I Answer Stupid Ass Questions

Instead of selfishly publishing answers to inquiries here via the Ask Abbi series, I am sharing my knowledge by answering questions all week long on Stupid Ass Questions.

Dear SAQ’s: I am having friends over for dinner and want it to look like I spent a lot of money on the beverages...Would it work if I used my Snapple empties and filled them with a generic powdered mix? I figured I could put clear tape around the top and make it look like they are still sealed.

I respect your vision, but nothing good ever comes in powder form. Gun powder, powdered eggs, the movie Powder...and don't get me started on baby powder--have you tried that? It tastes nothing like babies...

Visit StupidAssQuestions.com to read the full response, and check back there all week long for more absurdity!

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Ask Abbi: Shape Up or Ship Out

Anonymous Gym-Goer Writes:

What are your thoughts about those goofy-looking Shape Up shoes?

I got a pair of Skechers Shape Ups from my husband for Christmas. Coincidentally I got him the Iron Gym, an in-home pull-up bar, so not only are we both passive-aggressive, we're both a Slap Chop away from being infomercial drones. I was worried because I remember hating Moon Shoes.



When walking, I have to take careful strides because if my foot drags on the ground, I trip. They are designed to embarrass you if you don't pay attention, so they are a work-out shoe in the way your schoolyard bully was a personal trainer. I don't know if it has toned my gluts or if they're just sore because I naturally clench them whenever I make eye contact with people on the subway.

The inside is like marshmallows! Part of me feels like all shoes will be made this way in the future, and part of me feels like this Franken-boot will go the way of the Thigh Master. It may be just another work out fad that gets lazy, fat people to spend their money. Either way, the more I see them on television the more I feel better about my decision to wear them...while watching television.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Ask Abbi: Cutting Ties

Adria writes:

Should Elin leave Tiger?

I thought she already had! Only because investigators found the following message written in lipstick on the mirror of the Woods family bathroom:

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo
Catch a Tiger by his ho
If he cheats then let him go
Eenie Meenie Miney Mo
My-Mother-Told-Me-to-Pick-the-Very-Best-One-and-You-Are-Not-It

I think she's ready to cut ties. And socks and shirts and those stupid green blazers he won. Whenver the question of divorce comes up, we inevitably think about the kids. Sure Tiger will go right back to golfing and Elin will get a book deal, but what about their children? I'm not worried about them. I've been there. If my life is any indication, one of them will get a college scholarship and end up working in our nation's capital. The other will graduate from Georgetown and be on TV.

Broken homes just make a single mom work twice as hard, be twice as strict with academics and pour all her love into the kids. If two multiracial children raised by a non-celebritity can manage, then two millionaire babies will be just fine. The real question is, when neither parent fights for custody, does the nanny get child support?

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: Friendly Competition

Karine writes:

Do things ever get competitive with you and Luke over comedy?

The last time Luke and I competed directly against each other was in Indiana in 2004. We were at an open mic that for some reason required the audience to rank the participants. We were both voted as finalists. He won by audience applause. I don't remember what he won. I just called to ask him, but he can't remember either. We still put our names in the hat for consideration in comedy gigs, but it's less of a competition and more of a shared raffle ticket. We've auditioned for spots at clubs, improv teams, on shows and been in contests to play cruise ships. We both audition for commercials and respond to postings about radio and TV spots. If either of us gets anything the other shares in the success. Plus we have different interests and different strengths. If I ended up hosting a sports - comedy talk show and he ended up playing the romantic lead opposite Mos Def then the gloves would go back on.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Ask Abbi: Hit the Bricks

Chris of Cynical-C.com writes:

Why do comics traditionally stand in front of a brick wall to do standup?

I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.



Do you mean, why do they stand when doing stand-up? It's in the job description.



Or why do they traditionally stand in front of a wall? Well, buildings have walls. It's hard not to do stand-up in front of a wall unless you're performing under a circus tent. But even tents have tent walls.



If you're asking specifically about the bricks, well, I don't know that it's a tradition per se. I mean it's not as if this was a prerequisite or an archetype of what it meant to do comedy decades ago.



And it's not like really established comedians do it.



I shouldn't even answer this question. I mean it's just not a concept I'm familiar with.



Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Ask Abbi: And You Are...?

