Leave Indy Alone!

How friggin' dare anyone out there make fun of Indy after all he has been through?

He wore a farmer's tan, he went without an earring for six weeks. He has two friggin' hang nails!!!

His girlfriend turned out to be a flop, a one-hit wonder, and now she's on an extended made-for-TV movie. All you people care about is... how they can possibly make love. Well it's NOT possible!

She hasn’t performed on stage in years. Her show is called “Brothers and Sis Turds” for a reason; because all you people want is MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE. Turds.

HE’S A HUMAN! What you don’t realize is that Indy is making you all forget about your jobs at Contempo Casuals and all you do is write a bunch of crap about him. Wet Seal bought out Contempo Casuals in 2001, but you've been lying about going to work for the past seven years so how's that for a giant boulder in your face?!

LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are lucky there was even reference to the Arc of the Convenant for you...PASTORS!

LEAVE INDY ALONE!...Please.

Perez Hilton talked about professionalism and said if Indy was a professional he would’ve pulled (his chest hair) off no matter what.

Speaking of professionalism, when is it professional to have a beige website with pink trim? Is every day Valentine's day? Have you even HEARD of Leopard print, Perez? GAW.

Leave Indy Alone Please!

Leave Dr. Jones alone! Right now! I mean it!

Anyone that has a problem with him you deal with Kate Capshaw, because she is not well right now.

LEAVE HIM ALONE!

The Hardest Working Birthday Girl in Showbusiness

On this lovely birthday week, catch me pandering for applause at the following shows:

Monday
The Comedy Dungeon
Jazz on the Park Hostel
36 W. 106th Street
8:30PM
FREE

(This has already passed, but it was a great way to kick of the week. Slovenians on laptops, Argentineans wearing golf pants, and a giant chalkboard with foreign gibberish scrawled across it. Crowd work gold mine.)


Tuesday
Comedy for the F*** of It
Alibi Lounge
117 MacDougal
8:00PM
FREE

(It’s just that. Comedy for comedy’s sake. And it’s free, with a very talented DJ and an immensely charismatic host, Del. Stop by and buy me a drank.)


Wednesday
Dorothy Von Irony’s Hour of Comic Literature and Literary Comedy
Chelsea Market
75 9th Ave (btwn 15th & 16th streets)
9:00PM

(I’m hosting this one, so get there early! We have very funny readings and mind games starting as early as 6:30PM)


Slumber Party
Comix (Ochi’s Lounge)
353 W. 14th St (btwn 8th & 9th aves)
9:00PM

(I’ll be on towards the end of the show, but the whole lineup is amazing!)

The Kingdom of the Crystal Skunk

Those smiles say we've all been Punk'd.

I’m not saying the new Indiana Jones installment stinks, and I’m not saying I want my money back or that Hollywood thinks we’re all a bunch of morons. All I’m saying is it sucked royal jewels, I paid way too much, and Hollywood has hired a block of cheese to write its scripts. Not even a sharp cheese. A log of Velveeta.

In Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, Harrison Ford insists on being called Henry throughout the film. After adopting a rambunctious grade schooler



he is off to fly on a giant red dot above a map in a quest for knowledge. Fueled by the duty of helping a feeble old man (played by John Hurt and Denholm Elliot’s bronze statue, but most skillfully by a still frame of Sean Connery’s photograph), he encounters a young boy from the O.C. They quickly bond over a love of drag racing with fat white men in suits.



The movie gets a lot of help from the authenticity that Shia LaBoeuf gives his character, and when a movie is helped by Shia LaBoeuf, you know you’re in trouble. See my review of Dis-turd-bia. The most fun I had was watching his naturally curly hair go from blown dry straight to frizzy from a waterfall and back to blown dry straight in the middle of the jungle. The desert jungle of Latin America where Alabama fire ants emerge from the rolling hills of Ireland to devour humans and ooze yolk when crushed.

From a visual perspective there’s enough soft-lighting to make Barbara Walters look like Pulp Fiction's Mia Wallace.



Cate Blanchett stars as Emo Phillip’s sister and dons the world’s most unflattering jump suit (redundant). Oh, an Iowa gas station attendant just called and told me high waists and flat butts are back in. I would praise the editing except two-thirds of the film is old footage from other movies, including George of the Jungle, Back to the Future, The Mummy, and Signs. On the bright side it’s good to see the monkeys from Jumanji getting work again.*

La piece de resistance is the ending that is so baffling, I refuse to talk about it until more people have been as foolish as I was and spend their time on the film. Kind of when you slip on ice, and then you stand around to see if anyone else will crack their butt on it too. On second thought, allow me to be the overly concerned New Yorker warning you about water on a subway seat.

