Monday, April 13, 2009

Ask Abbi: Squeeze the Charmin?

Adria of writes:

What kind of toilet paper do you prefer and what kind do you purchase?

Thanks for voyaging beyond the realm of comedy-specific questions! Just like Madonna when it comes to children, what I prefer is not always what I purchase.

I PREFER the kind of soft toilet paper that comes in rolls of 24. The kind of 3-ply, quilted abundance that scoffs at rainforest activists. The kind I can hug in Target to restore tranquility when it's whoopin' time in the cereal aisle. The kind sold by cartoon bears.

By the way, that commercial always reminds me of this popular street joke:
A bear and a rabbit are going to the bathroom in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit smugly replies, "Certainly not!" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

I purchase Angel Soft because it is always on sale wherever I go. In these tough economic times, it is the prudent choice. It is also a step above the kind you find in corporations, which is essentially tracing paper. It breaks apart in your hands so you never get more than one square at a time. You end up fishing inside the plastic receptacal and turning the wheel over and over, endlessly searching for the new, unperforated sheet. Sweat beads form on your head while you gingerly prod as if you're delivering a giraffe. No thank you. I have my standards. Especially since they're impossible to steal.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.


Tommy Pryor said...

abbi, we had a rugby house on route 27 in east quoque on the south shore of long island.

sometime between memorial day and july 4th our plumbing got funny and i decided i couldnt hold a meeting in that bathroom anymore.

there was a citgo gas station across the street. the first morning i went to my meeting at the citgo bathroom the guy made a face when i asked for the key, the second morning same thing. i knew this was my only option and needed to fix this relationship.

the next morning i ran down to the grocery store and bought a roll of toilet paper. when i went to the citgo station and asked for the key i held the toilet paper up, the guy smiled and said, "Very good, and I see you bought Scotts!"

Abbi Crutchfield said...

What a thoughtful young boy you were. Similarly, I once shared a dorm with three women who I felt did not buy their fair share of TP. I started bringing in my own roll when the community one was empty and taking it with me when I left.

Your story doesn't make you sound as passive-aggressive.

Tommy Pryor said...

i have a lot of rules about the morning meeting and quiet is essential the citgo meeting room rocked, way back of the pumps 50 yards off the road and the citgo guy was a compulsive clean freak so the meeting room resembled a stanley kubrick set from Space Oydessy 2001, mom could a took a lesson off this guy