Chris of Cynical-C.com writes:

What is a comedian? Is Ricky Gervais a comedian? Is Ricky Gervais a standup? What is humorist compared to comedian?

"Comedian" is a general term that primarily means stand-up comic, but could also imply an actor who is funny when performing (i.e. Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Will Ferrell). Even though "comedian" is used for performers that make us laugh, the cast of Friends does NOT count as a group of comedians. They are actors who have good comic timing and great publicists.

People who do improvisational comedy are technically comedians but they haughtily insist on being called, "Players" or "Improv actors", so they are exempt from consideration here.

Then there are the Slashies. Most of these are found in the UK. Ricky Gervais is a writer/actor/comedian. Eddie Izzard is an actor/comedian/drag queen. Russell Brand is a drag queen/personality/vampire. Wouldn't he make a stunning lead in the Broadway adaptation of Drop Dead Fred?

I always take humorist to mean comedy writer. You are the writer whose genre is comedy, but in the field of journalism. All humorists are comedy writers but not all comedy writers are humorists. Some are bloggers.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: Annoying Introductions

Chris from cynical-c.com asks:

What's the most annoying thing that happens when you meet someone new and tell them you're a comedian?

Thanks for writing without adding, "Hey here's one you can use in your act! A priest, a stripper and an amputee are at an aquarium..."

Upon introduction I like to show--not tell--my profession, and I find a hand buzzer does the job nicely. Ususally they're too irritated to ask me any questions.

Actually, I prefer the Bruce Wayne approach, where they never know that comedian Abbi Crutchfield is the same as the millionaire who is hosting the lovely party they are attending. There are a number of reasons for this, all based on past reactions I have had. Here they are in order of my loathing:

5: (Incredulous) You're a comedian? You don't look funny.
4: (Aggressive) Say something funny! Aw, come on. If you was really a comedian you'd say something funny RIGHT NOW.
3: (Patronizing) Oh, that's nice. Maybe we'll see you on Leno some day, huh?...what's that? Or who? Conan? I don't know Conan. I don't watch any of those late night talk shows.
2: (Feigned interest) Where do you play? (after I start listing comedy venues) Oh. Neat. I would now like to leave immediately because I just remembered I hate people.
1: (Overly Enthusiastic) Wow! Really? When's your next show? (After having missed several opportunities to see me) Come on, you really have to tell me about your next show! I'm dying to see you! Keep me posted! (When told my schedule is listed on my website) You really have to give me the name of that website! (After I've given it to them three times and told them to just Google me) You got a show coming up? I'm coming this time! (I tell them to wait until I come to them on their TV) Television?! Maybe we'll see you on Leno some day, huh?

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: Too Far?

Chris of cynical-c.com writes:

As a comedian, where do you personally draw the line?

Many comedians take pride in being able to say they write and perform "edgy material." Edgy material gets its name from the jagged edge of a can of anchovies. It harkens back to the days when housewives did not have electronic appliances, or the good sense to serve something tasty for dinner. Upon hearing about the contents of his meatloaf, one man was known to push his plate away from himself. The result is that no one wanted edgy material from women.

Fast forward a few decades where it became trendy for comedians who were lesbians to speak about this duality and more importantly wear white socks with black shoes. Telling stories about their lives caused network executives to bristle, and televised comedy from white women was only acceptable in self-deprication form. Because a woman who puts herself down is not threatening. Black women were exempt from having to put themselves down because they were typically cast in second class roles on sitcoms.

This limitation has not kept female comedians from exploring the sordid (Sarah Silverman), the silly (Ellen DeGeneres), the relatable (Rita Rudner) or the unexpected (Maria Bamford), and because of such things as The Women's Liberation Movement and The Cosby Show, women can now choose to be self-depricating, self-assured, rude or shocking with their material. And they only have to be naked depending on where they want it to air.

I draw the line, dear reader, at a number of topics so as not to offend a long list of people. As a woman of color who does not wear bikinis onstage, I tend to keep my content relatable and silly and my demeanor pleasant and confident. That is because I want to win the crowd's trust so that I may pick their pockets later.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Ask Abbi: Squeeze the Charmin?

Adria of Impact-DC.com writes:

What kind of toilet paper do you prefer and what kind do you purchase?

Thanks for voyaging beyond the realm of comedy-specific questions! Just like Madonna when it comes to children, what I prefer is not always what I purchase.