There’s a SPACESHIP in this movie! They put a giant Frisbee-looking spacecraft in the film, the likes of which make War of the Worlds (2005) look like Citizen Cane.

I honestly liked the last third of the film better the first time I saw it when it was called Stargate. Aliens arbitrarily dominating an ancient culture. The transgender prostitute from The Crying Game was a bigger menace than the CGI skeletons. A recent image released from the film:



I will now resign to my room hugging my VHS copy of Temple of Doom, satisfied by the fact that it is no longer the worst Indiana Jones movie ever made.



*paraphrasing an observation by Luke. Two short, round thumbs up!

Roll That Beautiful Bean Footage

My best friend Olga came in town to help me celebrate my birthday early.

Two disclaimers about the above photo.
1) That sweater was free from a clothing swap, and looks better on stage than at a fancy restaurant
2) We are college buddies, but in pictures we always look like Rosie O'Donnel and her wife. I'm the Rosie, because I'm a hilarious comedian, and Olga has the child-bearing hips.

We stopped by a trendy Vietnamese restaurant in Tribeca to say hi to her new buddy, the chef de cuisine who is currently competing on a popular reality show. To refrain from being tacky, I will not mention the guy or the place he works. But I hope no one SPIKEs my MAI-tai while I dance to HOUSE music. Because that's the best way to get secrets out of me.

Our handsome host greeted us and offered to select the entire meal for us, since all we could think of to request was napkins and white wine. I will now take you through the fantastic courses, since your last classy meal was the new chicken sandwich at McDonalds.



We began the meal with two salads. Raw Artichoke salad and Spicy Beef Pomelo (with rau ram herb, chile and lime) which tasted simultaneously like miracles and burning. I could have made a meal out of it, if not for the passing out from the intense heat every 12 seconds. A waiter asked, "How is everything, WIMPS?" and when I laughed a huge flame came out of my mouth. His hair stood up straight, his face was blackened, and when he blinked it sounded like two piano keys.

Then out came the Seared Sea Scallops with a very special side of black rice vermicelli...



or as it's more commonly known by my friend Klyde: mouse penis.

It was time to freshen up the drink I hadn't touched, by accompanying it with a Red River house cocktail. (smacking of lips) Do I detect...hibiscus?



We were giggling like children--drunk children--and making eyes at the empty stools of the bar when our entrees arrived.

Roasted Black Cod anyone?



No, I'll have the Ten Spice Baby Back Ribs, thank you.



There was a separate plate of Wok-Seared Asparagus which was so good it deserves its own blog post, but I'm not a vegan, so we'll pretend like it was just a side dish for now.

We didn't want the meal to end, but you don't tell chocolate mousse to wait in the kitchen.


Then God spoke and what materialized in front of me was an almond banana cake with black sesame ice cream on top of a bed of tapioca.



What's that? You're tired of my blurry pictures, and want to SEE the tapioca?



Vietnamese coffee kept us awake and alert, all through a slow train ride and looong walk home, the movie Red Eye, and all its DVD extras.





Celebrating like a wealthy adult was a nice rite of passage into this new age, but unfortunately for us, after chatting with us at our table several times, our chef mysteriously disappeared, so we could not thank him properly. Maybe we shouldn't have told him we were off to watch Red Eye.

FLASHBACK:
We both went to see comedian Godfrey perform at our college once. He welcomed people on stage after the show to meet and greet, and he asked if we knew of any parties. We told him we were off to watch a movie rental from the library. He frowned and said, "Uh...you mean there's a party in the library?" Before you could say sweat pants, two girls in miniskirts pushed us out of the way to give him a deep-tissue massage with their eyes and coo their own private invitation.

So allow me to make up for turning away any potential fans and make a sensual statement of my own: You, me, my place, Red Rivers, mouse genitalia.



Photo credit:
flickr.com/eatingintranslation

Wordy

This show's getting a lot of buzz, and not just because it hosts bees. (Spelling bees. That's straight Dziura Son!) I'll be doing stand-up and conducting the current of funny that travels from reading to reading as people share their hilarious literature. This is for people who used to order through Scholastic.

