Today I'd Like You To Think About Chantal Biya, First Lady of Cameroon

I first heard about her NOT in my clown nightmares, NOT in an indie movie about drag queens, but on D-Listed, my new favorite time-wasting gossip site. Go there and enjoy all the different ways to insult celebrities.

That Was Rough

I auditioned for Comic Strip Live last night.



I felt like Will Ferrell as Dr. Beaman from an SNL sketch (circa 2000):

Thank God...[ sighing ]

...Whew... [ starts to write on his papers, then stops ]

...Yikes... [ writes some more, stops again ]

...That was rough! [ props his feet on his desk ]

I participated in The Lottery Show hosted by Sherrod Small. Twice a year comics gather to draw a number from a fish bowl. When their number is called they are given an audition date. People affiliated with the club decide whether you get passed to perform on their regular shows, passed to perform on their late night shows, or passed to the garbage. Lately, the auditions have been a little flashier as they take on the form of a contest, featuring a full house, fog machine and panel of comedian judges. I'm told they weren't always this way, so it's probably something special they did for me.

Judges included Modi, Keith Robinson, and Greer Barnes. There were other funny comics and the owners of the club on the panel as well. The set was a fast and fun five minutes, with a nice reaction from the audience. Comedians Helen Hong, Luke Thayer, Gary Gulman , Lisa Harmon and Joseph Rocha were supportive behind the scenes.

Then for intimidation purposes all comics are brought out one-by-one to hear what the judges have to say. It's very entertaining for the crowd, but completely nerve-wracking for the comic. Hats off to Sam Morrill who got over-critiqued last week so they brought him back again this week to do it properly. He had the strongest set of the night.

The good: they said I was funny, I had a lot going on in my set, and I did a good job. Also I'm better than one of my jokes, which I'm counting as a compliment.

The bad: they said I lunge too much during my set. (I can't afford the gym.) They said not to be the voice of an animal in any joke because it's too easy. (Oh yeah? Figure thisssss one out! <--Snake, right? Wrong! Gila monster. BOOM!)

The ugly: I was told that I finished with a weak joke. Sherrod said, "Aw, that's not fair. How long have you been doing it?" Six years. "Yeah, you should have known better then."

My goal of performing at 11:00PM after a long day was to stay awake for the whole process, so mission accomplished. I call it a success.

Photo credit:
snltranscripts.jt.org

Terrific Tuesday

This day is shaping up nicer than a Midwestern mall-walker in exercise sneakers. If you haven't read it yet, check out this interview of me and my co-producer soce that The Apiary posted this week. Which talented Apiary staff writer conducted the interview, pray tell? Both Andrew and I did. If you want something done right you have to do it yourself!

ANDREW: How would you address the rumors that we are dating?

ABBI: You love women the way I love IKEA. I appreciate that it exists but I’m never gonna go there. I like that you’re out and people still think we’re a couple. Confusion may come from the fact that I produce The Living Room Show with my husband Luke Thayer who is also a comedian. And who is also hit on by men.

Tonight at 8:00PM the show in question features performers who have had their own Comedy Central Presents specials:
Ted Alexandro
DC Benny
Tom Shillue
Christian Finnegan
Myq Kaplan

Wiggity-wow!

Positively Awesome
Cellar 58, 58 2nd Ave, 10003
8:00PM, 1 drink miniumum

Then catch me at Comic Strip Live. Sure to be a stellar line-up!

The Lottery Show starring Sherrod Small
Comic Strip Live
1568 2nd Ave, 10028
9:00PM, 1 drink minimum

Photo credit: Aemiessence Fine Arts

Today I'd Like You to Think About Gangsta Babies

Mmm...Steamy

Auditions for soup commercials are hard! You have to talk into the can, then listen from the can then talk into it again. You can't just leave it at your ear. The biggest challenge was the woman I read with who was doing her best Eartha Kitt impression. She was supposed to be a lady shopping in a grocery store, and I was playing a mild-mannered Soup employee agreeing with her about how great the variety is. The actress kept purring, "I'm soooo glad your soups...ARE...delicious? My husband...looooooves them. Too." And the casting director kept telling her, "Less sultry!" and I was thinking, "Read it like it's the same language you've been speaking all your life."

But I wasn't perfect. Instead of "More-White-Meat-Chicken-and-Tender-Chunks-of-Beef,"

I kept saying "All white meat...and tender chunks of chicken--I mean beef. All white beef and chender chunks of tickin'..."