I PREFER the kind of soft toilet paper that comes in rolls of 24. The kind of 3-ply, quilted abundance that scoffs at rainforest activists. The kind I can hug in Target to restore tranquility when it's whoopin' time in the cereal aisle. The kind sold by cartoon bears.

By the way, that commercial always reminds me of this popular street joke:
A bear and a rabbit are going to the bathroom in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit smugly replies, "Certainly not!" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

I purchase Angel Soft because it is always on sale wherever I go. In these tough economic times, it is the prudent choice. It is also a step above the kind you find in corporations, which is essentially tracing paper. It breaks apart in your hands so you never get more than one square at a time. You end up fishing inside the plastic receptacal and turning the wheel over and over, endlessly searching for the new, unperforated sheet. Sweat beads form on your head while you gingerly prod as if you're delivering a giraffe. No thank you. I have my standards. Especially since they're impossible to steal.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Ask Abbi: Pre-Show Rituals?

Andrew of socetew.com asks:

Do you have any good luck rituals before a show?

Thanks for reaching out through Facebook! Readers, if you haven't done so yet, add me as a facebook friend. We'll be that much closer in this big, wide world. Before such technology, we had to wait weeks for mail to arrive by postman on a horse. Then we had to feed him stew for his journey back. Then we had to apologize for the lack of meat because the drought took out our best cattle. Then we had to return to our needlepoint and listen to the sound of dust blowing over dust.

I do not have good luck rituals before a show but I have rituals. On the train to a show, I open my notebook, write and underline the title of the show, the time it starts, the date, and then a set list. Even if I'm doing a character.

Borscht 8:00PM 3/20/09
(Erykah Badu)

Chinese Herb
Badu-in?
JD Salinger - Ghostbusters
Paperclip Underwear
Dirt 4 Dinner
Wilfred Brimley
Crank Calls
Kids
Baby Corn
Freestyle song

This might be similar to what a lot of people do, but even if I know my set, I write it down. I like to catalog things. It helps me not to repeat jokes if I come back to places. After the set, I circle any bits I forgot, I check off the jokes that worked, and I add a note about an ad-lib that worked or a mistake I made.

Other rituals include engaging the audience before a show starts, which is a habit from my dinner theater days when we had to mingle in character, and I kid around with comics beforehand to get in the mood to tell jokes. Then I stab a voodoo doll shaped like the host.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Ask Abbi: Secret Crush?

Jerrell of jerellprice.blogspot.com asks:

Who were your celebrity crushes growing up? I will accept any answers including:

1. El DeBarge
2. The bongo player from the Miami Sound Machine
3. Dr. Dre (of YO! MTV Raps fame)?

Consulting my journals from age 6 and up, I notice I claim to have had relationships with the following male icons:

Mickey Mouse



Michael Jackson



Prince



Hulk Hogan



(You could fry potatoes on that man )

From age nine I start talking about real boys / heterosexuals / people not on steroids, and the stories get significantly less interesting. Why I chose to lie about who I was dating is beyond me. I guess I hoped someone would open my diary and be very impressed with my connections. If anything, I think it explains a lot about why I decided to be a comedian. Because I can lie all I want, and no one will ever know.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Ask Abbi: Top Five Schtick Flicks

Chris of cynical-c.com writes:

What are your top 5 favorite comedy movies?

#5: The Princess Bride (1987)


What this says about me: I'm a romantic. I put romance before comedy. But I also put grandparents before romance. And video games before grandparents. I peeked into my older cousin's room while she watched this with her friend, and it forever became the movie that meant I'd be as cool as my cousin when I saw it. Then after I saw it, I couldn't wait until I understood all the jokes. Or anything Andre the Giant said.

#4: The Jerk (1979)


What this says about me: I love Steve Martin. But I don't love dated references and disco soundtracks enough to make this my favorite comedy of all time. As a kid, this movie tied in my brain with Three Amigos, Little Shop of Horrors, and Roxeanne, also known as whatever Steve Martin is in. So it does not exactly signify comedic brilliance at an early age. It's just the one that made me laugh the hardest. "He hates these cans! Get away from the cans!"

#3: Coming to America (1988)


What this says about me: I want to knock Samuel L. Jackson on his butt with a mop handle for making Lakeview Terrace. And if you're really a prince, I'll marry you.

