Maybe Jogging Is Not So Bad

You know that Cheerios commercial where a guy has a month to lower his blood pressure, and his son has a month to finish a project for school? At the end of the four weeks, the dad fares well on his check-up, and the son’s not finished yet. The kid says, “That’s not fair! All you had to do was eat Cheerios for a month.”

I wish the dad would say, “Do you know how funk nasty these are? These are the PLAIN ones. I fantasize about Total Raisin for crying out loud. One bowl. every day for thirty days.
THUR
TEE!
My breath smells like cat pee!”

Ellen Fights Terrorism

Sometimes it takes one of your comedy heroes to remind you about the responsibility of celebrity: becoming famous means using your image, influence and air time for important causes...like encouraging a dog adoption agency to give a puppy back to your hairdresser.

I will be the first to sign a petition against dog adoption agencies, because one in Brooklyn wouldn't let me have Meathead

on the grounds that I wouldn't provide a strict diet of Marshmallow kittens.

I can't afford them! They have to be shipped from Japan for crying out loud. Long story short, I pulled a switcharoo using a sack of potatoes and a bear trap, took my pet home and stocked my shelves with Jell-O pudding. He really can't tell the difference.

Happy Anniversary

I'm such a busy and important entertainer/writer; I'm late to celebrate special occasions with myself (but that’s why they call me Blue Tooth “Pop and Lock” Salinger.)

It's the blog-iversary y'all!


One year and five months ago I began this blog with a post called Wishing For Dummies.

I admire its antiquity (note the reference to Saddam Hussein and an overweight Star Jones) and its unoriginality (I wait until 2006 to poke fun at a How-To series that has been around since 1991). But I am most proud that it does NOT begin with, "So I'm gonna try out one of these weblog things! I can’t promise I'll post every day, but hey…leave a comment!" I saved triteness for my myspace blog.

My readership has gone up from an average 9 to an average 24 people every day. In terms of authority, I've gone from classroom assistant to cult-leader. Thank you for joining my cult, but more importantly for linking this blog to your blog (see button at very bottom). In celebration, I give you my most favoritest posts of the last year and a half:

There's No Basement In The Alamo
Remember when Jan Hooks says that to Pee-wee? Didn't that scene always make you want to eat tortillas? This is the first post to feature my pet crocabull who is bred to sniff out lies.

Sitting Down with the N-Word
What happens when racial slurs stop being polite, and start getting real? Three of America's top interviewers solicit answers from a personified curse word.

School of Hard Glances
How does Hollywood pick their leading men? When they're not Bourne…they're made.

Noose to Me
A glimpse into the life of a racist with a black wife.

Black Like Me
Everyone’s over the fact that Angelina played a biracial woman (Marianne Pearl) in the film A Mighty Heart. But is everyone over the fact that I am scarred by my childhood? I, for one, am not!

Mmm...You Will Be Delicious
My coverage of a zoo that allows a tiger to "play" with pigs. And allows patrons to "point" at the tiger with guns.

Whew! It's been a wild ride. Hey…leave a comment!

Forward-Thinking II

Doombah Gizzardsprinkles here! Sometimes a loved one sends you something in the mail that's too goofy to ignore. If you feel like laughing, or if you're like me and you need a new rap name, follow the instructions below. If, on the other hand, you came here to read some original comedy and not anything borrowed from another writer, continue further below to get your new Hipster name. Leave either of your new names in the comments!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And
the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey,


in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of
your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of
your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

HIPSTER NOMENCLATURE

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = Tight pants
b = Blue tooth
c = Kitten heels
d = Swatch watch
e =Giant Sunglasses
f = Crazy Hair
g = Bad Hair
h = Frowns
i = Broody
j =Moody
k =Caucasian
l = Clueless
m = Latte
n = I Get It
o = Corduroy
p = Ironic Tee
q = Pale
r = Begging for Attention
s = iPod
t = Thrifty
u = Skater
v = Vaughn
w = Gucci
x = Faux-hawk
y = L.E.S. isMore
z = Quiche-y

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the your new middle initial / last name prefix / nickname in quotations:

a = P.
b = Mc
c = O'
d = Bin-
e = Baxter-
f = H.
g = Mac
h =Don-
i = Mc
j = Sorta
k = Pabst-
l = Della
m = "VH1"
n = "Hall 'N Oats"
o = Von
p = J.
q = "Big brain"
r = "Pop and lock"
s = "Samburg"
t = "Rat tail"
u = "Mini-mullet"
v = "bullet-mullet"
w = "mullet-mullet"
x = "couscous"
y = "Seven-grain"
z = Gloomy-

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine your new last name:

a = Trust Fundy
b = Starship
c = The Yoga buff
d = Scrawny arms
e = Slouchin'
f = Spader
g = Nosebleed
h = Broken Inside
i = Poetry House
j = Da Journalist
k = Cat-owner and worshipper
l = Seclusion
m = Veagan
n = Raw Diet
o = iMac
p = Improv
q = Night Owl
r = Single
s= Vonnegut
t = Aspirations
u =Salinger
v = Baudelaire
w = Vinyl pants
x = Credit Card
y = Throwback
z = Reference

For example, David Foster, composer of "Love theme from St. Elmo's Fire", is now "Vaughn Von Vonnegut".

An-yung-ha-say-oh!

Margaret Cho's pinkies are unusually small. Nobody says anything about it, but I am a supersleuth, and I observe that she curls them to create the illusion of average-sized pinkies.

I can't find any information on Google. World-class search engine my eye.

My normal-sized albeit lazy eye.

