Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Costume Battle of the Sexes

Women have often been criticized for their talent of turning mundane Halloween duds into a more tantalizing costume. Why be a cop when you can undo the top two buttons and be Sexy Cop? Why be a chef when you can wear fishnet stockings and be Sexy Chef? It doesn't stop at uniforms. I've seen girls transform religious figures (Hot Nun), cuddly animals (Playboy Bunny), and even inanimate objects (A T-shirt with "Juicy" across the chest requires reading, and therefore makes the person wearing it a book. Sexy Book).

But let he without the first tacky Halloween idea cast the first stone! Some men take advantage of the night to dress up as women. Not famous women. Just women. That's not a costume! That's indulging in a secret desire to see how the other half lives. "Wow, I don't know how you girls do it..." Well, we don't do it daily in bright red lipstick and frizzy wigs, Chuckles, but thanks for the sympathy. Honk honk. Other men insist on costumes affirming their sexuality. A pickle barrel with a hole in the crotch. A desk with a lamp shade ("I'm one NIGHT STAND,") or a shirt with a sign that says, "Free Rides" and points to the face.

Let's not limit this discussion to heteros. What about drag queens? Talk about a night of shameless sparkle. They take advantage of the night to flutter extra-long lashes and six foot-high feather headdresses that would normally happen and stay in Vegas.

I'm also putting the spotlight on the nerds, perverts, and technologically savvy convicted felons. This is their night to find a large avenue, unveil their video camera, and tape publicly! Any other night they would be harrassed by 60 Minutes and shamed into signing a release form.

Even little boys make bizarre selections for costumes when left to their own devices. My 5 year old neighbor said he was going as a "Maniac Prince". What is that, exactly? I went trick-or-treating with a kid who was Alex Trebek Electrocuted in a Blender. That's not even possible!

Allow me to set the bar this year with a costume that no one can judge. I'm going as a bagel and cream cheese. No one will accuse me of twisting that around. Bread is not sexy!!

Happy Halloween!

PS: I found this by Googling "Bagel Costume".


annulla said...

Bread is not sexy? Some folks would disagree with you.

Abbi said...

Hallo-hallo...What do have we here? One way to keep me off sweets: shape them like an old, hairy sac. Think someone with a Viagra birthday cake can RISE to the occasion?

Jeff O. said...

I wore what I always do...and went as a crappy comic...

but everyone kept guessing Charles Manson. I think it might be time for that hair cut.

Abbi said...

Don't cut it Jeff! Your matted hair brings out your beady eyes.

Abbi said...

anonymous said... My bff decided to go as a slutty nurse this year. Very original.
Tues Nov 07, 05:15PM

abbi said...
I saw the kit for that costume in Target. It came with brown lipliner, body glitter and a bottle of Escada.
Wed Nov 08, 07:22:00 AM