#2" So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993)


What this says about me: I think Anthony LaPaglia missed his calling as a comedic sidekick. He needs to stop wasting time as a serious cop with a fake Brooklyn accent and start wearing pimp suits, getting punked by Charles Grodin and being frightened by Steven Wright...while speaking with a fake Brooklyn accent.

#1: Clue (1985)


What this says about me: I am thrilled and delighted by murder-mystery comedies. I grew up on them in 30-minute televised installments. Angela Fletcher, Benjamin Matlock...ever since Columbo made it okay to laugh at blood stains on shag carpet. I just couldn't fit Haunted Honeymoon (1986) and Murder by Death (1976) on here, because they need to be saved for Top 5 Murder-Mystery Comedies that Take Place in a Mansion. I also reserved Chevy Chase and Bill Murray for top 5 Christmas Comedies. Then there are the Top 5 Muppet Comedies, the Top 5 Julia Roberts Dramadies...

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Ask Abbi: Why Comedy?

Slava of Stand-Up Comedy 101 writes:

Why did you start doing stand-up comedy?

This is an actual interview that you may read in its entirety here (Don't forget to leave some feedback). But the long and the short of it is to show my husband and two kids that I am not just a frumpy housewife, and that I can genuinely make people laugh. Okay I stole that reason from Punchline. But it turns out I had the same aspirations as Sally Field's character in that movie. I wanted to prove myself. Especially after several attempts at stand-up that didn't count as real attempts because there was either no jokes, no microphone or no audience. Sally Field's character gets help and encouragement from a fellow comedian played by Tom Hanks. A funny young man hit all the open mics with me and supported my every effort, but unlike the film, he did NOT blank on stage in front of his father or have a mental breakdown in the rain when I rejected him. I did not reject him. In fact, we are going to get married. I did, however, get a horrible haircut early in my career.



Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: Best Show Ever?

Chris of cynical-c.com writes:

What's the best comedy show you have ever been to?

Thanks for asking! I have great memories of Butler University, even though I did not go to school there. I made my best Girl Scout cookie sales there as a child, I babysat at a house facing the campus for three consecutive New Year's Eves during my awkward teen years, and in between college semesters, I made extra cash by working as a creative writing camp counselor there in the summer.

The best time I had there when I saw my first live comedy show. Not only is it a fun memory of spending time with my mom, but it is seared in my brain as the hardest I have ever laughed. Sinbad was playing at Clowes Memorial Hall. I was not old enough to go to comedy clubs, so my exposure to stand-up was limited to Comedy Central's programming. This was back when they cut and assembled footage of various stand-up specials together and listed comedian details in the lower left corner, like a music video. You would see a white man in a blazer with fringe sleeves blowing the audience away with his slow, homemade rap song, and then the info would fade in:

Barry Sobel
A Night at Hee-hars
1989

We were about four rows from the stage, and I was really gaga over celebrities. I once jabbed Dick Clark in the arm at a restaurant, just to tell my middle school classmates I had touched him. Now you understand the kind of person who babysits instead of going out with friends on New Year's Eve. So back to the auditorium, when Sinbad walked on stage, my eyes widened in unison with the crowd's crescendo applause. I don't remember his material, but I remember my cheeks hurt from smiling all night. He is still someone I consider to be a significant influence.

I have since seen other stand-up legends, been to amazing improv marathons, and watched SNL from studio 8H, but this show will always be my favorite. Until I see Barry Sobel live.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: How Could You?

Chris of cynical-c.com writes:

How do you feel about becoming an actress in a commercial promoting the consumption of foods high in triglycerides leading to an epidemic of childhood obesity which causes lifelong problems of heart disease and diabeetus in lower income neighborhoods resulting in higher crime rates and other terror related crimes which aims at bringing down the infrastructure of American capitalism by decreasing the liquidity in the credit market which leads to government bailouts using taxpayers' money leading to an inflated deficit which is passed on to our triglyceride-filled children who cannot make it up because they are earning minimum wage at a fast food restaurant which is in turn creating (generation upon generation of) curly haired biracial women who seek job opportunities in promoting the substantiation of the fried fish as a health food?

