Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Park Slope, Brooklyn Bulletin Board

On nearby streets, young, middle-class couples push baby strollers alongside funky, artistic types off to sip brunch mimosas at one of the district's fine restaurants...

Self-defense: Adult Women and Transgendered People (Now reviving successful "Turn-in-Stilettos-for-Safety-Whistle" program)

Birth Doula (When trained medical professionals just aren't enough.)

Labor Support Doulas (Pick from our many, homely women skilled at sitting in a room and looking at you.)

Emotional Midwifery (Push with FEELING. I want to BELIEVE you are having this child!)

Breast-feeding Basics (Step 1. Get breasts. Step 2: Use breasts to feed hungry baby.)

Post-natal Fitness Classes (Because you really do look awful)

Practice Pilates at Home (Fart in the comfort of your own living room)

Positive, Holistic Solutions: Dog Training (Rex needs to learn to take his Mercurialis perennis)

Critter Sitters (Free diaper service for chimpanzees)

Training for the Urban Dog and Family (Training for the urban dog includes walking with a Gangsta Lean. Training for the family consists of hitting them with newspapers.)

Hypnosis (Collecting untold amounts of money from people since 1992.)

Aikikai (Marital arts classes specializing in weight-shifting technique, balance and typecasting you for the rest of your film career)

Piano/Guitar Lessons (Also known as the Keytar. Location: Subway platform)

International Voiceover Artist (For all of your international voiceover needs)

Children's French Book Fair (Qui veut aller a la bibliotheque? Qui veut se tuer d'un coup de pistolet?)

Music Therapy (Doris Oswald invites you to listen to Pure Moods vol. 1-8 in her 4th Floor Walk-up. Cost: 1 box of Lean Cuisine)

Craniosacral Therapy (We don't know what this is either.)

Well-Being Massage Therapy (Covered windows for privacy. Video of Asian Women on continuous loop in front of store so we're all on the same page here.)

Holistic Medicine (Doris Oswald invites you to drink a tea she made from leaves collected in Prospect Park. Cost: Dressing in a Michael Bolton costume.)

Family Improv: Private Tutor ("May I have a suggestion? I heard booger. Thank you.")


Mo Diggs said...

more like punk slope


Abbi said...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Birth Doula.
Birth Doula who?
Birth doula thing and thecond doula other thing.

Carolyn said...

Doula? I like ta doula hula - but not when pregnant. Then you fill the whole hoop.

Abbi said...

Doula hustle! Doot-deet-doot-da-doot-da-doot doo doo

Doot-deet-doot-da-doot-da-doot doo doo!

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