Behind Bars

I worked on a music video parody with Josh "jFLIPS" Filipowski not too long ago, and it's finally available for voting on Funny Or Die!!


It's a parody of Timbaland's "The Way I Are", and it showcases some of the celebrities making headlines today for their trips to the Mayberry jail. You know, the one with no lock on it that people are allowed to enter and leave when they feel like it. Some of NYC's finest who are featured: Jeremy Schachter, Michelle Buteau, Becky Ciletti, Ken Donnelly, Evie Aronson, Luke Thayer and Neil Charles.

Many people keep asking me this, but no that's not Keri Hilson singing the chorus. It's ME. And no, when I close my eyes it does not remind me of a cat falling off of garbage cans. I go by AC Styles which is my "I don't rap yet but this is my rap name". I'm considering changing it to A-Stoodent. I think that says more. Diddy gets it. Look for Luke's scary switch blade incident in the prison yard!

Other places to check it out (since jFLIPS went through the trouble):

Youtube
Blip.TV
College Humor
Daily Comedy
Super Deluxe
My Break

Neighborhood Watch

Ms. McAlear, one of the best teachers on the planet, taught me about respondent conditioning using Pixy Stix. We put a tiny pile of sugar on our desks, and when she raised her arm and said, “PAVLOV!” We would lick our finger, dip it in the tart powder and put some on our tongues. Minutes later, she could raise her arm, and we’d drool like dogs.

Heaven help the show that brings me up to the stage with music. The pelvis juts forward, the shoulders start bouncing uncontrollably, my feet rise and fall like they’re tied to paint cans. It’s a move I like to call, “Why Wait ‘til You’re 60?”, and it happens involuntarily when I’m about to hit the stage. PAVLOV!

Fortunately, DJ Les Boogie knew when to cut the music. I had a blast at the Five For Funny Tuesdays show at The Five Spot.

This time it took place on a Saturday to celebrate the two-year anniversary of Neighborhood Watch, the Five Spot’s in-house, all-black sketch troupe. My buddy Dave Lester performed in the sketches AND closed out the show with stand-up, so he had Hadiyah Robinson host the event. She was hilaaaaarious. She probably thinks she did material mixed with basic crowd work, but it was much more. If everything I said after meeting someone cracked them up like that, people in the office wouldn’t keep saying, “You’re a co-MEEEEE-dian?” I'm thinking about carrying a picture in my pocket of Charlie Sheen with a cartoon bubble from his mouth that says, “Martina? Meet Martini,” so they will fall on the floor with laughter. PAVLOV!

Five for Funny Tuesdays
8:00 PM, $5 cover
The 5 Spot
459 Myrtle Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11205

There's No Basement In The Alamo

This is Meathead.

He's my pet Crocabull. He has been bred to sniff out lies.

Sylvia Browne is a psychic who offers a 20-minute reading over the phone for $750.
She claims on her website that neither she nor her psychic son "need a personal object from you. In fact, they do not need your physical presence at all." You can even tell Sylvia nothing but fake stories about yourself in a disguised voice and she will STILL give you a reading for $750. Now that's a professional.

I wanted to know if I'm going to be a big comedy star some day, so I asked Sylvia while she was on my TV screen during an episode of Montel. I took her answers that she gave to other people and wrote down key words that I thought were pertinent to my situation. I also invented a Spirit Guide for myself (because I can't afford for Sylvia to), and let her spiritually guide the decision. For the record, my spirit guide is Monica Bellucci in the movie Malena.


This was the so-called answer I received from the so-called expert, Sylvia so-called Browne:

Your children
Will
Be
Gorgeous
Laughter
Is
With
Your family
But
You're a worrier
And
You will
Be
A nurse or someone in the medical field but not a doctor

Now I know that's wrong. My mom's the nurse not me, Sly. You couldn't BE more off! I'm gonna rock the U.S. comedy circuit some day, and it will NOT be in retirement homes.

Meathead also found an interesting article in which a missing child was forseen by Sylvia as "no longer with us" although he was subsequently rescued. In her own defense, Browne later added, "I meant he was not with us-with us, that is to say present in the studio of The Montel Williams Show during that taping. He WILL die you know...because all mortal humans eventually die...and because I am seeing it in my dreams right now."

Bwak-Bwak-Bwak-Bwak

I had a fun time at The 25 and Under Show at Broadway Comedy Club last night, but a table of girls in the back of the room will never know it. Dang you, college students, and your inexplicable self-absorption. Look at ME. What about ME??

The same table provided a chatter soundtrack for each comic, and this doesn't just happen at Festival shows. I've seen a string of headliners battle with a table of loud, drunk kids at The Comedy Cellar. Sometimes people just want to eat in the dark and scream at each other. Mole People.

I went on to have a nightmare that I was babysitting a 6 year old who berated me in public and demanded she use my cell phone. Coincidence?

Shout-out to Chicago-based comedian Jena Friedman who soaked up an impressive number of shows while she was in town, Rob O'Reilly who had the room rolling and who made me visualize him doing the nasty, and Danny Vermont who I foolishly called "Dave" onstage but who was quite humble and friendly about it off stage.
(Violin music)
Already? No! I have so many people to thank...Um...Thank you to Jim Mendrinos who is putting the entire festival together and (orchestral music gets louder) George Sarris who created it! War is BAD! Good night!

Voulez-vous Laugh-ay Avec Moi Ce Soir?

I am very excited to be a part of the 2007 New York Underground Comedy Festival.


Check me out at the Under 25 Show (or as I have called it since my birthday, the 25 and Under Show) at Broadway Comedy Club Tonight at 9:00PM!