Thanks for your concern Chris. I was recently invited to participate in a sketch by a friend, and I turned him down. When he asked why, I wrote him a long e-mail on the kind of projects I will accept based on my integrity, the women's liberation movement, and my responsibility as a role model. While the dissertation was not necessary, it did help me realize that auditioning for commercials is ultimately an artistic choice...to feed my family.

If my ethics are still in question, I present to you a list of things I would NEVER do for the camera, followed by reasons I probably would do it after all.

1. Smoke to look cool.

Why I'd do it: If the cigarette were fake so as not to damage my lungs nor spark an addiction. Also if there were some redeeming moral lesson in the script to balance out the guilt I'd feel if thousands of kids remembered my character as the reason they first lit up.

2. Appear nude.

Why I'd do it: If the scene were in no way sexy, (like being deloused in a prisoner camp) so that the claim "I did it for the art" really could convince my minister father-in-law.

3. Play a prostitute.

Why I'd do it: Pretty Woman, The Musical.

4. Kiss someone other than my husband.

Why I'd do it: If Luke forgot my birthday.

5. Sell fast food.

Why I'd do it: (rubbing thumb and fingers together as the mafia do to indicate money)

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: Jitters

Chris of cynical-c.com writes:

Do you get nervous before a gig?

Thanks for your question. Sometimes I get nervous before a show, but I'll never admit it. If you ask why I'm bouncing from foot to foot, I'll just tell you I'm excited. Johnny Carson says nervousness is just a sign that you're ready, and I agree. Once I'm on stage, the energy is re-directed, and I can have fun with people. I usually have to resist the urge to shadowbox. Rich Vos has a funny bit on how unprofessional it makes you look. But in my case, mama said knock you out.

When I was starting out, signs that the nervousness had not abated were easy to spot: my arms dropped to my sides, my voice became monotone, and jokes stopped making sense.

"Scollege is hard. I mean college. I was trying to say school and college at the same time. Good thing I opted to major in unemployment. Because unemployment is something I am being often. I mean unemployed. Who here has pets?"

I also used to grab the microphone cord when I was nervous. If Freud studied comedy he'd say it is an umbilical cord and grabbing it is wishing your mother were still attached. Another tell is that I rubbed my belly while talking. I have no idea why this was calming to me, but watching old videos is hilarious because drawing a big circle on my stomach with my hand has nothing to do with the joke. It's more like a subliminal message: This is where the beer will go when I am through with you.

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: What's Up?

Michael Jackson and Eddie Murphy in 'Whatzupwitu'

Mo of modiggs.net writes:

Dear Abbi,

What's up?

Thanks for writing and asking me how things are. So few people take the time to do this anymore, not to mention in such an eloquently succinct (and succinctly eloquent) way.

My schedule is quite packed. Thursday I was at the Duplex for On the Rocks with Danny Leary, The Living Room had a Halloween Scare-avaganza on Friday, I was in the Delusions of Spandex Halloween show on Saturday, and I was in another show called Pinstripes and Plaid where I performed a sketch Luke wrote and a character piece as Michelle Obama. I was running around so much I had to cancel my appearance at Schtick or Treat, which sounded like a really fun time.

But you probably didn't want to know about a schedule you could conveniently review in the side bar to the right. Perhaps you were merely testing the Ask Abbi guidelines, curious to see whether sarcastic questions are answered. If that was a joke, then you leave me no choice but to answer in kind:

chicken butt.

Then again, you are a writer who chooses words carefully. You may like to know literally, what is up.

10. The sky
9. Warren Buffet's spirits
8. Mario Batali's cholesterol
7. Barack Obama's approval rating in Colorado.
6. Amy Poehler's time at Saturday Night Live since she had a kid.
5. The down elevator I wait for at lunch.
4. In my estimation, The Unit, for its riveting storytelling.
3. The price of milk
2. Whatever is thrown in the air by toddlers (today's item: a tupperware of Cheerios)
1. The jig

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: Red Carpet Content

Adria of www.impact-dc.com writes:

As a fan of your blog I would like to see/read more crafty writing and less photos/images of celebs.

Thank you for being a fan of the blog and for letting me know what you like to read most. I thought I would address this suggestion in an Ask Abbi installment to let you know how my posts come about.