Wed May 21
9:00PM
Chelsea Mind Games at Chelsea Market
Dorothy Von Irony's Hour of Comic Literature and Literary Comedy


See you there!

Triple Threat

Tonight I'll be hanging with Hassan and my crew at


I'll do stand-up, I'll be in an improvised talk-show as a very special character, and I'll be in their feature film as a different character. More Abbi for your buck!

See you there.

Nuevo Stilo

Was enjoying a bit of the Don Francisco talk show on OOH-nee-vee-zee-OHN last night, mainly because the only other thing on was Boston Legal, and their obsessive-compulsive zoom technique makes me sick to watch. Okay, let's face it,I stopped on the Spanish channel to see how much of it I could pick up. It's not nerdy if everyone does it, right J.K. Rowling?



"That's right, Girlfriend."

Straining my ears and leaning forward I managed to catch the following phrases: "It's clear that (antidisestablishmentarianism)," and "It's clear that (supercalifragilisticexpialadocious)." I almost turned the channel, but they panned out from the gabbing guest to reveal two other gentlemen, a trio making up the hot pop group Camila. In his effort to fight male-pattern baldness, one member, Mario Domm, has modeled a new hair product that will soon sweep the nation and make young girls swoon:



Ointment.

Come check out my nuevo stilo tonight at Gabe Pacheco's

JOY Comedy Show
8:30PM
Sal Anthony's
190 3rd Ave (by the 1 train)
$5

You mean you've been reading my blog this long and haven't caught a performance? I'm better live! None of this "I live in a different state" crap. You've never heard of making your own flying suit of iron? (Cue Black Sabbath)

My Influences

When I was six, I had a book called "All About Me" in which I listed facts about my fascinating and complicated life. I remember listing my ideal meal as, "Steak, 'Tater Tots and tea" and citing Steve Martin as my favorite comedian.

This was not based on his impressive stand-up career or his amazing performance in "The Jerk", but more on the fact that he told a bully off during a game of darts in 1987's "Roxeanne". It helped that he was acting alongside Darryl "Splash" Hannah, the inspiration for most of my Barbie re-enactments until I saw the movie "Shag". Any movie we taped off of HBO I committed to memory, and this along with his participation in "The Three Amigos", made Martin the actor who left the best impression.

Other movies that traumatized me into reciting them were "The Color Purple" and "Beaches". And therefore, to round out the three favorite comedians of my youth, I add Whoopie Goldberg and Bette Midler to the roster.

It wasn't until I was in college that I heard my first recording of one of Steve Martin's stand-up performances. I was sorry for dismissing him after "Father of the Bride" and rekindled the respect for him I had as a child. The same thing happened a few years later when I finally caught a dvd of Whoopi on Broadway. I was less in awe of her stand-up skills and more enamored with the performance. I thought the same thing would happen when I found a dvd of Bette Midler's staged musical, but I quickly got bored and jumped ahead to "The Rose". It only cost $3, and I returned it to the video store. That's the story of, that's the glory of Looooove.

An old performance of Ellen DeGeneres recycled on Comedy Central stuck out in my brain, and as I was making the move to study stand-up, I decided I was most impressed by Ellen's gift of being silly. Sinbad was the first comedian I ever saw live, and I'll always wish I could make someone laugh as hard as he made me laugh that night.

All About Me (revised)

Name: Abbi Crutchfield

Age: 26

Weight: 135lbs

Favorite Comedian:

Steve Martin
Whoopi Goldberg
Bette Midler
Sinbad
Ellen DeGeneres

Favorite Barbie Doll Muse:
Darryl Hannah
Phoebe Cates

Favorite Meal:

Steak, 'Tater tots and tea

Steak, steak and steak.

Ce Soir

And now, a word from Ms. Patti LaBelle...



"Hey get your coat Sista, catch This-a SHOW Sista...


He threw Marmalade watching old Moulin Rouge




Sticky, it started to streak...



I said, 'Hello, Hey Joe. You want to be in the know?'

Gitcha gitcha laugh on Da Da



Gitcha Gitcha laugh on HERE.




Mocha only costs a dollar



Friday at the Living Room!



Voulez-vous laugh-ay avec moi, CE SOIR?




Voulez-vou laugh-ay avec moi?!



How can you say no? If you're worried about coming in contact with this magnificent talent, just remember, one touch changes everythaaaang.

Love,

Patti"

Postmark Cafe
326 6th Street (btwn 4th & 5th aves)
Park Slope, BK 11215
8:00PM, FREE!

