breaking up with someone is years later, after you have forgotten everything about the relationship that you did not like, you are mature enough to appreciate them for who they are.

But they don't get to hear about it because of The Wall. The Wall that's made of pride and pain, that you both work very hard to build.
"No way she's seeing me cry."
"No way he's seeing me get fat."

Then you both get tired and leave it alone for a while. As time passes, the quality of your lives improve with new love interests, updated wardrobes and impressive achievements. You cut an opening in The Wall just big enough for them to see through, but not efficient enough for communication. After all, you can't waste time standing and shouting through a tiny hole in The Wall. You have things to do!

Things become the grind, and you start to reminisce of days gone by. You make a journey back to The Wall. You stand on your tiptoes and try to see over it. You stick your fingers above it and say, "Yoo hoo! How ya doin' over there?" The other one hears your voice and remembers why The Wall was built in the first place. After smoothing it over with a new layer of indifference, that person gets in a car and drives as far away from it as possible.

Dear Fellow Construction Workers,

Send me a postcard?

Respectfully,
Your Ex

Photo credit:
inventorspot.com

No Ordinary Store

It's nice to know in these tough economic times that certain boutiques are still able to thrive. Take this gift shop in my neighborhood...



When choosing the name "Phoenix Gift Shop", the owners were not deterred by the fact that the store is not located in Phoenix, AZ nor does the sign feature a picture of a bird by the same name. They do not specialize in River Phoenix memorabilia. They just like the sound of it.



They also like the idea of providing a gift shop in an area where there are no tourists, and no nearby museums. They are reaching a certain niche market with the "gifts" they offer. They sell bags, and they sell school supplies. Actually, they sell school supply, so presumably one type...rulers maybe? Probably not backpacks because they already specify that they have bags. For the bald, they sell the gift of human hair, and for the kids in need of more than school supply, they sell toys.



But could a store that sells such random items REALLY be on the up and up? Or am I correct in my theory that it is an alien headquarters from which they can observe us, notating our patterns so that they may finally overtake us, one unsuspecting Saturday morning?!


Only alien kids like human hair toys.

The Labyrinth

Gather 'round children, and I'll tell you a tale. The tale of the subway station called Fulton Street, where people go in, but no one ever goes out. Particularly if you have entered through the opening on Broadway, and you are seeking to take the M train downtown into Brooklyn.


Behold! When you are upstairs, there is no sign for the Brooklyn-bound M train; only directions for getting to the M that goes in the opposite direction! But get to the train you must, so you descend. Only to find that the same directions exist below as exist above, directing you to take the same staircase over and over again until you lose your mind.


Finally when you buy a churro, wipe the cinnamon and sugar from your mouth three times, and say, "You have no power over me!" the tiled walls move, and the correct passage way is revealed to you.

I have spent 20 minutes in this station on two separate occasions searching for the same track.

Old Spice

There are two things you can count on in a New York City bodega.

1) The hamburger buns smell like kitty litter (Luke Cunningham has a hilarious bit on this)

2) Old products never die.

Apparently no one is ashamed when non-perishables from the 1970s creep their way to the front of the shelf. This Durkee garlic salt sticks out like a sore thumb. The brown label says, "My Cutlass gets 10 miles to the gallon, Jack!" and the red and yellow dots prove the color orange has not been invented yet. Applying this garlic salt might just put shag on your chest.

But let's not spare the other options:
Accent! (with a misplaced accent) says "Great on Lowfat foods" - implying that lowfat foods taste awful, so please keep making your refried beans with lard. They have also personified Food Flavor, which is an interesting marketing choice. Maybe they assume you are cooking with something that's still alive. "Wake up your food before you put its lights out for good!"

McCormick Italian Seasonings and Lemon and Herb Seasonings seem normal enough-- for Magnum, P.I. Someone want to update the artwork a little? Maybe think beyond Bob Ross illustrations since he's not around to make them anymore.

La Flor garlic. Saving you time by chopping it for you, and saving you the trouble of leaving it out for bugs to crawl in. Don't worry about that dark brown object getting out. It's sealed for your protection.

Who Watches Shows on a Sunday Night?

I am the new host of Sunday Soiree show at Botanica Bar. The show, founded by Josh Filipowski of Like2Laugh Productions, has a reputation for being quite intimate. It's in the back of a gritty SoHo bar, in a room furnished with worn, comfy couches and yard sale lamp fixtures that give it a cozy glow. The brick walls are brushed with gold paint, and the stage takes up a quarter of the room, so everyone has a great view.

It's one of the best places to hear NYC's hardest-working comics crank out their freshest ideas. Jay Welch explored our need for multigrain sushi while Jeff Kreisler shared a preview to his "Cheat to Get Rich" seminar he's taking to the Edinbrough Festival. Mo Diggs let us know his strong opinions about mayonnaise, and Erica Keats pondered the irony of obese people that wear Nike gear. Although not on the lineup, Trafton Crandall popped in and got to make use of some stage time as well. He said working on a new screenplay is like being a Polar explorer. Catch his act to understand why!

After the show, I saw Neil Charles outside and joined him in his walk to Sunday Night Stand-up at Three of Cups.



RG Daniels had a full room and they were loving his material. Michael Terry did a great job explaining that the Japanese have their own stereotypes about us. I only caught the tail end, but host Charlie Kasov did a smashing job from what I saw.

There is amazing live comedy every night of the week, and Monday is no exception! I look forward to seeing you at the Root Hill mic tonight! Last one of the summer until we start back up in September.

Root Hill Cafe
262 4th Ave (@ Carroll St)
Park Slope, BK 11215
Sign-up at 7:00PM, show's at 8:00PM
FREE

I Can Hardly Imagine What's Next

Last night was a fun show at a bar I've never been to, The Local 269.

The host was a lovely, voluptuous woman covered in tatoos I affectionately called Kat Von D. She introduced people by first stating their name and then following with their credits. Anyone who has ever seen a gameshow knows the name is the signal to applaud. The audience was poised to clap, but kept missing their cue, so a lot of us came up to silence, which cracked me up.

The crowd was huddled in shoulder to shoulder from wall to wall, all in support of the producer Darcy Burke who also took her turn at the mic and had a great set.

Sometimes a good crowd gets a little too involved. As I took the stage, I began, "I'm biracial..." and a woman in the front said, "Are you blewish?" I had never heard this term before, but I could only assume she was asking whether I was black and Jewish...or a smurf. I answered honestly that I was not, although back in college I was often confused with a girl who was. Then came the obvious void of laughter that occurs when you exchange real, non-humorous information with someone, so I looked away from her and addressed the crowd as a whole, "and now time for some jokes. If there's any time left." Got 'em back.

How engaged was this crowd? When Robin Cloud was mid set-up someone laughed and sighed, "Oh my God, I can hardly imagine what's next!"



Sad you missed it? Robin and I are going to kick it again at Comix (Ochi's Lounge) tonight!

Triple Minority Report
Comix Comedy Club
353 W. 14th Street
New York, NY 10014
7:30PM, FREE

Photo credit:
assets3.likeme.net

That's Me in the Corner

Back in 2006 I used to do silly things. Like get wacky haircuts or take before and after pictures of it and e-mail them to a nice Canadian woman who is launching a hair product business in Canada.

Three years later I am a Cover Girl on the Blended Beauty Website.




Flash forward to today, where I'm still putting weird stuff on my hair, but at least now I get paid for it.


Thanks to Chris of Cynical-C.com and comedian Les Degan for spotting me!