Sometimes I write a joke for my act* that never makes it in or is so topical it won't stay in for long. It's usually easier to explain the concept in a blog post rather than whittle away at it on stage. Sometimes I have a conversation with friends and I explore it further in my blog. The latter method yields a lot of celebrity posts because that's my favorite topic during weekday lunches. An exchange about unusual celebrity baby names became the post "Overheard in an L.A. Daycare" which became the short film "L.A. Daycare" (see Videos in sidebar).

Then there is the third method for posting: I dig through garbage. Not only has this helped me to produce the most relatable topics, but I have also been able to furnish my home based on someone else's good credit score. It's a win for me and a win for readers. The only person who loses out is the victim of identity theft, but they have to learn life lessons some time.

To read more posts about the topics you like, please scroll down the sidebar and click on the Label that interests you most. Politics (Funny, not Biased), Cubicle Secrets (Office Stories), Bombing (Stories of Failed Performances), etc. And to avoid having to install a security system, I urge everyne to shred all important documents.

*For more on the joke-writing process, see The Method to My Madness.


Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

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Ask Abbi: Hecklers

Chris of cynical-c.com writes:

Hey have you ever been heckled while on stage?

The third time I ever performed stand-up, I talked about working as a waitress. I said something about the tips I get, and a guy shouted, "Your what?!" I was so focused on telling the joke right, I had no idea why he was confused. "My TIPS." The audience giggled, and I realized what "tips" sounds like. I felt like Moe on the Simpsons. "Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?" He heard me wrong and got a laugh. Heckle or not?

Another time, I was talking about being single after a breakup, and someone in the crowd muttered, "Good," but no one in the crowd reacted. He had a knee-jerk reaction to my anti-man rant that only I heard. Heckle or not?

Once a couple in the front row was whispering to eachother about what to order, and several heads turned away from me and in the direction of the couple. Heckle or not?

Often I mistake a distraction for heckling, and I point it out when the audience was already listening with full attention. This breaks up my momentum, and it's best to ignore it and roll right through. From the comedian's perspective, we see and hear everything. A fly buzzing around, a cell phone opening in the back, the air conditioning rumble, someone shift in a chair. Being comfortable on stage and staying focused are two good ways to not be distracted. When someone flat out interrupts, the audience becomes distracted. Diffusing it with a joke shifts the control back to you. Then there's always the Bill Burr approach...

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject

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My Influences

When I was six, I had a book called "All About Me" in which I listed facts about my fascinating and complicated life. I remember listing my ideal meal as, "Steak, 'Tater Tots and tea" and citing Steve Martin as my favorite comedian.

This was not based on his impressive stand-up career or his amazing performance in "The Jerk", but more on the fact that he told a bully off during a game of darts in 1987's "Roxeanne". It helped that he was acting alongside Darryl "Splash" Hannah, the inspiration for most of my Barbie re-enactments until I saw the movie "Shag". Any movie we taped off of HBO I committed to memory, and this along with his participation in "The Three Amigos", made Martin the actor who left the best impression.

Other movies that traumatized me into reciting them were "The Color Purple" and "Beaches". And therefore, to round out the three favorite comedians of my youth, I add Whoopie Goldberg and Bette Midler to the roster.

It wasn't until I was in college that I heard my first recording of one of Steve Martin's stand-up performances. I was sorry for dismissing him after "Father of the Bride" and rekindled the respect for him I had as a child. The same thing happened a few years later when I finally caught a dvd of Whoopi on Broadway. I was less in awe of her stand-up skills and more enamored with the performance. I thought the same thing would happen when I found a dvd of Bette Midler's staged musical, but I quickly got bored and jumped ahead to "The Rose". It only cost $3, and I returned it to the video store. That's the story of, that's the glory of Looooove.

An old performance of Ellen DeGeneres recycled on Comedy Central stuck out in my brain, and as I was making the move to study stand-up, I decided I was most impressed by Ellen's gift of being silly. Sinbad was the first comedian I ever saw live, and I'll always wish I could make someone laugh as hard as he made me laugh that night.

All About Me (revised)

Name: Abbi Crutchfield

Age: 26

Weight: 135lbs

Favorite Comedian:

Steve Martin
Whoopi Goldberg
Bette Midler
Sinbad
Ellen DeGeneres

Favorite Barbie Doll Muse:
Darryl Hannah
Phoebe Cates

Favorite Meal:

Steak, 'Tater tots and tea

Steak, steak and steak.