So there you go.

Fear of Flying

My fear of flying worsens as I age. I don't think there is a direct link, but I think the longer you live the more likely you are to hear about plane crashes on the nightly news. I just flew back from Indiana this past weekend, and freaked out because a 5-year old shouted at the clouds, "I can see God!" and I thought, "Do babies get visions before they die?!"

The Woman I'm Afraid of Turning Into

New York Photographer Anya Garrett (who is like the Andy Warhol of our generation) is debuting her exhibit "The Woman I'm Afraid of Turning Into" tonight!

Together with Lisa Levy, she has interviewed a dozen of today's most dazzling funny women (including MEEEEE) to find out what their anxieties are about a career in comedy, and then photograph them portraying their fearsome future. My fear is that I won't have time to raise kids, so I'll focus all my nurturing energy into treating my dog like a person.

(This is me treating my dog like a throw pillow.)

12 Portraits of hilarious and beautiful comedians -- Abbi Crutchfield, Amy Schumer, Ann Carr, Becky Yamamoto, Carolyn Castiglia, Leah Dubie, Livia Scott, Mara Herron, Ophira Eisenberg, Sherri Eldin, as well as the artists themselves Anya Garrett and Lisa Levy.

GRAND OPENING - THURS. 7/15
5pm-7pm
HEREart GALLERY
145 Ave of the Americas
(entrance on Dominic - one block south of Spring)
http://here.org/programs/here-art/
212.352.3101

Free admission! Free wine! First come, first served!

AFTERPARTY -- ANTARCTICA BAR
287 Hudson Street (near Spring)

For More Info: http://anyagarrett.com/wiati.html

Other women I am afraid of turning into...

Today I'd Like You to Think About Donuts

Seven Stand-Ups to Watch

Well let's say two, because I happen to have two comedy amigos who are appearing on television in consecutive nights this week.

Calise Hawkins on Comedy Central's Russell Simmons Presents Stand-Up at the El-Rey (Sun July 11, 11:30PM EST)



Myq Kaplan on NBC's Last Comic Standing (Mon July 12, 9:00PM EST)


Seven just sounded better. But why do we take on the mission when we're told about People to Watch? It's impossible to keep an eye out for comedians' televised accomplishments. They happen so sporadically.

That's why today I tweeted:

Props 2 Calise Hawkins 4 her Com Central debut! If I went to a party for every friend on TV I'd go 3-4 times every 2.5 years.

It's like catching a shooting star. That's not to suggest comedians don't appear on TV often. They appear ALL THE TIME. In your commercials (Matt McCarthy for Verizon), giving editorial on programs for old people (Louis CK on CBS Sunday Morning), making commentary on MTV (Matt Ruby) or performing in sketches on VH1 (me two years ago). They are extras on the Food Network (Adam Ruben), they teach improv on American Chopper (Roger Hailes, Brooke VanPoppelen), they compete in contests (Dave Lester) they sometimes pose as guests on talk shows (Rick Younger, Carolyn Castiglia, Adam Newman, Sean Patton, Sean O'Connor...)

Fine, you want seven? Here are 5 more comedians to watch.

Luke Thayer (hot!)
Neil Charles (chill)
Mo Diggs (acerbic force)
Jenny Z (fresh and new like spring dew)
RG Daniels (class act)

I'm not just putting their names here because they can get me something, because trust me, these people can't get anyone anything. If you can't watch for them, don't come complaining to me when you're misquoting their famous punchline at our office coffee machine.

Photo credits:
comedycentral.com
eastvillecomedy.com

Possibly the World's Creepiest Baby

Find whatever you wonder. This lady's wondering where she can find a doorstep on which to leave this baby.

There is something weird about him, no?

On the heels of the popular movie Babies and the success of the horror franchise in general, I predict 2010 will bring you the first scary movie starring a baby. The killer will be reminiscent of Chucky from Childsplay, with the creepy stubby fingers and the self-obsession. But instead of being made of plastic, he is made of cartilage. Just when the police think they've apprehended him he squirms out of their arms. You are drawn in by his irresistable smell, then you are powerless to escape! He baits you into oncoming traffic. Your instincts kick in to save him, but who will save you?!

Anyway, this particluar baby in this ad may be someone's actual child, but I'm not convinced. I think he's an animatron. He looks like he is wearing makeup. And he has styled hair. And grown-up eyebrows. He's the kind of tiny man you'd see on a blind date.