Check out how fun the last show was...

And stay tuned for the Secret revealed!

Conspiracy Theory

Fact: Hillary won Indiana and Barack won North Carolina. In other words, a white woman won in Indiana, and a black man won in North Carolina.

Fact: My mother is a white woman from Indiana, and my father is a black man from SOUTH Carolina.

Fact: Hillary and Barack both care about the American people.

Fact: My parents both care about me, and I am American.

Fact: Comedic actors Richard Kind and Rondell Sheridan have the same father.



Fact: A mixed breed dog has less health problems than a pure breed dog

Fact: Peanut butter and chocolate are two great tastes that taste great together

Conclusion: This Friday at 8:00PM I will unleash a giant secret at The Living Room. Place your guesses in the comments section.

Joe Salzone You'll Get Your Pictures

Luke, you'll get your dinner.

Chris, you'll get your post on my influences.

Carlos, you'll get your money.

Jackee, you'll get your spin-off series "Sandra Clark: Las Vegas Madame" as soon as Lifetime producers get back to me.

Mo, you'll get your Hannah Montana vanity set when supplies are shipped from China.

Diana, you'll get your couples day at the spa when I convince your husband that Kanye and Jay-Z do it all the time. And they do.

Carolyn, you'll get your mansion as soon as I scratch off this lotto ticket and pay off Carlos.

Mike from England in Japan, you'll get your International Man of Mystery degree when I find the right-sized gold sticker.

Jesse, you'll get your six pack when I finish my hypnotism course.

Adria, you'll get your world peace when I figure out how to totally obliterate Iran.

I think I've covered all my readers.

War is Bad

Apparently, we all missed this cover of the Washington Post two days ago.



I know the most Middle Eastern news America can tolerate is Paula Abdul reading her cue cards wrong, but how do we indifferently walk by a picture of a baby being rescued from rubble? We made a freaking TV movie about a baby hillbilly getting stuck in a well.


Her photo won a Pulitzer Prize.

Have we lost our compassion? Our belief in Whitney Houston's words that children are our future? Unfortunately, after his home was alledgedly bombed by our missiles, two year-old Ali Hussein died later in the hospital. Why do we care more about our morning cup of coffee than a city whose civilians are being attacked? I don't have time to defend the tastiness of coffee or explain the major buzzkill that is warfare, so I'll sum it up: because we can.

My news source is the small plasma screen in the elevator where I work. In 8 seconds I get the weather, the name of Soleil Moon Frye's new baby, the trajectory of stock options I'll never have, and how much money the leading pro-golfer makes. Among the flashy pictures and sexy advertisements there is the odd blurb, "Two more American soliders dead raising number to 47," and then it's back to a woman reclining on a white couch holding a glass of wine. Thank goodness for goodlooking people, money, and narcissism. I almost had to think about someone's pain for a second.

To fill the gaps, my sister who works on the Hill, wet blanket that she is, likes to bother me with current events, mostly having to do with death, destruction, warfare, sadness, greed, racism, and other reasons to kill yourself. The picture of the child above is one of those current events.

Put down your People magazine, and push up your sleeves. I give you point and counterpoint in the article from which this picture came.

POINT
"Sadr City is under the American hammer and nobody is monitoring it," said Leewa Smeisim, the head of the Sadr movement's political bureau. "Eighty percent of the military operations are targeting innocents, because the Americans want to make people turn against the Mahdi Army so they can enter the city and control it. Nobody is safe in Sadr City, neither women nor children."

COUNTERPOINT
U.S. officials emphasized that U.S. troops responded only after they were attacked and that it was the fault of the militiamen if there were civilian casualties. "The sole burden of responsibility lies on the shoulders of the militants who care nothing for the Iraqi people," Stover said in an e-mail.

He said the militiamen purposely attack from buildings and alleyways in densely populated areas, hoping to protect themselves by hiding among civilians. "What does that say about the enemy?" Stover said. "He is heartless and evil."

I have to back the U.S. on this one. I know that every time I get caught speeding, I follow the officer home and kill any puppies in his neighborhood. Hey, if he really cared about his pets, he wouldn't have given me the ticket! What kind of a cop keeps puppies in his neighborhood anyway? Don't they know most people don't like cops? Hellooo...that one on the Simpsons is always getting made fun of. At least in MY elevator.

Photo credit: Associated Press